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What Are Age Appropriate Expectations From A Toddler

Ophira5 CommentsJune 12, 2021February 25, 2020

Read time: 10 minutes

age appropriate expectations from toddlers

Toddler years are the first time many parents start to experience a disconnect with their child. It is frustrating for parents trying to establish firm boundaries to face a constant rule-defying child.

Why does this happen?

Well, the problem usually lies in unrealistic expectations from the child.

And the answer lies in setting age-appropriate expectations.

From my personal experience and talking with 100’s of mothers on Instagram and now proved through this survey, I can tell you that most friction between parents and toddlers occurs because of incorrect expectations placed on a child that’s not yet ready.

I am happy to collaborate with my friend and fellow Gentle Parenting mama, Vaishali from Amma Today, and share with you information on how to make your life with your toddler more peaceful with less drama.

Age-appropriate expectations from toddlers

Let us look at some common areas of struggle for parents and understand what is appropriate to expect from a toddler.

SLEEP

Sleep is a big concern for many parents. Parents are fussing over skipping of the day-time nap (that one big break mothers look forward to in the day) and multiple waking’s in the night.

Sleep deprivation is one of the biggest triggers for anger in parents. So, I get your frustration over your toddler’s seemingly erratic sleep patterns. But let me assure you that what you are experiencing is fairly normal for toddlers.

What are the normal expectations for sleep in toddlers?

Toddlers need about 12-13 hours of sleep every 24 hours. This sleep is usually broken down into 10-12 hours at night, followed by a nap of 1-2 hours during the day.

During the toddler years, the child is increasingly aware of his surroundings, the happenings in and around his home environment and more connected to his caregivers. This often means that the child will try to delay bedtime and stay up with the family.

It is okay to establish certain rules around bedtime, but this entire routine will take a while to set and until then you will need to provide a consistent framework.

Less than 5% of two-year-olds wake three or more times at night. (source)

Now with regards to sleeping through the night, I found this fascinating study that suggests that the norms around sleep need to be revised for breastfed toddlers.

It said that the published norms for infant sleep/wake patterns during the first 2 years of life included an increase in the length of maximum sleep bout from four to five to eight to ten hours by 4 months but a little decrease in total sleep in 24 hours from 13 to 15 hours.

The study followed thirty-two breast-fed infants for 2 years and collected data on 24-hour patterns of nursing and sleep.

It found that infants who were breastfed into the second year did not develop sleep/wake patterns in conformance with the norms. Instead of having long unbroken sleep at night, they continued to sleep in short bouts with frequent wakings for feeds. Their total sleep in 24 hours was less than that of weaned infants.

This pattern was most pronounced in infants who both nursed and shared a bed with the mother, common practices in many non-western cultures.

Therefore the sleep/wake development accepted as the physiologic norm may be attributable to the early weaning and separated sleeping practiced in western culture.

As prolonged breastfeeding becomes more popular in our society, the norms of sleep/wake patterns in infancy will have to be revised. (source)

FOOD

Now the second most important parenting concern and cause for much frustration and stress is food intake.

What is considered age-appropriate in terms of eating patterns and behaviors in young children?

Here are 4 points you need to consider as you set your expectations around food

Growth slows down in the toddler years as compared to baby-hood. This means that toddlers’ food intake will reduce.
Most toddlers are picky eaters, this goes back to the evolutionary protectionist behavior in toddlers. Toddlers being explorers used to roam free and were exposed to different plants and herbs some of which could be poisonous. This protective instinct helped them from accidentally eating a poisonous plant.
Another important point to note is that around one year of age they finally begin to understand what they eat and can exert a level of control on how much they can eat. This brings with it a certain level of self-protection and guards against different flavors and textures. They crave sameness and consistency. This mechanism helps them feel safe and protected in a period where they are rapidly developing new skills such as speech, walking, running, climbing, certain new cognitive skills, etc.
Most toddlers also do not yet possess functional independence, this means they cannot yet eat without making a mess, but they need the opportunity to eat independently and learn how to self-feed. Messy eating is a part of growing up and learning to eat independently, therefore parents who continue to feed their children because they make a mess when they eat are having unrealistic expectations, which in turn robs the child of the opportunity to learn how to eat on his own.

All of this is part of normal growth and development in the toddler years. As parents, you may need to readjust your expectations around the quantity of food consumed per meal (look at this guide here) and allow some messes to be made.

I will add here though, that toddler years are a great time to start working on those table manners and basic mealtime routines. Explain in short sentences and simple words what is expected at the table.

Our son went through a phase of throwing food off the plate;

I had to repeat many times,

“When you don’t like something, keep it on the side of the plate”

When it went on a few more times, I used to lay down a natural consequence.

“We don’t throw food in our house. I will take away your plate if you continue throwing food off the plate.”

And I followed through on my consequence when throwing continued.

In time he got it and stopped the habit.

In the meantime, as we worked on this behavior I also tried my best to understand why throwing was happening.

After a bit of trial and error I figured, when a lot of different foods were placed on his plate, especially in larger quantities, he was overwhelmed. His response was to eat a little and then throw foods off the plate.

Once I understood this, I changed the way I served him food. We started by offering him only one tablespoon of each food on the plate when we served. He could ask for more as he finished. This strategy worked really well.

So the combination of me changing his exposure to bad behavior causing circumstance and applying natural consequences when things got out of hand helped us get through to our son and stop the unwanted behavior.

BEHAVIOR

Toddlers are going through an emotional whirlwind. This is the first time they are experiencing feelings like anger, guilt, shame, frustration, and their tiny brains cannot process these big emotions.

Understanding where your toddler is at emotionally can help parents manage toddler tantrums and unpredictable behaviors.

Offer them age-appropriate choices so they feel a sense of control.

And help them name these new emotions they are going through so they learn to recognize the emotion.

Coach your toddler on how to cope with certain feelings.

The following blog posts will give you exact strategies for handling emotions in toddlers.

How to handle the Terrible twos

Phrases to use when your toddler doesn’t listen

How to deal with aggression in toddlers

DISCIPLINE

Discipline literally means to teach and has nothing to do with punishment. Unfortunately, many parents think of discipline as punishing the child.

In a recent survey, it was found that employees would rather take a pay cut in favor of a better work-life balance. Extrinsic motivators like higher tiles and pay did not lead to more productivity at work. But a work environment that provided employees more control over their lives lead to more intrinsically motivated staff who work better.

This same human psychology works in children.

The more you give your children agency in life, the more settled and cooperative they will be.

Our job as parents is to create freedom within limits.

Our children need safe spaces to move in. And until they can figure it out themselves they need guidance on the subject of safety and how to treat those around them. Guidance, not punishments or shaming. You can call this a period of “hand-holding.”

Children thrive on routines, therefore provide children with a solid routine. A routine adds to sense security and calm.

At the same time understand that any change in routine be it travel, the arrival of a younger sibling, starting school will cause a shift in toddler behavior.

Give your child some grace during such periods and with consistency bring them back to the routine.

Instead of time-outs consider a time-in with the parent. Allow the child some space to figure out what went wrong in the heat of the moment.

At the same time give him the comfort of knowing that his parents love him regardless of his actions.

Certain situations do warrant a more firm approach and for these situations, parents can use Natural Consequences. To understand how to help your child through the chaos and set natural consequences read, Vaishali’s post here.

SOCIALIZATION AND SHARING

Around age 2, parents start making a lot of effort into helping the child socialize. This may be done through play dates or enrolling the child in playgroup.

But for the large part toddlers are still involved in parallel play and may not yet be ready to engage in cooperative play.

Some toddlers also go through stranger anxiety which can make socialization challenging.

How can parents help?

Well, first off, readjust your expectations on what toddler socialization looks like.

Parallel play is as important as cooperative play. Go to the park and on playdates. Your child is observing how other children play, how they talk and engage with those around. Mixed-age groups are very enriching for toddlers to learn from. So, don’t stop social outings because you feel your child is not engaging with those around.

Many parents also make a big deal out of sharing. Sharing happens when the child wants to engage in cooperative play (you will see this skill develop somewhere around age 4). 2-3-year-olds are not yet ready to share their toys and you should not force them to do the same.

You can, however, teach the child to take turns when playing in a group and practice self-control at home through different games. Games like “stop and go”, “lock and key” are great to get toddlers used to following simple instructions and practice controlling impulse.

At the same time, we don’t want to label our children selfish or punish them for skills that are not yet developed and ones that even when developed take long to be established.

My hope with this post is that parents understand that most of the chaos in our parenting lives is self-created when we lack empathy and have unrealistic expectations from our children.

Understanding toddler’s limitations and setting age-appropriate expectations avoid a lot of frustrations and disappointments. How we talk with our children and the expectations we have from them builds their confidence and makes them emotionally resilient in the long run.

What are some of the challenges you face as a toddler mom? Do these stem from unrealistic expectations?

Aggression in 3 Year Olds : How You Can Help

Ophira4 CommentsJune 16, 2021September 13, 2019

Read time: 9 minutes

aggressive 3 year old-aggression in 3 year olds

Aggression in 3-year-olds can take many parents by surprise. As adults, we view aggressive behavior as unhealthy and inherently wrong. So when we first encounter aggression in 3-year-olds (some 2-year-olds also exhibit these aggressive behaviors) we are shocked and feel as if we are failing to raise a good human being.

Okay, before you start stressing about your aggressive 3 year old, let me assure you, what you are experiencing is a normal part of emotional and behavioral development in young children. Most preschoolers will hit, kick, bite, jump, or yell when they are overwhelmed by emotions. Children act out in an aggressive manner when they feel threatened or frustrated by a problem.

WHY DO PRESCHOOLERS GET AGGRESSIVE?

The most common tantrums that lead up to aggressive behavior in 3-year-olds are

need for your attention,
to gain access to certain toys, activities or foods, or
disagreement with your plans for that moment/follow routine.

The child is still learning how to appropriately express his needs or disagreement and sometimes the need or moment gets bigger than him.

How to control one’s impulses and solve conflicts in a socially acceptable way is still an undeveloped skill in this age group.

Such aggressive behavior, therefore, is normal for 2-4-year-olds. You may notice aggression peaks by age 3 and starts to decrease after age 4. (source)

HOW CAN I HELP MY 3 YEAR OLD WITH AGGRESSION?

Stay calm

The first thing you need to do when your child hits, bites or yells is stay calm. Any reaction from you can motivate the child to keep repeating his actions. At the moment you are setting an example for your child of how one reacts when provoked. Do not join in his chaos, help him understand and learn through you how big emotions are dealt with. Explain calmly, “hands are not for hitting, or I can’t let you hurt your sister/friend.”

Related reading: How to become a calm mother

Remove from the situation

When the child’s actions can pose harm to another child or adult, remove him from the situation. Do not wait until harm is done. At age 3 most children are verbal. You can wait until the child has calmed down or moved on to other things to bring up the subject again and talk about how we handle difficult situations. This is the conversation where you reiterate limits, for example, “hands are not for hitting, no throwing sand on other kids, it can hurt others”.

Stick to your expectations and limits

At age 3 many temper tantrums may be for access to certain privileges like screen time or certain favorite food. When denied the child lashes out in a violent tantrum. At moments like this, it is important for the parent to stay calm, reassuring, and consistent with the set limits.

Reassure your child you care for him and stick to the set expectations. For example: I worry about your eyes that is why I cannot let you watch more T.V.

4. Be realistic about your child’s ability to follow house rules.

Set age-appropriate rules and expectations for your child. A 3-year-old may not be able to complete a task around the house without making a mess. Expect the messes and work around providing more opportunities for independence.

3-year-olds especially are beginning to enjoy the risky play. They are testing the limits of their bodies.

When children are unable to explore tasks independently that pent up frustration comes out as aggression.

Creating safe spaces for exploration and play is important for the child to develop confidence and a healthy emotional state.

Be realistic about qualities such as empathy and sharing.

Many 3-year-olds have not yet developed impulse-control. Therefore sharing or taking turns can create situations of conflict. Even so, the child requires more opportunities to play in groups and learn through observation what sharing looks like.

If your child has a favorite toy that can cause conflict at a play date or at the park, do not bring that toy along.

Three-year-olds will protect their interests when threatened, and may not be willing to share with another child.

When we go for play dates, I make sure to buy a small toy or gift for the other child and ask my son to gift the other child. This simple act of gifting brings him joy and settles him into a happy mood more willing to participate in group play.

Tune in, listen, and learn.

Our job as parents is to shape the world around the child. When the child is throwing aggressive tantrums frequently, it indicates something that’s lacking in his environment. Often the first questions to ask ourselves are

Is our child feeling loved?
Does he get enough time with his parents?
Does he feel threatened by a new situation- the birth of a new sibling? or simply,
Overtired, hungry, or sleepy.

All these situations can bring about aggressive behaviors in three-year-olds. The situations indicate unmet needs and the tantrum a way for the child to express his needs.

Understand the cause of the aggressiveness and take action to change the environment to suit the child. Results are almost always immediate. Solving the root cause of the disturbance yields better results than temporary solutions like offering a treat or distractions like T.V and screens.

Allow the child the freedom to express his feelings. Encourage talk and spend one on one time every day with your child. I know this sounds simple, but our busy lives and routines sometimes do not allow us to spend uninterrupted time with our children. I always felt like I know my child’s heart better when I have spent time with him, he feels more settled around me and I have insight into his challenges that help me help him better.

The days I have been busier at work, the distance between us becomes obvious and sure enough, I start to see cracks in his generally settled behavior.

Over a period of time, I found that one on one time spent with parents is one of the ways to resolve any of the challenging behaviors we face.

AGGRESSION IN 3-YEAR-OLDS – WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR CHILD HITS, BITES, OR GETS ROUGH

How to help an angry child calm down

Name the emotion or describe what happened

As much as is possible try to find out what led to the angry outburst and name the emotion for your child. For example: “You are upset your sister took your blocks”

I find this My Feelings Card Set quite useful in helping children understand and name emotions. It creates awareness about what to expect and how the child can act after a violent episode.

Do not shame the child for expressing violently, but reiterate limits

For example, “Our hands are not for hitting/ I will not let you hurt your sister/ I cannot let you spoil the mattress”(While gently pulling the child away from the situation)

Offer a solution/distraction

Let us build blocks here away from sister/ Move sister away with another toy/ Or offer a similar-looking toy/crayon/block.

Help the child make amends

When the child has hurt another child/adult you can say something like this;”Looks like sister got hurt, let us give her a pat on her arm and comfort her”

Ignore a rough play when possible

Sometimes I ignore rough play if it is happening in a safe space and does not have the potential to cause the child or those around him hurt. I try as much as is possible to bite my tongue and not say anything. Counting to 10 helps me in this case. Most times he gives up his rough play after a few tries.

At this age, a lot of it is the inner desire to experiment with things around him.

If I feel his rough play is going to harm him in some way, I ask him to “Use gentle hands/ Walk slowly/ or I describe the potential harm the object he is playing with can cause so he can understand it better and then distract to another toy/task.

Channel that energy so he can express correctly

Often during a violent tantrum, all the child needs is a way to vent. You can offer a pillow to punch, paper to tear, or color. These activities help the child calm down. I start by punching the pillow myself and showing how I can get that frustration out.

A quick tip: What to say instead of No

One trick that worked for me with my son is to say what I expect as if he already embodies that command. If he is around a baby and engaging in rough play, I will say “You want to show me how you can be gentle when you play with baby”. Or “You are so gentle around the baby.”

These simple positive statements show I trust in him and 90% of the time, he follows through wanting to show me how well he can handle that situation. Sometimes he backs off if he feels he cannot do what I stated. A simple tip that works in many tricky situations instead of saying “No, don’t do this/that.”

To sum it up

Children act out in an aggressive manner when they are fearful, frustrated, or threatened by a certain situation. They want to protect their own interests. Show them how they can without harming others around them.

I hope these tips and tricks help you resolve some of the aggression in your 3-year-olds. Do leave me a comment if you need help with a specific scenario. Until then be the calm to your child’s chaos.

10 Tried And True Tips For Dealing With The Terrible Twos

Ophira9 CommentsMarch 25, 2022August 16, 2019

Read time: 17 minutes

You are probably reading this article as you witness the first changes in your toddler’s behavior and start dealing with the terrible twos. Are you wondering what happened to your baby? And how you can help?

WHY DO THE TERRIBLE TWOS HAPPEN?

First off, let me tell you what you are experiencing is a normal part of child development and the term terrible two’s (one that I personally don’t like to use) is just a period of rapid development.

Your toddler is gaining new skills both motor and language, and this is the first time in his life that he begins to assert independence and test boundaries around him. And as he begins to express himself, emotions also become a part of the picture. He experiences big emotions that he does not yet fully understand.

So at one end, he may be able to express himself and ask for more independence, which is great but this same independence means he now is willing to test the boundaries of his environment and see what else can be explored, something you may not be comfortable with.

Toddlers want to do things on their own but realize they are expected to follow certain rules. The “why” of these rules are not yet clear to them, which can lead to a lot of friction between the parent and the toddler.

If this toddler behavior is normal,

SHOULD YOU IGNORE TODDLER TANTRUMS?

Ignoring your 2-year-olds tantrums will not help the situation.

What message do you think ignoring sends?

That my parents don’t want me to express how I feel, I should bottle up my feelings.

Or worse the child could start feeling abandoned when going through this emotional upheaval which could affect the trust relationship between parent and child in time causing the child to resent his parent.

It is our job as parents to allow a safe space in our home for everyone to voice their feelings, however bad they be and then support and guide our children through this phase.

HOW LONG DO THE TERRIBLE TWOS LAST?

For most toddlers this phase will start around 18 months of age and go on until the age 3 and a little beyond that too.

Many parents don’t even experience these aggressive toddler behaviors during the 2’s, but, start experiencing such behaviors in the 3’s and 4’s.

Rest assured, take it from a mommy of a 5 year old, by the time the kids reach age 4, if you have followed the steps to dealing with the terrible twos I mention here, you will help your child to be able to handle the big feelings and calm down on his own.

BOOKS ON DEALING WITH THE TERRIBLE TWOS

Even before I get into what you can specifically do to deal with the “terrible twos”, I will highly recommend the awesome book written by Joanna Faber & Julie King called, How to Talk so Little kids will listen.

This book will guide you through everyday parenting case studies with specific guidance on what you can say to your child so he will listen to you without much resistance.

I have used so many of the strategies listed in this book; it has been a game-changer in my home and one of the key gentle parenting tools I use.

how to deal with the terrible twos tips for moms

TRIED AND TRUE TIPS FOR DEALING WITH THE TERRIBLE TWOS

Here are 10 tips that can help you better communicate with your toddler and establish a more peaceful home life.

Routine

In a period of rapid development, toddlers crave a certain sameness and consistency. Development wise a lot is happening in these years. Your toddler is learning to walk, talk, develop new fine motor skills and social skills, discover his own likes and dislikes. Basically, your little baby is beginning to grow wings of independence. At times all this new independence can be overwhelming for him.

A consistent routine helps the toddler feel a sense of calm and security. He knows what is expected in the day and feels reassured in the comfort a routine provides.

If you don’t have a routine in place yet, take a few moments and map out all the activities your two years old loves to do in the day. Then plan a daily routine with these activities and other essential daily tasks. Here is a look at our routine at 2 years of age.

Routine for a 2-year-old

7 am-8:30 am Wake up, read books, brush teeth, free play [he chooses what toys to play with. I sit close by with my cup of tea and we play together]

8:30 am-9 am Breakfast

9 am-12:30 pm More free play and on some days a few structured learning activities.
Activities and toys like puzzles, building blocks, vehicles, busy books, kitchen utensils, pretend play, water play, play dough, stickers, and artwork are perfect to engage 2-year-olds.

Here is a list of our favorite toys and books at 2 years of age.

10:30 am-11am Snack

11 am-12:30 pm More free play/reading books/ watch a movie (Sunday is movie day in our home)

12:30 pm-1pm Lunch

1 pm-2 pm Listen to nursery rhymes, tell stories and naptime

2 pm-4 pm Naptime

4 pm-5 pm Snack and free play

5 pm-7 pm Park

7 pm-7:30 pm Dinner

7:30 pm Bath

8 pm-8:30 pm Bedtime routine [brush teeth, read books, tell stories, hugs, cuddles and off to sleep.]

Safe play space

They say a child’s play is his work, and two-year-olds are like busy bees tinkering and exploring all day long. Therefore, it is important to build safe play spaces for your toddler to use and explore.

Instead of being anxious all the time about your two-year-old hurting himself and then passing on that anxiety to your child through too many instructions on how to play, create a safe play area.

Related reading : What to say to your toddler instead of No

Most of your daily struggles with your child will end when you baby proof your home and start giving the toddler the independence to freely move in his space.

If your two year old wants to help you with chores, that is wonderful too. This interest should be welcomed. Your child wants to be part of family life and there is no better life skill you can teach than self-reliance.

Relax your expectations on perfect work and welcome the messes. Buy age-appropriate tools for your two year old to be able to hold and help you around the house so you don’t worry about his safety around adult-sized tools.

Some useful and age-appropriate tools for a 2-year-old are toddler-sized brooms and cleaning sets, and toddler kitchen knives.

Here is a look at some simple toddler chores most 2-year-olds are willing to try.

Stay calm

Coming to the big issue many parents face around 2 years of age. Anger.

Its hard to stay calm when it feels like all your child is doing all day is make life harder for you. But over a period of time, I have realized that a lot of the 2 year old behavior issues stem from the home environment and how much my child is feeling heard.

At age 2 it is still a lot of guesswork for the parents, understanding what exactly is the trigger for defiance and misbehavior like hitting, biting or screaming.

Before you jump the gun and conclude it’s your child fault or question him “why did you throw this?” or “why did you hit your sister?” etc, etc.

Think about what could lead to the child’s reaction. A 2-year-old cannot appropriately express his feelings in words, so him giving you an answer is quite rare. Instead, take a step back and assess what happened in the moment of the reaction yourself.

Once you know the reason you can comfort your child, make him feel safe and then verbalize for him what exactly happened so he starts to connect the dots and understand his emotions better.

For example, say your children are playing close to each other and your two year old was busy coloring. His younger sister comes along and pulls the crayon out of his hand. Your 2-year-old gets upset about being interrupted and losing his crayon and hits his younger sister. What do you do?

You can say, “Our hands are not for hitting. I see you felt bad your sister took your crayon.”

Then offer a solution to his problem “Here is another one for you” or “Let us count to 5 until your sister uses the crayon and take turns.”

In the meantime, let’s say the other child is crying because she got hit, you can showcase to your child how he can make amends and help her feel better.

Say, “Looks like your sister is hurt, let us give her a tap on her hand and comfort her/bring her a toy/ bring a glass of water.” Whatever suits that moment, but a way for him to make amends for his previous actions without shaming him.

If hitting happens consistently in different situations, that is a behavior that needs to be corrected. How do you do this in a positive and helpful way?

You can read books on topics around empathy, and sharing, like this one. I love this book, it has beautiful illustrations and simple examples of how to show more empathy towards others. Most age-appropriate for children in the 2-3 year age group.

Books like, Hands are not for hitting is also another example of bringing in conversation around the behavior. Reading books leads to conversation and sometimes offers you new insight into your child’s behavior. You can use this insight in tweaking your solutions to current challenges.

This was an example of how you handle challenging behavior in your home without resorting to punishments and screaming.

Discipline using scare tactics like yelling and time out does not yield positive results. You can teach nothing by scaring or intimidating your child.

Instead by consistently teaching your child to name emotions and problem solve you help them see the reason why a certain behavior is wrong and how to manage one’s emotions in a constructive manner.

Having an emotional outburst is not wrong, in fact, it is normal and we want our children to know its okay to express. But how to express without causing harm and in a way that we are communicating effectively is what needs teaching.

Once parents start taking on a problem-solving approach many of the misbehaviors begin to disappear and you settle into a calmer family life with fewer tantrums.

This gentle parenting approach has helped us a lot. I would urge you to read these 3 posts to understand how to manage difficult situations better.

How to discipline a 2-year-old without yelling

How you can help with toddler aggression

How to be a Calm Mother

What is Gentle Parenting?

Easy to understand rules

Having rules sets expectations and gives the child certain responsibilities that make life easier for everyone. Do not make a long list of rules for 2-year-olds. Focus on 4-5 rules that give your child a better understanding of how to manage his own tasks.

We have some simple rules that we all follow together as a family, some are beginner-level manners to get him started on proper personal hygiene and others are around managing emotions through communication so it doesn’t escalate into a tantrum.

In the 2’s I only focused on these, and gradually added more in his three’s. It requires consistent work, but at age 3 I already see a lot of improvement in these areas.

Here are the rules we consistently worked on at age 2;

Wash hands and face on entering the home from a trip outside.
Wash hands and face before and after each meal.
Table manners like using cutlery, glasses, no throwing food, keep food you don’t like on the side of the plate instead of throwing.
Use words instead of whining. Every time we are in a cranky or whiny situation we simply remind, “ Use your words please” This encourages our son to speak and articulate what he is feeling and we avoid tantrums.

Limit and replace the use of “no” with more positive instructions or messages.

Examples:

Instead of Don’t touch, Use – Hands to yourself

Instead of No running, Use – Walk with me

Instead of Don’t run, Use – Hold my hands, please

At age 2 simple instructions get the best responses. Two-year-olds don’t need explanations on why safety is important or why certain behavior is bad they need to know what to do instead. More on effective toddler discipline here.

By age 3 you can start giving more information on why we do things a certain way. That’s when they are receptive to the “Why”, right now keep it short and simple.

Consistent Limits

In all things parenting, if you cannot stay consistent you will face challenging behavior. Deciding on your core family values and then consistently working on these values through the daily routine, stories, and conversations is very important.

It’s important that your child’s innate learning and exploration desires are not curtailed but certain limits for safety or managing emotional responses need to be in place. As parents, it is your job to set these limits for your children. This offers a structure that the toddler can fall back on when he feels overwhelmed.

Use play as a tool

One of the easiest ways to get your toddler to listen to you when you are in a rush is to make a game out of the thing you need him to do. We do this most mornings as we dress for school. We put on a 2 min timer and he rushes to dress before the time is up.

Storytelling also works in most cases.

An article I came across recently showcased how traditional Inuit parenting does not use yelling or scolding as a tool to discipline. There are no time outs and no punishments. Instead, the Inuit’s use storytelling and play to discipline.

These are oral stories passed down from one generation of Inuit to the next, designed to sculpt kids’ behaviors at the moment. Sometimes even save their lives.

Storytelling is universal across human cultures. For tens of thousands of years, it has been the tool that parents use to teach children about values and how to behave.

So the next time you are in a verbal deadlock with your child and wondering how to get him to listen, spin out a story about that situation and watch him follow along.

Here is an example of how I use storytelling to get my toddler to brush his teeth happily every day.

Praise the good behavior you notice

All this talk about the terrible twos might make you focus on the areas that need work. This does not mean you ignore the times the toddler actually does things the expected way. Give him a little encouragement with your words,

Example: “I see you put your toys back. Now we have a clean space for tomorrow”.

Set the expectations

This works for certain day to day activities or when you need to travel or socialize with your child.

Give the child a heads up of what is expected from the situation and prepare him mentally. This reduces possible stranger anxiety or tantrums.

Need to leave in 15 mins for the park and your 2-year-old is busy with a puzzle?

Give him a heads up. “We have 10 mins to play, and we are done, off to park for us”.

5 mins later give another heads up. In most cases, the child wraps up his game on his own and the entire situation moves along with ease.

How we talk and prepare the child for different situations they will encounter is key to a happy and settled child at the moment.

Whenever you are visiting a new place/party, or a new set of people talk to the child beforehand about what to expect. Give him an idea of what will happen, who he will meet and how you will be interacting (includes social nicety).

When you arrive at the new setting allow your child to take his time to adjust. There is no rush to be social. The child is observing you as you socialize and connecting the dots between what you mentioned about this day and what is happening at the moment.

Give him time to go through the moment on his own. If he does not want to interact, do not force him. No need to force the child to say hello or thank you.

If he finds the new situation overwhelming take a breather and go outside for a moment. Mention to your hosts, “he needs a little more time, once he is ready he will join us”. Most importantly let him know you are there for him, helping him with this new situation.

Continue modeling the behavior you expect from your child. Definitely, do not stop socializing because of a stray event where your child was overwhelmed. And most importantly do not make your child feel guilty by scolding him about his shyness.

Related reading : How to handle toddler stranger anxiety.

Managing emotions through messy play

Messy play or sensory play as we call it uses all the senses: sight, sound, touch, smell, and taste. This type of play allows a toddler to be able to identify what they are playing with more deeply and better than just seeing things.

Sensory play allows the child to work out where he ends and where the world begins. How the world around him feels and is different from him.

It allows children to develop a more expressive language as they grow. The more they touch and feel the more they understand about the world they are living in.

Sensory play also allows the child to calm down. This is why it can be used as a tool to teach emotional regulation to younger kids. Read here to learn more about the benefits of sensory play for kids.

Some really simple sensory play ideas

Play with dough

Water play

Build a sensory bin

Kinetic sand

Read here for more sensory play ideas

One of the reasons I am a strong proponent of baby-led weaning too is for this very reason. Getting messy is important for a child’s development.

The more a child explores his food through touch, taste and smells the better his language skills. Better language skills mean you can better understand your child and help him with any unpleasant emotional state.

Here is the post I wrote on why it is important for little children to self-feed and get messy when they eat.

Plan activities

Plan all activities keeping the toddler’s current state in mind. No child is going to be able to follow along when he is thirsty, hungry or tired. When you build a routine plan your activities considering these constraints and you won’t have a meltdown.

I understand sometimes it’s not possible to avoid certain social meetings or appointments just because it’s your toddler’s nap time. In such a situation brace your self and hope for the best.

We all had toddlers throwing a tantrum in the wrong place at the wrong time, make a joke about it and try to ease the stress of those around you in that situation.

Hopefully, there are not going to be too many such instances so we just breathe through it.

In the end, all I want you to remember in those tough moments is that this is just a phase, terrible twos is part of normal 2 year old behavior and soon your kids will be learning how to regulate their emotions better and express their feelings to you.

Stay strong until then mama, and give your child all the love he needs as he navigates this phase in development.

I hope all the tips listed here help you in some way in your motherhood journey. Let me know in the comments below some of the challenges you face when dealing with the terrible two’s and we can problem-solve together.

How To Be A Calm Parent : Gentle Parenting Techniques

Ophira22 CommentsOctober 11, 2022July 17, 2018

Read time: 13 minutes

Once kids enter toddler years most parents struggle to keep their sanity. Toddler years are not easy, to say the least. You may wonder, ‘How to be a calm parent?’, when in the midst of temper tantrums and control issues.

I too had my share of times when I felt like I was about to lose it. Situations may vary from family to family, but the anger triggers are almost always the same – Tiredness and Sleep Deprivation. No parent wants to be the monster in their child’s life. We don’t yell and scream intentionally.

We just lose ourselves in the moment and think there is no other way to control the situation than yelling and screaming. So, ‘how to stop being an angry mom?’

Before we get to the steps to help you create a calmer home, there is a big point that needs to be covered.

KNOW YOUR TRIGGERS: A START TOWARDS PEACEFUL PARENTING

Take a moment to analyze the circumstances the last time you yelled or felt defeated by your child. Were you tired? Were you sleep deprived? had a bad day?

Once you know your anger triggers, take steps to address the core problem first. If you are feeling tired or sleep deprived – ask your partner or a close relative to help you out so you can get some rest, feel fresh and get back in again.

Every parent needs a time out from parenting. Its natural to get burned out if you are trying to do everything single-handedly.

HERE ARE 11 STEPS TO BECOMING A CALM PARENT

Change in perspective

The first change that needs to happen is a change in your perspective of life. Everything is not happening to you. As your children grow there are different milestones they will cover that require special attention and guidance. These fluctuations in your child’s behavior and habits do not reflect on you.

Your job as a parent is to stop taking your child’s growth and development too personally. All kids yell, scream and test boundaries. Continue with consistent messaging and calm approach to tackle your child’s needs.

Related reading: How to get your toddler to listen without yelling

Prepare for success

As I mentioned in the point above; tiredness, lack of sleep are all triggers to an angry meltdown. Children are going to be challenging. It’s our emotional and mental wellbeing that triggers the anger. Once you know potential anger triggers, plan ways to avoid or cope with them.

Here are a few ways to control your temper and avoid an angry meltdown;

If you have a busy day ahead, go to bed early the night prior.
Don’t plan any socialization when you or your kids are tired.
Cut down on activities if you feel the schedule is too busy and weighing you down. Sometimes unstructured time is also needed to help unwind and feel connected with your kids.

Another important point worth mentioning, is building the right type of support system suited to your family situation.

Since my husband travels extensively for work and is unavailable to parent with me for a large part of the month, the first decision I took once my son was a toddler and I was ready to return to work was hire a caretaker for a few hours each day.

The solution may look different for each family, but the simple truth is that it helps to have some sort of a support system to help raise our kids, motherhood is not about being a supermom.

You can take help from your spouse, or either of your parents, or choose a daycare/nanny. Whatever works for your situation.

Raising children truly does require a village, we do many young mothers disservice by having them believe that they need to do it all. Look after their kids, cook meals, clean and work. Its impossible to juggle everything all at once and not loose your calm.

We should not feel ashamed to ask for help, especially during those early growing up years of our children lives.

Time blocking

Time blocking is a method of allocating a set period of time to tasks and completing them with a complete focus in that specified amount of time.

If you are a work from home mom like me this can help you stay productive throughout the day.

I divide my time throughout the day between big important tasks and smaller unimportant tasks. Activities that require most amounts of focus need to be done in a dedicated ‘do not disturb’ time block.

You can schedule such quiet complete focus time slots around your kid’s naps or hire help/send kids to daycare, so you get dedicated work done.

Easier activities that require less attention can be done in small 20 minute windows for eg, while waiting at a doctors office, waiting while food cooks or while traveling.

I use such mundane time slots of the day to reply back to non-urgent emails or reading up and researching information or creating a draft of a blog post in the notes app on my phone.

I use a weekly planner and list out my time blocks for the week. I plan the week on a Sunday so I know what to expect each day with one glance at the weekly planner. Having a weekly planner also helps stay on track and motivated since you are looking at tasks over a period of one week instead of a day.

Here is a post I wrote recently on my productivity tips as a work from home mom, juggling my time between my son and work.

Be present

Take a breather from the frantic pace of life and be present. Sometimes it’s nice to just put the phone away and truly appreciate your child as he plays. I keep early mornings and evening bedtime routine dedicated to mom and son time.

When my husband is home both of us keep our phones away and spend quality time with our son. No distractions.

There are days I need to use the phone or laptop even at night to meet some deadlines, but I try and keep those to a few limited instances.

Having alone time with my son helps me connect with him, understand his needs better, in turn, making me confident in my abilities as a mom. Just the feeling of bonding with my son gives confidence. This confidence comes in handy when I am facing testing situations.

You use your insight into your child’s behavior to provide creative solutions and avoid another yelling spree.

We yell and scream when we feel we are not heard. When you spend one on one time with your child you learn about him and these learnings help you make him feel more loved and heard. Yelling and screaming is always a call for attention, for more love and time.

Set structure

The key to a calmer home is to have a certain structure to the day.

Having a consistent routine for the day helps your child know what is expected of him.

This helps him move along the day in a calmer manner too. In fact, most young children love a routine that includes their favorite activities and happily comply. Think of 4-5 activities your child loves and structure the day strategically placing these activities to best suit your energy levels. This works very well for me.

My son loves reading, water play, park time and kitchen based pretend play.

And a routine that keeps me energetic throughout the day is one that starts slow, picks up the pace and then ends slow. So I divide his favorite activities to match my energy levels throughout the day. This way both of us get what we want and there are few tears and disagreements.

A routine of a 2-year-old

6-7 am Read books and a snack

7-9 am Brush teeth then free play [he chooses what toys to play with. I sit close by with my cup of tea and we talk, read books and play together]

9 am Breakfast

10-12:30 am More free play. At age 2 he plays with puzzles, building blocks, vehicles, busy books, kitchen utensils, pretend play, water play, play dough, stickers and craft activities. [this is the intense part of the day, our nanny takes over at this point and I get some work and cooking done.]

12:30-1 pm Lunch

1-2 pm Listen to nursery rhymes, tell stories and naptime

2-4 pm Naptime

4-5 pm Snack and free play

5-7 pm Park

7-7:30 pm Dinner

7:30 pm Bath

8-9 pm Bedtime routine [brush teeth, read books, tell stories, hugs, and cuddles. Stay inside the bedroom in order for your child to know its bedtime.]

Now, the time slots may vary depending on the day (for example, when he is teething, bedtime gets pushed to even later), but overall this is how our day flows. My aim is to have him in bed for the night by 9 pm latest. And most days he falls off to sleep between 8:30 pm to 9 pm. This structure allows me some time for myself and for my husband.

Having alone time is important for a mother’s mental wellbeing, in turn, making her a calmer mom.

Are you struggling with setting a solid routine? Try the Family Routines e-course by Pulling Curls. Hilary is a working mom of 3 and her course gives new mothers insight into how veteran moms like her are maintaining a thriving family life with less mom guilt. This course helps you,

Enjoy daily tasks, while teaching kids life skills
Stop the guilt from not accomplishing as much as you want
Feel great about what you ARE getting done
Leave more “margins” in your day, to be able to tackle the unexpected easier

Finding the right routine that suits your family is the start to a peaceful parenting life.

Set limits & house rules

When children enter toddler years the need for limits and house rules is very important. These are important for your sanity.

Most parents lose their cool trying to keep the child safe and away from harm. Why not set limits and house rules to get them used to stay safe indoors. Some examples of house rules are things like;

Designated safe play areas in the house
Designated spot or chair for feeding
Rules for play (when the family has more than one kid; explain gentle touch and how one child can ask for a toy from another)
Baby safe home (grills on windows, safety locks on fridge doors and cabinets, slip-proof bathroom mats, safety nets around pool areas, learn how we created a baby-safe home in my post on baby-proofing the house.)
Set time for meals.

Carve out self only time

I already spoke about carving out time just for yourself in the day in my blog post on creating a self-care routine. Self-only time helps stay refreshed and energized.

I notice I am less frustrated and irritable on days I have spent some time doing something just for myself. Investing some time for yourself also makes you more enthusiastic about doing more for your kids.

The more you pour in your glass the more you can pour out for others.

Dedicate family time

Family time in a family with a traveling spouse is rare. But the first instance we get; we spend time together in some family activity. Either visit a local nature park or go to the museum. Anything to get out of the house and spend some quality time together. This keeps all our spirits high and sets a calmer mood for 2-3 days after.

Spending time together as a family is also important for young children to develop positive self-esteem. Your child becomes a more confident and happier baby knowing mommy and daddy care about his needs and want to spend time doing things that interest him.

Here is a blog post I wrote recently on how I brought the fun back into parenting, with my tips and ideas on how to be a more fun mom.

Ask someone to care for you

When you are constantly caring for others in your life, there is bound to be some burnout. At such times even a self-care routine won’t do it for you.

I regularly ask my parents to help with my son or my mom/hubby to cook me meals. This gives me a break from the monotony of everyday tasks and I find myself a happier person when I feel cared for.

This sounds simple but believe me, we forget about this in our daily routine. If you don’t have a family nearby to help; ask hubby to pamper you sometime or hire services that do certain tasks like cooking and delivering fresh food just to give you a break.

Night routine

The way you end the day is as important as the day itself.

Write about your day in a journal. Journaling helps with goal setting, learning from the day and motivates you to do more in your life.

Use night time to include your favorite self-care activities.

Add a 5-minute prayer to your routine. Having gratitude for all your blessings in life has a calming effect on the mind and reminds you of what’s important. Avoid screens before bedtime and go straight to bed.

11. Planning personal and professional goals

I don’t know about you, but I am the type of person who will immediately calm down once I figure out a way to navigate the day aka ‘plan my day’. I like to have daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly plans for my personal and professional life. This helps me feel less anxious and stay calm in the midst of daily family chaos.

I already spoke about the importance of journaling in the previous point. When you know you are headed in a particular direction you work towards it with focus and determination.

All these seemingly simple steps make you a calm parent. I won’t be surprised if more than half the moms who read this don’t include these steps in their daily routine and feel guilty about yelling and being angry parents.

My friend Shailaja from Diary of a doting mom talks about her experience of moving from an angry to a calm mom on her blog. Her journey through peaceful parenting has learnings for all of us.

Calmness comes from within, it is not external. So we need to work on coping with triggers in order to be a calm parent. It is not easy following gentle parenting principles on a day-to-day basis. Many think of gentle parenting as permissive parenting, but this could not be further from the truth.

Parenting requires a lot of practice and creativity. But it’s not impossible either. The more you practice calmness and creativity when parenting, the easier it becomes.

What strategies do you employ to maintain calm in a stressful situation? Do leave me a comment below on your experience with peaceful parenting.

How To Deal With Toddler Tantrums: A Gentle Parenting Approach

Ophira11 CommentsMay 3, 2022January 23, 2018

Read time: 8 minutes

Toddler Tantrums; they just seem to sneak into your lovely baby as they get closer to 2 years of age.

Yes, I’m talking about those loud screeching noises in public and at home, where your toddler seems almost possessed. Your sweet little baby seems to have lost all his senses and is crying out loud, not caring about who is watching. The worst part is that the reason they are doing this is probably very trivial or sometimes it might not be anything at all.

It’s exhausting, makes you angry, leaves you baffled and clueless as to what to do in a situation like this when your child is just not listening to you.

At times it’s not even possible to pick them up because your hands are full, and you have no option but to let them go through those emotions and wait for them to settle, or worse you have to drag them out of the place. This has happened to me a couple of times when I have my baby in my arms and my toddler is going through some difficult emotions in public.

It’s tough momma, and I’m with you on this one, but it’s very important to also understand why is your mostly sweet baby throwing those tantrums.

This age of 1- 3 yrs is probably the most developmentally challenging for their brain. It takes a lot more stimulus than it can handle. Plus, they don’t know how to control their impulses and get overstimulated and tired and hangry (hungry + angry) out of the schedule. It’s tough on them too.

Why does your child get these bursts of tough emotions aka toddler tantrums?

Put in simple words, kids mostly throw tantrums when they are told NO to something they are doing, or they want, or leave a place that is fun.

When they are babies; they’re very dependent on you, but when they get to the age they can walk around, feed themselves, and speak a few words to express their thoughts they think they know it all.

They want to do everything by themselves, make all their own decisions, even the ones they’re not ready for, so when we tell them they can’t do something, it makes them angry and frustrated and it only increases because they can’t express this to you. Hence, the emotional meltdowns aka toddler tantrums.

Toddlers are in the fun age, where they know what kind of things they like to do. So they want to keep doing it, they don’t yet understand the concept of coming back to the thing they are liking to do. For them when you ask them to leave something or place, it’s like forever.

Even when you tell them you can come back, or you can do this tomorrow morning, or we’ll buy this later all that falls on deaf ears; because their panic response kicks in as soon as they sense the answer is going to be around NO or CAN’T. Their brain shuts down, they have a gush of emotions, they’re not in a stage to listen anymore. It’s very quick.

As the age progresses sometimes kids add harsh and hurtful words to their meltdowns; like “I want to be with daddy; I don’t like you” or vice versa. They are not being mean on purpose; they’re just feeling even more independent than a few months back with added vocabulary, but are still not there yet developmentally, so they throw in such words. This article about, What to do when kids say mean things will help you put things into the right perspective.

What to do to prevent a toddler tantrum from happening?

So we need to be smart. The way to beat this cycle is; you have to connect yourself with them before you cut their connection with the thing they are enjoying.

Ideally, you should get down to their level; acknowledge that they’re having a good time with this thing, and it’s so cool and fun. And break it to them that this needs to stop because we have to move on the next agenda of the day, be it mealtime, bedtime, or leave the place and go home. Even when they want you to buy something but you can’t buy it; you need to first acknowledge that’s cool and fun, but we can’t get it right now.

This is not like a quick to work or fool-proof method, you are still going to get some push backs, but it’s an honest approach, and your child is going to feel heard.

That connection is going to go a very long way with you. Your child is going to listen to you more often, and eventually, it’ll be easier for them to leave those things behind, they’ll be more understanding and trusting in you. Because they are genuinely being heard.

You are the most important person in your child’s life; they value you the most more than any object or place, and when you make an honest connection with them, they’re so receptive and responding to it.

On the other hand, if you try to make it a power struggle where you tell them they can’t do it, why they can’t do it, how they can do it another time, while they are already having a meltdown, or try to tell this to them in a more commanding manner so they listen to you, or you threaten them to never come back to this place, if the child behaves this way; it is not going to work. Because they are going to feel threatened, and all their senses are going to shut down and they’ll go into an even more panic mode.

Yes, these sound like big words; but your child goes through big feelings when we yell at them at a sensitive time.

What to do when a toddler tantrum is already in progress?

The only thing that is going to work when the meltdown has already happened is patience and trust. If they’re going through tough emotions; you’ll have to wait for them to go through them. They’re currently reacting out of feelings and feelings only need to be heard and just that.

I usually sit with them when they are going through big feelings; watch them, as to what do they want to do, if they would like a hug, or they just want to stay close. Every child is different, both my kids want different things when they are upset.

As the kids get older between 2- 4 yrs of age; the meltdowns seem to get longer; and it really gets overwhelming for everyone in the family, including the parents and younger siblings.

At Home: So if you’re at home when the child is having a meltdown; stay with them for some time. But if it lasts longer than you can manage; tell them that, you’re going to pick them up and help them find a safe spot like a couch or a chair or bed and let them go through their feelings.

Tell them to come to you when they feel better and that you’re waiting for it. But, it’s still important to acknowledge their feelings and emotions as they begin and stay with them at least for some time so that the child does not feel neglected and abandoned when they’re upset.

In Public: In public, I do the same, acknowledge his feelings, and tell him that we need to leave the place because this makes a lot of people uncomfortable, and I pick them up and leave, or find a safe spot.

You need to trust your child that they’re not doing anything to manipulate you; they’re not doing anything intentionally to make you mad; no matter how much this looks like it, it’s not true not with any child. The reason why kids behave the way they do is that they’re suffering themselves. What may seem trivial to us, is actually a big deal for kids.