No mother wants to be an angry mom, but many life situations or our own childhood traumas can trigger anger in the present moment.
Today let us look at how to stop being an angry mom and refocus attention to where it is really needed.
Before we get started, I am sure you have wondered about the ill effects of anger on a child.
HOW DOES AN ANGRY PARENT AFFECT A CHILD?
The more a parent yells the more his/her message is lost. A loud voice makes children feel insecure and unsafe.
No learning and co-operation can happen when the child feels unsafe. Over a period of time children who are yelled at constantly also tend to become more aggressive and defiant themselves.
Instead of yelling there are many calmer ways to get your message across without crushing your child’s feelings. Read this previous post to understand how to talk with toddlers in a way that helps bridge the communication barriers and is more suited to their developmental stage.
HOW TO STOP BEING AN ANGRY MOM?
1. Pause and reflect When you feel like you are about to lose your cool, take a moment to pause and think why it is you are getting angered. Most times it has nothing to do with the child’s tantrum and everything to do with how you are viewing the situation. Check part 1 of this series on anger triggers to understand angry mom triggers better.
Pause, breathe and then approach the situation. Don’t expect changes overnight. When we are set in reactive patterns it takes a while to make any conscious change a habit.
2. Commit to change It starts with wanting to change for yourself. Do you want a calmer home? Do you want to be a calmer person?
I try and remind myself that the tone of my voice matters, I don’t want to lose my message behind the yelling.
Every angry moment I give in to is a choice I am making to move away from a place of connection. I pick my battles wisely, and ask myself, is my angry reaction worth it?
Anger cannot find solutions for you. The more you choose calm the more easier it becomes to find practical and sometimes creative solutions to the challenging situations in front of you.
3. Connection over correction I have briefly touched on this point in the past too, but essentially we seek to connect with our child instead of obsessing over changing behaviors. All unpleasant behaviors your child expresses are a result of unmet needs. Once we get to the source of the problem the behavior patterns will automatically change.
4. Ensure your needs are met consistently So many of us are burnt out in our parenting roles, we are doing this day in and day out with little rest or appreciation. The Pandemic too has added more fuel to this fire for parents around the globe.
Making sure our most basic needs like proper nutrition, hydration, rest, quality me-time and time to socialize are consistently cared for is key to a happier parent. Read here for more on mom self care ideas.
This post covers how you can establish a self care routine within your roles as wife, mother and career woman, and no self care here does not mean a 20 step beauty routine. These are practical tips that busy moms can use to put themselves on the to-do list.
Which brings me to my next point.
5. Give yourself grace Even the most committed of us are bound to make mistakes and fall back to old coping mechanisms when under stress. Give yourself grace. Kindness to self is hard for many of us.
Try and tell yourself that it is good that your children get to see the imperfect you and also get to see you pick yourself up, acknowledge mistakes and take effort to build your relationships.
Our children don’t need perfect mothers, they need happy mothers, fulfilled mothers, and mothers who fall and pick themselves up. They need us and our authenticity.
6. Talk about your feelings and model behavior
If you yelled and treated your child badly, apologize. Your child getting on your nerves? Ask for a time out. Say, “Mommy is feeling overwhelmed right now, I need a break.” Your kids are observing how you calm yourself down, this is a powerful life skill. Modeling for children always works better than preaching.
To end, I would like to say that we are not angry moms, we are overtired moms, still learning moms and trying our best moms. Let’s put our energy into building a calmer home for our children and not fret over missteps along the way.
Do you want to share your challenges and learnings in trying to manage anger? Comment below, I am sure we can all learn something from our stories and experiences.
Your child comes up to you and says, “I am bored!”
Do you say,
“What do you mean you are bored? You have so many toys! In our time we didn’t even have half as many. “
Or
“When I was your age I managed to keep myself busy, I didn’t whine to my parents.”
Do you think that response helps?
Most probably all you did at the moment you reacted was hurt your child’s feeling. You definitely didn’t help the child figure out a way to keep himself busy.
WHY DO WE GET UPSET WHEN OUR CHILD SAYS, “I AM BORED?”
Have you ever thought, why some statements like, “I am bored!” trigger a rude response from us? What happens?
Maybe, at that moment we feel like incompetent parents. As if we failed to teach our child to play independently or constructively. This elicits a shocked and hurt reaction from us. We feel the need “to teach” our children.
But, we need to understand that we are not responsible for our child’s feelings. And that all feelings must hold space in our relationship with our child. Even boredom. You don’t need to fix anything.
Try and resist the urge to moralize, teach, or criticize your child. The child is only voicing out a feeling. We need to allow space for uncomfortable feelings too. The feeling is theirs, not ours. We are there as a guide and support system for the child.
The problem lies in the fact that a lot of modern parenting has become “fix it all”. We assume this responsibility to solve everything for our children. We leave no space for them to just be. From highly parent managed schedules, structured activities, and the use of screens and video games as distractions, children of today spend less and less time in unstructured and slow routines.
We all need time to slow down sometimes and figure out for ourselves how we want to use our time. Only out of this boredom, can creativity be born. We need our children to experience a slow life too. I want to give an example from my own life here.
Every year as summer vacations would arrive I would dread the trip to our village. My grandparents lived there with two dogs and life in the village was super slow. For a child coming from a city, no T.V, no electricity for the most part of the day, and no friends of my age group, village vacations were boring.
I remember sitting on our veranda with the dogs, bored and grumpy. I made a hundred requests to my mom to go back home. I would complain, “Mom, I am bored.” and my mom would say, “What can we do about it?”
I would settle in eventually after the first couple of days. There was no T.V and you can only play so much cricket and badminton. I would start using my creativity and come up with some art or craft project.
One year I made a lantern, another year I made buntings for all the windows. I would cut pictures from newspapers and make scrapbooks or greeting cards, read my grandpa’s Readers Digest magazines, officiate our dogs’ wedding day in pretend marriage ceremonies, climb the chikoo trees, ask the local chikki vendor to show me how she makes chikki, or go for long walks with my grandpa and listen to his stories.
Basically, in the end, boredom lead to new ways to entertain myself.
When I grew up I thanked my mom for taking me back to the village every vacation (something I gave her much grief about when I was growing up) because I realized all that time I spent alone with myself (half daydreaming) really helped me develop the skills needed to take charge of my life. Boredom made me creative, organized, and focused on my work. It fuelled my drive to use my time in life better.
So now when my son says to me, “Mom, I am bored”. I say “I hear you, what can we do about it?
The mantra here being,
The parent is not responsible for the child being bored.
HERE IS HOW IT GOES
A typical scenario in our home. You can use these responses when your child says’ “I am bored”
Child says: “I am bored. I don’t know what to do”
Listen and Empathize
“I hear you. That is bad.”
Sometimes children just need us to acknowledge how they feel and go on to figure out what they can do. The above statement can lead to a release of emotions related to feeling lonely, or whining about not having someone around to play with. The child might say something like, “ Both dad and you are busy, I have no-one to play with.”
Listen with empathy and tell your child,
“I understand, not having something to do is very frustrating.”
Or,
“I understand, not having someone around to engage with you feels lonely and boring.”
Support but leave your responses open ended.
“What can you do?”
“I wonder what you will do?”
You will be surprised at how the kids start figuring out a solution for themselves.
The child may say, “Umm, maybe, I will listen to my audiobook.” Or “Umm, maybe I will do some colouring in my book.”
To which you say, “Sounds like a great idea!”
SOME MORE POINTS TO THINK ABOUT
Sometimes, I am bored could also mean your child wants more time with you. In which case you need to do just that and fill your child’s cup.
Another point that we must also consider in case the child is saying, “I am bored” too often is that maybe the child is not used to unstructured days or is used to a lot of screen time and does not know what to do when left by himself.
In such a case, you may need to re-evaluate your schedules and come up with ways to reduce screen time. This was surely my case, growing up. But, with a little guidance and support from my parents, I quickly adapted to enjoying slower days.
To sum it up for you,
When your child, “ I am bored!”
Acknowledge and support.
And like with everything parenting use your child’s cues to parent better. Nothing in parenting is one-size-fits-all.
My hope is you can use this post to empathise with your child and enter the conversation from a non-judgemental point of view. Support your child in helping himself rather than finding ways to distract his attention or yell at him. Sometimes, it is good to be bored, right?
Mom burnout, yes, it’s a real thing. Everyone imagines a mother to be happy as she cares for her family day in and day out. But the reality is that the hidden burdens of motherhood take a toll on a mother’s health.
WHAT IS MOM BURNOUT?
Mom Burnout is when you are so exhausted from your motherhood duties that you feel empty. It is when you have nothing left to offer emotionally or physically.
Though it sounds extreme, many mothers suffer through mom burnout because there are no sick days for mom.
To every exhausted mom reading this post, I want you to know, you deserve rest. You deserve time with yourself. Most importantly, know that you are already doing enough for your family. You don’t need to be a better mom; you already are the best your family has.
I have been there many times as a mom. Pushing myself and wanting to give more when I had nothing left to give. It is hard to refocus on yourself and your needs when you are so used to caring for your family.
Sometimes we don’t have a choice (when solo parenting and single parenting) sometimes we forget ourselves in being a good mother.
But our mental health is important. Not just for ourselves but for our families.
Take a step back when you feel you are about to burnout. Assess your life situation and try and find the reasons behind your mom burnout.
Are all tasks divided equally between you and your partner?
Are the children settled in their routine?
Is the family over scheduled for activities and events?
Once you pinpoint the reasons for your burnout only then can you start actively solving the problem.
Here is how you can automate your household life. Once you simplify your daily tasks into routines you begin to find more peace and joy.
Ask for help
If you find yourself doing a lot more than your husband in the house, it is time to chalk out a new plan and divide responsibilities. Whenever this is not possible, (maybe your husband works long hours or travels for work or maybe you are a single parent) outsource whatever you can.
There is nothing wrong with hiring help or outsourcing a few tasks to close family and friends. You are not failing as a mother. It is not possible for one person to do it all and you need to give up on this, Super Mom attitude. Ask for help when you need it.
Stay away from the phone
This may sound like an out of place advice in an article about mom burnout. But believe me, you don’t realize how much time you are spending on your phone. A time that can be used to take a short nap, journaling or playing with your kids.
Social media and the new work from home culture has brought mobile devices into our private home spaces and take away from us more than they give us.
So, schedule time away from your phone, or keep phones away in certain areas of your house for example, away from the bedroom or family room when playing with kids. This simple change in habit will help you feel refreshed and more productive.
Good diet
You know how you feel crappy when you had days of junk eating, partying and drinking. Well, when we don’t care for our bodies, the body sends us signals. Busy mothers ignore their own dietary habits, often eating leftovers, and drinking cups of coffee.
Where is the nourishment your body needs to thrive on? You end up feeling exhausted and tired all the time.
Mothers need to focus on their own diets as much as they do their children’s. I know its easier said than done. I realized I had stopped eating fruits once our son started weaning onto solids.
I was cutting and prepping fruits for him to eat, but no longer sitting down and enjoying my own favorite food, fruits!
I used to love berries, apples, and watermelons. But after our son transitioned onto solid foods I become so obsessed with his eating habits that I completely ignored mine. Ignoring fiber-rich foods led to some gut issues and feeling generally at unease.
That was when I took stock of the situation and realized I need to set good habits for myself so that our son learned by example.
The strategy to get me eating healthy is to eat alongside my son. When he eats fruit, I eat some too. We do a lot of family-style meals so that all of us are eating healthily together and not just the kid.
Exercise
I also ignored exercise for a long time. In November of last year, I started working on my stamina. I had reached a point where I knew that only diet was not going to help me.
Exercise immediately made me feel happier, the effects of dopamine release are for real! I found myself less stressed and calmer. I try to integrate some form of exercise in my daily routine without making it a task.
I walk when our son cycles or take the stairs. 2-3 times a week I do 20-minute workouts at home. It doesn’t take a lot to make a commitment. You have to shift focus on yourself and you find the time to do it.
Schedule time for you
From my personal experience, I can say that if you don’t schedule time for yourself, you will never find the time. Self-care is crucial for a mother’s mental health. Make it a point to put yourself on your daily schedule. Here is how you build a self routine as a busy mom.
Work on your hobby or pursue your passion
When we are following a routine day in day out it is natural to feel a sense of boredom and lack of accomplishment.
Especially stay at home mothers feel this lack of accomplishment with regards to your own goals. Start working on a hobby, be it creating something, learning new skills, reading books. Keep yourself actively engaged in yourself.
It is ok to say No
Learning to say No, is important for the mothers’ sanity. We can’t always do everything and be there for everyone. Set certain boundaries for yourself. Be honest with those around you. When you cannot commit to something, say No.
Streamline your schedule
One of my biggest learnings as a solo parent and lady in charge of the household is to set realistic everyday goals or to-do lists.
I don’t overcrowd my schedule. I stick with 2-3 important daily tasks that must be done and then a few minor ones that can be skipped if the day gets busier.
Simple strategies like meal planning, having a solid routine and a support system helps me avoid mom burnout as I work from home.
Find your tribe
Finding the right mom tribe, women that gel with me has helped me in so many ways. Making mom friends is as hard as dating. But once you find a tribe of women you relate with, it is so helpful.
I can call or message my girls and rant or talk about anything that’s troubling me. Because many of them are in the same situation as me, I find some sound advice and tips when I need them.
Make some effort to reach out to other moms in local groups, or classes and connect. In the end, a friend can really help on those low days.
I want to include your husband, mother, and mother-in-law too in this circle because these are the first set of people who will try their best to work with you and be there for you. Nurture these relationships and take care of each other.
To sum it up,
I want you to know that mom burnout is real. You are not the only one going through it.
But there are ways for you to get out of this vicious circle. You need to plan in advance, set up systems around you to support you and ask for help.
Until then, stay strong mama. You can figure this out.
Before our son started preschool we had a very peaceful morning routine in place. Both of us woke up around the same time, I laid out a few open-ended toys for him to play with as I fixed us some breakfast, then we would eat together followed by one on one time before the frantic schedule for the day started. Our school morning routine though was looking quite different. Even though I read up about helping children adjust to school, it took a while for both of us to adjust to getting ready and out of the house five days a week.
I was missing the peaceful mornings we shared before preschool started. We seemed to be running against the clock every day and rushing to get out the door.
It didn’t help that I have to do this solo on most mornings as my husband usually travels for work.
A rushed start to the morning also meant that I was exhausted by the time I drop him off and start my work for the day. My productivity at work took a hit and I was not happy about how things were progressing.
This is when I decided to take control of the situation and first asked for help. Grandma came to our rescue. After a week with grandma helping out, I took a step back and assessed which areas were most difficult to get through the quickest in the morning. For us, breakfast time and dressing up for school was the slowest drag.
Plus, our son was used to mommy sitting with him for breakfast and now I used that time to prepare his snack box in the kitchen. This left him feeling unhappy which affected his willingness to go to school. Once grandma came over and took over the breakfast department, I sat and enjoyed my one on one time with him, I immediately noticed the difference in his willingness to get ready and out the door. He wanted more time with his Mumma before school. I got that now. It was time to fix our routine.
Today I will talk about how we went from frantic and crazy mornings to a peaceful school morning routine.
Need help setting up solid family routines? you should check out Pulling Curl’s e-course on Family Routines. Hilary is a working mom of three. In her program, she shares her secrets to balancing family life using practical routines. The course is online, self-paced and can be taken anywhere. You can hop in and out as you wish.
She provides practical solutions to challenging mom life struggles like morning routines for kids, homework routines, a cleaning routine, toy rotation, handling screen time and more. It’s one course that sorts your family life. Have a look here.
THE SECRETS TO A PEACEFUL SCHOOL MORNING ROUTINE
Prepare the night before
Layout school uniforms, water bottles, school bags the night before.
We prefer having a bath the night before so that the school morning routine is quicker.
I also make sure to prep some of his snack box ingredients and breakfast the night before. This way I am not away from the breakfast table for long and my son gets his wish of mommy and son breakfast time.
For younger kids get them in a routine for a bath followed by storytime and then bedtime. For older kids make sure that they don’t get screen time one hour before bed. Watching screens before bed interferes with good sleep.
A good night’s sleep is essential so the child is fresh and ready to take on a new day. If you have trouble getting your child to bed in time every night here are my top toddler sleep tips to help you get into a healthy nighttime routine.
Wake up before the child
I avoided waking up before my child for a long time. I wanted that extra bit of sleep so bad. But once I started waking up before our son, I could immediately tell the difference in how our mornings changed.
Those extra 20-30 minutes gave me time to prepare breakfast (that way I could sit with him for breakfast, gave us more one-on-one time before school).
I could drink my morning cup of tea in peace. It gives me time to reflect or plan my day in my diary. It puts me in a good mood and that mood transfers to everyone in the household, believe me.
On other days, if my son wants to sleep in a little extra, I let that happen too, in the meantime, I am preparing everything for him. And that little bit of extra sleep makes a big difference to his mood. This technique is especially useful in families with multiple kids, set a staggered wake-up alarm. That way each kid gets time to himself in the bathroom and you avoid early morning bathroom use fights.
Set the mood for a calm morning
There is a strict rule in our home for no screens in the morning. Instead, our son gets time with open-ended toys like magnetic tiles, blocks or his cars. We also try our best to fit in reading books in the morning. This usually gets him in a good mood for the day. I make sure to pick up stories with positive messages or jokes to lift up his spirits in the morning.
Pack simple lunch boxes
I like to go with quick and easy to assemble lunchboxes. Especially on days when I am solo parenting, I tend to go with breakfast ideas that can become the mains in my son’s snack box.
So if we have dosa for breakfast, he gets cheese uttapam in his snack box. Or I stick to quick to prepare snack ideas that won’t take me more than 10 minutes in the kitchen.
I even ask my son to join in and help me prepare his snack box. Add in some fresh local fruit, nuts and seeds and bam! you have a quick and healthy lunchbox ready for school.
This is a big one. Before every next step in the routine (especially for younger children) give the child a heads-up about what is coming next. This gives a child an idea of what is happening in the day and you avoid a few tantrums.
You can also use tricks like a 2-minute timer to get dressed or a morning routine chart to get the kids excited about getting dressed and moving along to the next steps in their routine.
Have family morning traditions
At present we do a book reading in the morning and I pack a favorite snack (his favorites are raisins, apricots or cashews) of his for our ride to the school.
You can read positive affirmations, build a special morning song playlist for the car ride, something that the child will look forward to in the morning and cheer him up.
Always say bye with a hug and a kiss.
No matter how the morning pans out remember to always give your child a hug and kiss as you send him off to school. A special high-five or cute byes like, “See you later Alligator” leave your child with a smile on his face and a sprint in his step.
So there you have it, the secret to a stress-free parenting life is establishing solid routines. Especially on school mornings, all you want is for your children to leave home in a happy state of mind and a good routine ensures just that.
You are probably reading this article as you witness the first changes in your toddler’s behavior and start dealing with the terrible twos. Are you wondering what happened to your baby? And how you can help?
WHY DO THE TERRIBLE TWOS HAPPEN?
First off, let me tell you what you are experiencing is a normal part of child development and the term terrible two’s (one that I personally don’t like to use) is just a period of rapid development.
Your toddler is gaining new skills both motor and language, and this is the first time in his life that he begins to assert independence and test boundaries around him. And as he begins to express himself, emotions also become a part of the picture. He experiences big emotions that he does not yet fully understand.
So at one end, he may be able to express himself and ask for more independence, which is great but this same independence means he now is willing to test the boundaries of his environment and see what else can be explored, something you may not be comfortable with.
Toddlers want to do things on their own but realize they are expected to follow certain rules. The “why” of these rules are not yet clear to them, which can lead to a lot of friction between the parent and the toddler.
If this toddler behavior is normal,
SHOULD YOU IGNORE TODDLER TANTRUMS?
Ignoring your 2-year-olds tantrums will not help the situation.
What message do you think ignoring sends?
That my parents don’t want me to express how I feel, I should bottle up my feelings.
Or worse the child could start feeling abandoned when going through this emotional upheaval which could affect the trust relationship between parent and child in time causing the child to resent his parent.
It is our job as parents to allow a safe space in our home for everyone to voice their feelings, however bad they be and then support and guide our children through this phase.
HOW LONG DO THE TERRIBLE TWOS LAST?
For most toddlers this phase will start around 18 months of age and go on until the age 3 and a little beyond that too.
Many parents don’t even experience these aggressive toddler behaviors during the 2’s, but, start experiencing such behaviors in the 3’s and 4’s.
Rest assured, take it from a mommy of a 5 year old, by the time the kids reach age 4, if you have followed the steps to dealing with the terrible twos I mention here, you will help your child to be able to handle the big feelings and calm down on his own.
Even before I get into what you can specifically do to deal with the “terrible twos”, I will highly recommend the awesome book written by Joanna Faber & Julie King called, How to Talk so Little kids will listen.
This book will guide you through everyday parenting case studies with specific guidance on what you can say to your child so he will listen to you without much resistance.
I have used so many of the strategies listed in this book; it has been a game-changer in my home and one of the key gentle parenting tools I use.
TRIED AND TRUE TIPS FOR DEALING WITH THE TERRIBLE TWOS
Here are 10 tips that can help you better communicate with your toddler and establish a more peaceful home life.
Routine
In a period of rapid development, toddlers crave a certain sameness and consistency. Development wise a lot is happening in these years. Your toddler is learning to walk, talk, develop new fine motor skills and social skills, discover his own likes and dislikes. Basically, your little baby is beginning to grow wings of independence. At times all this new independence can be overwhelming for him.
A consistent routine helps the toddler feel a sense of calm and security. He knows what is expected in the day and feels reassured in the comfort a routine provides.
If you don’t have a routine in place yet, take a few moments and map out all the activities your two years old loves to do in the day. Then plan a daily routine with these activities and other essential daily tasks. Here is a look at our routine at 2 years of age.
Routine for a 2-year-old
7 am-8:30 am Wake up, read books, brush teeth, free play [he chooses what toys to play with. I sit close by with my cup of tea and we play together]
8:30 am-9 am Breakfast
9 am-12:30 pm More free play and on some days a few structured learning activities. Activities and toys like puzzles, building blocks, vehicles, busy books, kitchen utensils, pretend play, water play, play dough, stickers, and artwork are perfect to engage 2-year-olds.
11 am-12:30 pm More free play/reading books/ watch a movie (Sunday is movie day in our home)
12:30 pm-1pm Lunch
1 pm-2 pm Listen to nursery rhymes, tell stories and naptime
2 pm-4 pm Naptime
4 pm-5 pm Snack and free play
5 pm-7 pm Park
7 pm-7:30 pm Dinner
7:30 pm Bath
8 pm-8:30 pm Bedtime routine [brush teeth, read books, tell stories, hugs, cuddles and off to sleep.]
Safe play space
They say a child’s play is his work, and two-year-olds are like busy bees tinkering and exploring all day long. Therefore, it is important to build safe play spaces for your toddler to use and explore.
Instead of being anxious all the time about your two-year-old hurting himself and then passing on that anxiety to your child through too many instructions on how to play, create a safe play area.
Most of your daily struggles with your child will end when you baby proof your home and start giving the toddler the independence to freely move in his space.
If your two year old wants to help you with chores, that is wonderful too. This interest should be welcomed. Your child wants to be part of family life and there is no better life skill you can teach than self-reliance.
Relax your expectations on perfect work and welcome the messes. Buy age-appropriate tools for your two year old to be able to hold and help you around the house so you don’t worry about his safety around adult-sized tools.
Coming to the big issue many parents face around 2 years of age. Anger.
Its hard to stay calm when it feels like all your child is doing all day is make life harder for you. But over a period of time, I have realized that a lot of the 2 year old behavior issues stem from the home environment and how much my child is feeling heard.
At age 2 it is still a lot of guesswork for the parents, understanding what exactly is the trigger for defiance and misbehavior like hitting, biting or screaming.
Before you jump the gun and conclude it’s your child fault or question him “why did you throw this?” or “why did you hit your sister?” etc, etc.
Think about what could lead to the child’s reaction. A 2-year-old cannot appropriately express his feelings in words, so him giving you an answer is quite rare. Instead, take a step back and assess what happened in the moment of the reaction yourself.
Once you know the reason you can comfort your child, make him feel safe and then verbalize for him what exactly happened so he starts to connect the dots and understand his emotions better.
For example, say your children are playing close to each other and your two year old was busy coloring. His younger sister comes along and pulls the crayon out of his hand. Your 2-year-old gets upset about being interrupted and losing his crayon and hits his younger sister. What do you do?
You can say, “Our hands are not for hitting. I see you felt bad your sister took your crayon.”
Then offer a solution to his problem “Here is another one for you” or “Let us count to 5 until your sister uses the crayon and take turns.”
In the meantime, let’s say the other child is crying because she got hit, you can showcase to your child how he can make amends and help her feel better.
Say, “Looks like your sister is hurt, let us give her a tap on her hand and comfort her/bring her a toy/ bring a glass of water.” Whatever suits that moment, but a way for him to make amends for his previous actions without shaming him.
If hitting happens consistently in different situations, that is a behavior that needs to be corrected. How do you do this in a positive and helpful way?
You can read books on topics around empathy, and sharing, like this one. I love this book, it has beautiful illustrations and simple examples of how to show more empathy towards others. Most age-appropriate for children in the 2-3 year age group.
Books like, Hands are not for hitting is also another example of bringing in conversation around the behavior. Reading books leads to conversation and sometimes offers you new insight into your child’s behavior. You can use this insight in tweaking your solutions to current challenges.
This was an example of how you handle challenging behavior in your home without resorting to punishments and screaming.
Discipline using scare tactics like yelling and time out does not yield positive results. You can teach nothing by scaring or intimidating your child.
Instead by consistently teaching your child to name emotions and problem solve you help them see the reason why a certain behavior is wrong and how to manage one’s emotions in a constructive manner.
Having an emotional outburst is not wrong, in fact, it is normal and we want our children to know its okay to express. But how to express without causing harm and in a way that we are communicating effectively is what needs teaching.
Once parents start taking on a problem-solving approach many of the misbehaviors begin to disappear and you settle into a calmer family life with fewer tantrums.
This gentle parenting approach has helped us a lot. I would urge you to read these 3 posts to understand how to manage difficult situations better.
Having rules sets expectations and gives the child certain responsibilities that make life easier for everyone. Do not make a long list of rules for 2-year-olds. Focus on 4-5 rules that give your child a better understanding of how to manage his own tasks.
We have some simple rules that we all follow together as a family, some are beginner-level manners to get him started on proper personal hygiene and others are around managing emotions through communication so it doesn’t escalate into a tantrum.
In the 2’s I only focused on these, and gradually added more in his three’s. It requires consistent work, but at age 3 I already see a lot of improvement in these areas.
Here are the rules we consistently worked on at age 2;
Wash hands and face on entering the home from a trip outside.
Wash hands and face before and after each meal.
Table manners like using cutlery, glasses, no throwing food, keep food you don’t like on the side of the plate instead of throwing.
Use words instead of whining. Every time we are in a cranky or whiny situation we simply remind, “ Use your words please” This encourages our son to speak and articulate what he is feeling and we avoid tantrums.
Limit and replace the use of “no” with more positive instructions or messages.
At age 2 simple instructions get the best responses. Two-year-olds don’t need explanations on why safety is important or why certain behavior is bad they need to know what to do instead. More on effective toddler discipline here.
By age 3 you can start giving more information on why we do things a certain way. That’s when they are receptive to the “Why”, right now keep it short and simple.
Consistent Limits
In all things parenting, if you cannot stay consistent you will face challenging behavior. Deciding on your core family values and then consistently working on these values through the daily routine, stories, and conversations is very important.
It’s important that your child’s innate learning and exploration desires are not curtailed but certain limits for safety or managing emotional responses need to be in place. As parents, it is your job to set these limits for your children. This offers a structure that the toddler can fall back on when he feels overwhelmed.
Use play as a tool
One of the easiest ways to get your toddler to listen to you when you are in a rush is to make a game out of the thing you need him to do. We do this most mornings as we dress for school. We put on a 2 min timer and he rushes to dress before the time is up.
Storytelling also works in most cases.
An article I came across recently showcased how traditional Inuit parenting does not use yelling or scolding as a tool to discipline. There are no time outs and no punishments. Instead, the Inuit’s use storytelling and play to discipline.
These are oral stories passed down from one generation of Inuit to the next, designed to sculpt kids’ behaviors at the moment. Sometimes even save their lives.
Storytelling is universal across human cultures. For tens of thousands of years, it has been the tool that parents use to teach children about values and how to behave.
So the next time you are in a verbal deadlock with your child and wondering how to get him to listen, spin out a story about that situation and watch him follow along.
All this talk about the terrible twos might make you focus on the areas that need work. This does not mean you ignore the times the toddler actually does things the expected way. Give him a little encouragement with your words,
Example: “I see you put your toys back. Now we have a clean space for tomorrow”.
Set the expectations
This works for certain day to day activities or when you need to travel or socialize with your child.
Give the child a heads up of what is expected from the situation and prepare him mentally. This reduces possible stranger anxiety or tantrums.
Need to leave in 15 mins for the park and your 2-year-old is busy with a puzzle?
Give him a heads up. “We have 10 mins to play, and we are done, off to park for us”.
5 mins later give another heads up. In most cases, the child wraps up his game on his own and the entire situation moves along with ease.
How we talk and prepare the child for different situations they will encounter is key to a happy and settled child at the moment.
Whenever you are visiting a new place/party, or a new set of people talk to the child beforehand about what to expect. Give him an idea of what will happen, who he will meet and how you will be interacting (includes social nicety).
When you arrive at the new setting allow your child to take his time to adjust. There is no rush to be social. The child is observing you as you socialize and connecting the dots between what you mentioned about this day and what is happening at the moment.
Give him time to go through the moment on his own. If he does not want to interact, do not force him. No need to force the child to say hello or thank you.
If he finds the new situation overwhelming take a breather and go outside for a moment. Mention to your hosts, “he needs a little more time, once he is ready he will join us”. Most importantly let him know you are there for him, helping him with this new situation.
Continue modeling the behavior you expect from your child. Definitely, do not stop socializing because of a stray event where your child was overwhelmed. And most importantly do not make your child feel guilty by scolding him about his shyness.
Messy play or sensory play as we call it uses all the senses: sight, sound, touch, smell, and taste. This type of play allows a toddler to be able to identify what they are playing with more deeply and better than just seeing things.
Sensory play allows the child to work out where he ends and where the world begins. How the world around him feels and is different from him.
It allows children to develop a more expressive language as they grow. The more they touch and feel the more they understand about the world they are living in.
Sensory play also allows the child to calm down. This is why it can be used as a tool to teach emotional regulation to younger kids. Read here to learn more about the benefits of sensory play for kids.
One of the reasons I am a strong proponent of baby-led weaning too is for this very reason. Getting messy is important for a child’s development.
The more a child explores his food through touch, taste and smells the better his language skills. Better language skills mean you can better understand your child and help him with any unpleasant emotional state.
Plan all activities keeping the toddler’s current state in mind. No child is going to be able to follow along when he is thirsty, hungry or tired. When you build a routine plan your activities considering these constraints and you won’t have a meltdown.
I understand sometimes it’s not possible to avoid certain social meetings or appointments just because it’s your toddler’s nap time. In such a situation brace your self and hope for the best.
We all had toddlers throwing a tantrum in the wrong place at the wrong time, make a joke about it and try to ease the stress of those around you in that situation.
Hopefully, there are not going to be too many such instances so we just breathe through it.
In the end, all I want you to remember in those tough moments is that this is just a phase, terrible twos is part of normal 2 year old behavior and soon your kids will be learning how to regulate their emotions better and express their feelings to you.
Stay strong until then mama, and give your child all the love he needs as he navigates this phase in development.
I hope all the tips listed here help you in some way in your motherhood journey. Let me know in the comments below some of the challenges you face when dealing with the terrible two’s and we can problem-solve together.
If you have followed me for a while by know you know I solo parent 80% of the time. My husband is constantly traveling for work and most of the parenting aspect falls squarely on my shoulders. While solo parenting is quite challenging, over a period of time I have developed my own systems that help me through the solo times.
WHAT IS SOLO PARENTING?
The term solo parenting is used to describe a parent raising children in the partner’s brief absence. While the term is sometimes used interchangeably with single parenting the big difference between solo parenting and single parenting is that in solo parenting the partner is absent only for a period of time. For example when he travels for work or lives out station.
Solo parenting in most cases is not a matter of choice, the situation arises out of circumstances like spouses work obligations.
CHALLENGES OF SOLO PARENTING?
Parenting as it is, is quite a challenge. One of the bigger challenges (and quite obvious one) that I face when I solo parent is being alone. My husband and I are very much involved as a unit on Parenting principles so when he is not around and I am in charge of the ship all by myself I find it very lonely and difficult. Missing the spouse when they are away make one more emotional which can make decision making weaker.
Children are raised by a village they say and when you solo parent you need that support system. It’s a lot of hard work, between home, the children and your job and requires a lot of stamina and actual physical strength. This was one of the surprises of parenting when I first became a mother. No one had mentioned how much more energy and physical strength I would need to garner in order to get through a day.
Finding quality alone time and time to socialize may reduce if you are the primary caretaker and this affects your mental health. Keeping YOU in the list, forget at the top of the list is hard when solo parenting.
Before I continue with what worked for me, I want to make sure to point out that this post is not a comparison to the life of single parents. I am only sharing struggles of solo parents and how to help with solo parenting. Each of these situations is different in their own way and the challenges it presents are also different. This does not mean that one mother’s struggle is harder than anothers.
Here are some tips that help me when solo parenting.
SOLO PARENTING TIPS
Embrace your reality
I spoke about this recently in an Instagram post, but the very first thing you need to survive solo parenting is acceptance. You need to embrace your new reality. Most solo parenting situations arise without any choice. This can cause resentment and self pity. Both very unhealthy emotions to live with continuously.
Life is ever changing and we need to accept our circumstances before we try to tackle the challenges it poses.
If you are not accepting of your life situation the resentment and anger you feel towards your situation will spill over into other parts of your life.
Our children sense our unhappiness and unknowningly we create a stressful and anxious environment in the home.
2. Prepare for the absence
Organize every aspect of your life as much as is possible. Try to set up systems that work without needing a partner around to help. Some of the systems we set up so that the house is fully functioning at all times are,
Grocery delivery each week: This way I don’t need to step out of the house with my son in tow to buy staples. Each week certain basic grocery and pantry supplies are delivered home to help me with meal planning.
Meal planning: When you are running the house solo, meal planning is a huge help. You don’t need to whip up elaborate meals. With a few prepped ingredients you can quickly build a plate of food for your children and you. Here are my meal planning tips for busy moms.
Rely as much as is possible on one pot meals and buildable snack plates.
I plan new indoor activities/ or buy some new toys (stickers, activity books, something small) for my son when dad is away for longer time periods. Children also feel cranky when one of the parents is gone for a while, you need to plan some thing to distract the feelings of lonliness. Helps them feel better and teaches them how to keep onself engaged even in the absence of one parent.
Other than at home activities I make sure to plan social outings and play dates. This keeps both of us busy and gives us something to look forward to when daddy is away.
3. Slow and Steady
When my husband is gone on long stints, I plan my days in a way where I build the pace slowly through the days. I start out with slower unstructured days first and then, other more planned hectic days are scheduled closer to my husbands return. This way I am not exhausted right at the onset of my solo parenting stint.
That said, I understand there are unexpected days and other circumstances that can make this tip useless to some moms, but this worked for us when our son was not in school and I was in charge of our days routine.
4. Routine
Which brings me to routine. Little children are more relaxed when there is a set pattern to the day. Try and instill some sort of structure to your day from the very beginning so that your child can follow along better on days you are solo parenting. Routine is a big help and the only way you can have some me-time at the end of the day.
5. Check your expectations
A big tip I can give any mother who is solo parenting is to keep expectations low. No matter how well you plan there are going to be days when everything falls apart. Everyone needs you, everything needs to be fixed and you have no dinner on the table.
On such days just go with the flow, try your best to be grateful for everything you have, and call a friend for help or put on some T.V for the kids and just rest.
Choose your battles wisely. Allowing the kids a little freeway for peace of mind is okay.
6. Communication
Talk with your partner about both your needs. An important aspect no one talks about is that the traveling spouse misses home and family too. Talk to your spouse, understand his struggles. Carve out daddy and child time when he returns. This can also be the much needed alone time for you.
7. Self-care
Self-care is as important as caring for the family. Many of us look at the time for self-care as something that needs to be earned as a result of working for our families. But if you put yourself last on the list repeatedly, you will soon burn out.
And last but most importantly, build a support system. A backup for you to fall on. It can be either of your parents, a baby sitter, or a friend. You need someone to fall back on when things are not going right. There will be days you need a team of people helping you along, and that’s okay. You really cannot do it all.
That’s about it. These are the simple ways I am managing my life as a solo parent on days my husband is away on work trips.
There have been a lot of learnings and through those, I have come to give up on perfection and enjoy the moments I get with our son.
No matter how hard it feels right now, remember this is just a season in your life. You are still in charge of how you deal with it.
I hope this blog post encourages you to embrace solo parenting and find joy even on the hard days.
How do you manage your time as a solo parent? Do you have tips for me?
With Mother’s Day around the corner, I see a lot of posts celebrating mothers. I wanted to write one just for moms too. Moms who like me are trying to move beyond motherhood. To create an identity that doesn’t just restrict them to being called Mothers.
Motherhood is so much more than just a phase of life. It is an all-consuming role that we all take on with great love and responsibility.
Don’t get me wrong when I say, I want to move beyond motherhood. I always wanted to be a mother and love being one. I have an inner drive to be a better mom every day. Constantly learning new parenting strategies and techniques to be the best mom I can be for my son.
But does this passion for Motherhood mean that I am just that, a Mother?
THE MILLENNIAL MOTHERS CONFUSION
This is where it gets tricky, as millennial mothers most of us choose this intensive parenting style that requires us to be immersed in child rearing. Along the way, many of us start to lose our personal identities. We allow motherhood and our roles as mothers to take over as our identity.
One unique aspect of Motherhood is its ability to make the most self-centered of us self less and giving for the sake of our children. Its no wonder then, that so many of us lose ourselves in the process.
Millennial mothers are idealists rooted in tradition.
Think about it, most of us have seen two contrasting examples of motherhood; one, our stay at home grandmothers centering all their focus on quality family life and the other our resolute breadwinning working mothers.
To millennial moms, each of these mothers had something valuable to offer and look up to. But balancing both roles is a tough job.
This is the beginning of my confusion as a Millennial Mother and most other mothers from my generation.
Most of our working mothers lived in joint family setups, these days we all live in nuclear setups. Another important point to note is that back in the day most jobs were truly 9-5, our mothers could come home and spend quality time with us in the evenings. There were two day weekend holidays too. This kind of work life is almost nonexistent today. Workers are expected to put in long hours, sometimes carry work home and a two day weekend off is rare in many Indian companies.
How do we balance a career and motherhood? and can we really have it all?
Neither do we want to relinquish control from our children’s lives nor do we want to give up on our career aspirations.
Millennial working mothers lose themselves in running the home, career and juggling the crazy expectations they have of themselves as mothers.
Millenial stay at home moms are in a constant mental battle; should I let go of my career completely? Will my children value the time I spent with them?
Mom guilt is huge among the millennial mommy lot. As I told you before, we have seen contrasting examples of motherhood. We love both ideas but how can we be both efficiently in today’s fast-paced world?
This brings me to the question that has been the center of intense thought in my personal life – How to move beyond Motherhood?
WHY ARE SO MANY WOMEN LEAVING THE WORKFORCE IN INDIA
non-availability of quality childcare (a huge problem in India)
no support systems, our parents were working their entire lives, they deserve a break too.
lack of flexible maternity policies and job opportunities
In a country where the mother is still looked at as the primary caregiver and the father as primary breadwinner, it is quite hard to shun these deeply routed mindsets and focus on our careers.
The working mom is always blamed for all the insufficiencies in her children’s lives. They say it takes a village to raise a child, but where is this village in this modern age?
Noone asks the father in office how he will manage after the birth of his child? Because parenting is not looked at as a fathers concern. There is no concept of equal parenting leaves that can be distributed among both parents.
Mothers in India are constantly battling these questions as they prepare to return to workforce once maternity leave is over.
This deeply routed mindset, coupled with lack of proper infrastructure to care for the baby, leads to many women leaving the workforce in disappointment.
But first, mothers need to stand for mothers.
WE ARE ALL WORKING WOMEN – MOVING BEYOND LABELS
It’s quite unfortunate that large women-oriented websites and media still continue to propagate online debates spurring wars between SAHM v/s Working Mom. It’s hard enough being a mom.
Why can’t a mom just be a mom? why does she need to categorize herself into a stay at home (read lazy mom) or working mom (read hard working mom)?
These are labels given to show women that in order to be worthy or equal to a man they need to go out into the workforce. They have placed a monetary value on the worth of human beings. If you don’t generate an income you are not contributing to society. Do you think your stay at home grandmother or mother didn’t serve a role in contributing to society?
If you choose to stay at home, you don’t all of a sudden become less worthy or lazier compared to other women or men. Understand the divisive nature of these labels before you choose to identify with them.
As women, we should be shunning such labels that place us in rigid boxes. There are all types of moms, stay at home moms, working moms, work from home moms and moms that hop in and out of these three categories. Then why categorize it, let’s be flexible. We are mothers first, and we are all working regardless of income.
Which brings me to the first point in how to move beyond motherhood.
LOOKING AT YOUR LIFE BEYOND THE MOTHERHOOD ASPECT
1. Change your perspective of success
This is for moms who are currently at home and frustrated about a stagnant career. If you made the decision to stay at home with your kids, be confident in your choice. You obviously came to this decision after a lot of thought and consideration.
Look at your career as a long road, if for whatever reason you have to pause, it is just that a “comma”, not a “full stop”.
Work brings meaning to our lives. Isn’t that why we work? If you cannot work full time and earn an income, use your time in other meaningful pursuits.
So what if you can’t go out of the home for a full-time job. Work around it, parallel to it, just keep working. Keep your desire to work alive. This is the key shift in mindset that could lead you to a more flexible new role.
Feeling resigned to your current circumstance and constantly pitying yourself is part of a story you make yourself believe. A story of defeat.
Are all career graphs linear? Many successful women have a non-linear and winding road to success and a career they love. Look at this break as a time to build a thick skin and learn new life skills.
At the end of the day, your resume highlights your skills. And if anything motherhood makes you an amazing manager. I don’t know of any mother who has not multi-tasked and managed high-stress situations head-on.
These are skills to hone, nurture and be proud of. Wear that motherhood badge with pride. Only then will corporates take you seriously when you choose to join back.
2. Re-skill
Learn new skills, take online courses. Look for freelance gigs to keep yourself creatively and mentally engaged. The joy you will feel on learning new skills will translate to a more peaceful and better motherhood experience.
Regardless if you are working or not all moms should constantly learn and upskill.
Sometimes when you are a working mom too, you are down on yourself with a burden of multiple responsibilities. Take time out to learn something new to regain that self-confidence.
Reskilling and upskilling give you the drive to continue working on yourself.
No education is ever a waste. Your children too will learn to value constant learning in life and seeing you adapt to different situations pick up resilience skills from you.
3. Socialize
Find like-minded friends to go out with. Great conversation helps to nourish the soul. So many times when I was low, just going out with a friend for a coffee instantly helped pick me up. You relate to each other and provide solutions to nagging problems.
An important point to note here is to find friends who lift you up. If you are friends with someone who is constantly negative and only loves to rant that’s not going to help. I would suggest, run for the hills! There is no time for energy suckers in our lives right now.
This is a trending new word all over social media right now. But really, what self-care means is to care for your mind, body, and soul.
Self-care should not be looked at as a reward for working hard as a mother, its an important component of being a fulfilled human being and a good mother.
As they say, you cannot pour from an empty cup.
Look out for yourself. Dedicate time slots in your schedule just for you. Carve out a self-care routine that suits your current life situation.
This does not mean you are a selfish mother, it only means you recognize and fulfill your own needs in order to nurture others.
5. Engage with your passions
Balancing motherhood and careers can mean the death of our passions and hobbies.
Try and find smart ways to engage with your hobbies again, love reading and no time to read, listen to an audiobook of your favorite book as you drive around on chores or to work.
Love dancing, get daddy to babysit on weekend afternoons so you can attend a class.
Even a small effort towards building your old passions helps rejuvenate the mind and bring back your enthusiasm to live life fully.
6. Set the intention and achieve goals
In the midst of crazy parenting life, we all lose touch with our inner goals and dreams. You need an organized and intentional mindset to getting your dream life and goals.
Spend some time introspecting what you want from life. Chart out monthly, quarterly and yearly goals.
7. Make your health a priority
This is a big one. Your family needs you to be around for as long as possible. I know many of us stop thinking about our own nutrition as we focus on providing nutritious meals to our littles. I am just as guilty on this one. But how can we perform to our best abilities if we don’t have the energy to do anything.
Set up some practical routines focussed on your diet and fitness. Try to squeeze in time for a little exercise every day.
Pre-prepare meals and snacks on a weekend to help eat healthier on busy weekdays.
Prioritize your health.
Yes, motherhood is a crazy and intense ride. Especially during the early years of our children’s lives. But the point is to make an effort and give ourselves a shot too. Our families deserve fulfilled and content mothers.
The intention of this post is to provide encouragement and hope to mothers who feel lost in motherhood. Start by making small changes to bring yourself back up your priority list. We can have it all, just not all at once. We will have it all “in time”. Until then keep your spirits up and work on creating a life outside of motherhood. One that is just for YOU.
Here’s wishing all of you a Happy Mother’s Day!
Leave me your thoughts or an encouraging note for other mothers in the comment section below. What do you do just for yourself that has positively impacted your family life? And how did you go about doing this? Let’s have a conversation in the comments section.
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As busy moms having a self care routine in place can be the key to a more healthier lifestyle. Self care is not a priority for most moms when all they are trying to achieve is getting through the day. But with a little planning, you can incorporate some self care into your daily routine.
What Is Self Care?
Self care is any activity done in order to improve physical, mental and emotional health.
Why Is It Important To Have A Self Care Routine?
Spending some time of the day devoted to self care helps improve mood, reduces stress and anxiety. Self care also improves the quality of your relations with others. As they say, you cannot give from an empty cup. Once you feel rejuvenated you are more inclined to participate and do more for others in your life. That is why it is so important to build a self care routine alongside your daily activities as a mother.
How To Start
Maintaining a journal or planner is an important practice, to begin with. Start with jotting down everything that’s going on in your life.
How does your day look like? What are you feeling currently? What area of your life would you like to see improvements in? Etc. Once you have brain dumped everything in your journal, start narrowing down to specific areas and concerns.
Examples of questions to ask yourself:
What do I want to change right now? – Bad habits? Repetitive and futile emotions consuming your life? Sometimes it’s people in your life that are causing stress and anxiety.
Are there old self care routines that I would love to start again?
Am I getting enough sleep?
What do I like?
Create a list of focus areas to target once you have identified and named the things you want to change or incorporate.
Having good health is key to feeling and looking good. Eating foods high in nutrition coupled with exercise can make a world of a difference to your well being.
Here are a few posts that will motivate you to eat better and all these require little to no cooking skills
Change in mindset – Once you have identified the key areas in your life that need work, create an action plan to tackle these. Adding in time for self care requires a conscious effort on your part. Don’t look at self care as a “reward system”. It should be looked at as a part of the process of building a healthy lifestyle. If you look at it as a reward, you will tend to push it further away in the day and maybe skip it all together. You don’t deserve self care as a reward for some kind of hard work. Its an essential part of being a healthy human being; physically, emotionally and mentally. We need to take care of ourselves in order to take care of others.
Avoid situations or people that make you unhappy. These have no place in your life right now. Focus on yourself first.
Some activities like browsing through social media at night or checking on emails first thing in the morning are known to cause disturbed sleep and anxiety. These are better avoided. Decide on a calming and peaceful bedtime routine and morning rituals.
Build the self care routine around your current life situation. Plan your day adding in your favorite activities to suitable time slots. Maybe you have half an hour in the morning or at night after the kids go to bed. Maybe you have an afternoon a week just for yourself. Fill out a weekly plan with time slots dedicated to you. Maintaining a weekly planner can come in handy. When you designate time for yourself in the planner you are more likely to actually implement it.
A self care routine can be anything from 5 minutes to 30 minutes a day. Even adding such little time to self care into your routine will leave you more rejuvenated to do other tasks around the house.
Self care is not just about the physical things you can do to take care of yourself, it should include key activities to build emotional and mental wellbeing too. I find jotting down my feelings on a piece of paper when I am stressed, angry, frustrated to be very helpful. It allows me to assess why I am feeling so, is it something I can shrug off or do I need to take specific steps to correct these. Sometimes all you need to do is acknowledge your feelings to understand them better and move on. That is why journaling is such a powerful tool to maintain emotional well-being.
Learn to say No – you don’t have to do everything all at once. Learn to differentiate between tasks that are essential and ones that are time eaters. Sometimes we take on tasks just to please others in our lives, learn to say No when you know that the said task is taking away time from your schedule. Stick to your schedule instead of going off the rail and then getting into the vicious circle of stress and no time for self.
A beautiful thing that you will notice, is that the more you practice self care the easier and frequent it becomes. Self care becomes a habit when you practice it daily. It comes to you like second nature.
Here are examples of self care activities you can do in 5 minutes, 30 minutes or 2 hours a day.
Brain dump – Assess your mental and emotional health. What are issues that are nagging you, assess feelings etc
Got 30 minutes?
Pedicure
Manicure
Put on a face mask
Have a long bath
Listen to music
Read a book
Make a big bowl of salad for yourself
An exercise session
Dance
Nap
Indulge in a skincare routine – Exfoliate, wash, tone and moisturize
Go for a walk
Online shopping
Organize your closet/financials etc – Some people find organizing therapeutic if you are one of them, go for it!
Got 2-4 hours?, Yay!!
Salon
Spa
Meet a friend for lunch/coffee
Watch a movie
Read a book
Go shopping
Start an old hobby
Learn a new skill
Binge watch your favorite TV series
I hope this post gets you thinking about self care. Don’t feel down on yourself if there are days you cannot squeeze in time for yourself. It happens to all of us. Recognize that this is part of mom life too – juggling between things, craving and striving for balance. I know as moms it’s challenging to put ourselves first. Just keep yourself and your needs in your mind too. Don’t feel defeated.
Do comment below what your favorite self care practices are? If you like what you read follow me on Instagram, Facebook and Pinterest. Looking forward to seeing you there!
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When I found out I am pregnant, I rushed out to buy my own copy of “What to expect when you are expecting?” After reading the entire book I was still left with many questions & doubts regarding pregnancy, labor and motherhood. The only topic I took for granted was breastfeeding.
“Isn’t breastfeeding natural, why should I worry about it?” I thought my body would just figure it out. It is quite common for pregnant women to take breastfeeding lightly. We assume it is what all women do without any trouble. This is because we as women don’t talk about breastfeeding with other new moms. We push this very important topic to the side and let shopping for baby and building a nursery, preparations for labor etc. take precedence in our conversations with new mothers.
I started out with a goal to breastfeed my baby for 6 months, but here I am at 14 months and still going strong. A lot has changed since day 1 of Little A’s life, there is a lot I wish I knew when I started my breastfeeding journey. But that is the intention of this blog post. As new moms, we all want to know what exactly we can do to have that successful breastfeeding journey. And hopefully, my top tips will help on your breastfeeding journey with your baby.
Build your success team
You need your husband, mother, and mother-in-law whoever is in it with you in terms of the baby care to be on board the breastfeeding train. Breast milk takes time to establish so keep feeding the baby as many times as he/she demands. Then there are growth spurts too with dips in milk supply. During these crucial times you want your support system to be on board and not pressure you to give in and give the formula bottle. Sit everyone down and make your breastfeeding goals clear. Ask them to help out with home chores, baby care and cooking so that you can focus on feeding baby with no other stressors.
Proper latch
Make sure to have a proper latch established. If it hurt’s every time you feed most probably the latch isn’t correct. Most hospitals have a nurse come in and help latch the baby on the first time. My hospital also sent in a lactation consultant and she guided me through different positions, how a good latch looks etc.
A good latch is when you start with baby’s nose to your nipple so that they can open their mouth wide and your nipple can touch the roof of the baby’s mouth. The lower part of breast and areola should be covered by baby’s mouth this ensures proper sucking action. I have linked below a series of videos that cover the topic of proper latch and positions for breastfeeding. These are great resources for new moms like you.
Lactation Expert
As I mentioned in the point above if there are any nagging doubts in your mind or pain during feeds or just to ensure you are doing it all correctly, get in touch with a Lactation Consultant. Not only will they guide you on getting the latch right but also demonstrate different positions to hold the baby in while feeding, how to burp the baby etc. I found my session with the LC in the hospital very informative and comforting that I am on the right track.
Another way to learn all about breastfeeding is through an online self-paced breastfeeding class. Sometimes we have limited time with our LC’s or find that breastfeeding brings with it unannounced challenges at odd hours of the day. Investing in an online lactation class helps you with all the correct information you need at your fingertips.
Rest and relax [create a nursing corner]
The initial weeks go by in such a daze. You are still exhausted from the labor and now you are feeding your baby round the clock every 2-3 hours. Just use these initial weeks to relax and bond with your baby. Don’t stress too much about cleaning up the house, or baby care. Buy all baby items before the delivery or if you are still lacking key essentials get your husband to run errands.
Create a small Nursing Corner next to your bed or baby’s crib where you can sit comfortably, add a lot of pillows, a water bottle, nipple cream, snacks (e.g. dry fruits and dates), a table clock and a notebook (or app) to track the feed duration and time, a good book to read. I started enjoying my nursing sessions once this little area was created for me. I didn’t have to worry about anything as everything was already by my side.
Stay hydrated
Breastmilk is more than 80% water and nursing frequently makes one thirsty. Drink lots of water. Incorporate soups, smoothies, juices in your diet, the more nutrient packed the better. These are a great addition to a nursing mother’s diet.
Eat nourishing foods
Eating nourishing and healthy foods helps you recuperate faster and build your depleted resources once again. Have your mom, family and friends send you fresh home cooked meals those initial weeks. In time when you gain your strength back, invest a few hours on weekends and make weekly preparations or batch cook meals for your family. Look for one pot meal ideas. Learn to snack healthy. There are many healthy snack ideas you can choose from.
Also, I know a lot of us slack on taking our vitamins but as long as you are nursing take all your supplements daily. Focus on your health and body as you need to not only nourish your body but your baby too.
The first problem I encountered as a new nursing mom was exhaustion and arm pain with all the nursing round the clock. Then on a friend’s recommendation, my husband went to a local store and bought me a nursing pillow. I was skeptical at first and thought “How can this help me, I am doing the same thing here with regular pillows”. But it did! My breastfeeding pillow was my best friend for the first three months of baby’s life. I used it at every feed. It gave good arm and back support. It is so much more comfortable to feed using the breastfeeding pillow. I would highly recommend getting a nursing pillow or boppy pillow, whichever you like. You need it, trust me if you want to breastfeed comfortably get one.
Don’t start pumping immediately
I avoided pumping until 6 weeks because I didn’t want Little A to have nipple confusion. Also in the initial days milk comes in mere drops, which could end up scaring you about quantity. Remember infants have tiny stomachs and as long as your baby is sleeping well after feeds and producing at least 6 wet diapers a day along with steady weight gain, don’t stress about quantity of milk. It’s best you first establish your breastfeeding relationship with your baby and get comfortable with breastfeeding before introducing the pump. That said once you have an established milk supply it’s a wonderful break for tired moms to keep some milk aside for baby and let another family member feed the baby.
It gets better
No matter what difficulty you are going through right now with breastfeeding it will get better. Keep persisting. You will develop your own relationship with your child and soon both will be pro’s at it. Even if you manage to breastfeed your infant for just one day and for whatever reason you were not successful still pat yourself on the back. There is no need for guilt.
You can also find support online on Facebook through a group called “Breastfeeding Support For Indian Mothers”.
“Mothers and babies form an inseparable biological and social unit; the health and nutrition of one group cannot be divorced from the health and nutrition of the other.” – World Health Organization
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Pediatric Nutrition Consultant | FOUNDER & EDITOR AT EASYMOMMYLIFE.COM
I’m a mom to two by day and the Editor-in-Chief of Easy Mommy Life by night. This blog is where evidence-based child nutrition meets the wonderfully messy reality of everyday family life.
Here, you’ll find practical guidance on picky eating, balanced meals, healthy kid-friendly recipes, and research-backed parenting advice - all created to help modern parents make confident choices without adding more stress to their already busy lives.
