gentle parenting

School-age children require skills to work in groups and with that comes learning how to navigate group dynamics and being able to assert for yourself rather than be overly dominant or meek.

At home, we’ve been figuring out what looks like a balanced approach to getting our point across when there are differing views on a subject. I’ve seen an interesting journey unfold as my son learns first-hand how to navigate these experiences independently without me there coaching on effective communication. 

I am glad he is getting the opportunity to learn how to voice his opinions without hurting another’s feelings. It can be quite hard for an 8-year-old, but he has made a genuine effort to communicate effectively.

Learn more about aggression in children in this post.

Here are 3 phrases I taught my child to use when he wants to disagree with a classmate or friend, but do so respectfully.

PHRASES TO TEACH YOUR CHILD TO DISAGREE RESPECTFULLY

1. I don’t agree because,

Tell your child to start by plainly stating what point they disagree on. If the matter is resolved at this stage that’s a job well done being assertive.

2. I understand your point, here is another way to look at it.

Sometimes the child may need to use more persuasion to get his point across. This phrase is a great way to do so without finding fault in another’s ideas. It is more of a gentle nudge to the opposite person to look at things differently.

3. We have different opinions on this, so let us find a way to work together.

At other times maybe each child likes their idea or each idea has its merit, in this case, trying to find common ground or a way to represent each other’s ideas effectively may be a great option.

I always encourage my son to stick to the subject of discussion and not veer off topic and make mean jabs at a person’s character traits or resort to calling names. 

This is quite common in school-age children who are figuring out how to communicate and get their points across in a group.

It’s natural to feel defensive about your idea but important to understand that it does not come at the cost of hurting another’s feelings.

When things don’t seem to work through discussion its best to teach your child to, “agree to disagree.”

Learning when to give in to the group’s demands and when to pursue your vision and bring everyone on board is a key life skill. It requires lots of practice.

So the next time your child comes home with complaints about not getting an opportunity to present their views in a group, or if your child feels anxious or nervous about highlighting their points in a group, coach them on to use these phrases.

Enact possible scenarios with prompts on how they can present ideas and disagree respectfully.

You can even start by reminding your child to use these phrases at home when they disagree with you. This way they learn to communicate effectively and respectfully.

Hope you found the ideas in this post useful. Let me know in the comments below how you are navigating disagreements with school-age children. 

For more on gentle parenting read here.

Want to know the secret recipe to raising a future happy and content adult? A happy child.

Now hear me out,

Happiness does not mean a constant high of emotions. To achieve true satisfaction and a sense of contentment in life, it’s important to acknowledge that experiencing a range of emotions, including sadness or frustration, is a normal part of life. Teaching children to be content with life involves fostering resilience, gratitude, and emotional intelligence. 

Children who learn these skills early in life can handle life’s stressors and move on quickly from bumps in the road.

So how to raise such happy children? Well, read on.

HOW TO RAISE HAPPY CHILDREN

1. Strong attachment

A secure attachment early in life allows children to explore, learn, and build resilience. Research now shows how children with strong attachments growing up had better mental outcomes and success later in life

2. Emotional coaching

Create a safe space for your child to express their emotions openly. Let them know that it’s okay to feel a range of emotions and that you are there to support them. By acknowledging and validating their feelings, you help them build emotional intelligence and resilience for life.


To understand how to coach children on emotional expression read this post.

3. Teach gratitude

Instill a sense of gratitude by regularly expressing thanks for the positive aspects of life. Encourage your child to focus on what they have rather than what they lack. Simple practices like keeping a gratitude journal, or a gratitude jar, or discussing daily highlights during family meals/bedtime can reinforce a positive mindset.


4. Set realistic expectations

Help children understand that life is filled with ups and downs. Teach them that it’s unrealistic to expect constant happiness, but they can learn to navigate challenges with a positive attitude. Discussing setbacks as opportunities for growth can contribute to a more resilient mindset. Read this post to understand what you can say when your child feels defeated and dejected.

5. Cultivate internal motivation

Another way to build resilience in children for life is to cultivate internal motivation to learn and do things over-reliance on rewards or other external factors. This post takes you on a deep dive into how exactly you can build intrinsic motivation in children from a young age to help them lead more resilient and happier lives.

6. Promote problem solving

Teach children how to approach challenges by breaking them down into smaller, manageable steps. Problem-solving skills empower children to address difficulties proactively, fostering a sense of control and confidence.


7. Encourage hobbies and passion

Support your child in exploring and developing their interests. Engaging in activities they love provides a sense of purpose and fulfillment, contributing to overall contentment.


8. Model contentment

Children often learn by observing their parents. Demonstrate contentment in your own life by managing stress effectively, practicing gratitude, and approaching challenges with a positive attitude. Your behavior sets a powerful example for your child.
 As the saying goes, “Monkey see, monkey do.”

9. Limit comparisons

Discourage unhealthy comparisons with others. Emphasize that everyone’s journey is unique, and success or happiness can be defined in various ways. Teach your child to appreciate their strengths and progress rather than looking at what another’s life trajectory looks like.


10. Promote a healthy lifestyle

Physical well-being is closely linked to mental health. Encourage a balanced diet, regular exercise, and sufficient sleep. A healthy lifestyle contributes to overall well-being and can positively impact a child’s mood.


11. Cultivate positive relationships

Foster strong connections within the family and encourage positive friendships. Healthy relationships provide emotional support and create a sense of belonging, contributing to a child’s overall happiness.


12. Celebrate achievements, big and small

Acknowledge and celebrate your child’s achievements, whether they are big milestones or small victories. Positive reinforcement boosts self-esteem and helps children feel a sense of accomplishment.


For more on how to handle situations when your child is upset and boost their morale read here.

Some will say that ultimately it is the child’s nature that decides if they can be a happy person. While genetics does have a role to play in some of our inherent character traits, happiness and a generally positive outlook on life can be cultivated from an early age through positive relationships with parents and the environment the child is in.

Remember that teaching contentment is an ongoing process. By providing guidance, support, and a positive environment, you can raise happy children with the right skills and mindset necessary for a more content and fulfilling life.

It is important that we set children in a positive routine around learning from early on so that homework time is viewed by the child as another engaging activity instead of a cumbersome chore.

When homework is thoughtfully assigned it helps the child recap all the information learned at school and also gives the child an opportunity to deeply engage with the subject and study material.

For an overall smooth experience for the parent and child, discuss with the school at the time of selecting the school their homework policies, and learning philosophy.

This is an important aspect when choosing the right school for your child and helps you start on the right foot from the beginning.

Also read: How to set up a peaceful morning routine before school.

HOW TO HELP YOUR CHILD WITH HOMEWORK WITHOUT DOING IT FOR THEM

1. Get acquainted with the school homework policies. – As I mentioned above discuss homework policies with the school, understand the school’s expectations, and what exactly the teachers are looking for with regards to learning goals for the children.
2. Set up a quiet study space at home.
3. Decide on a regular time for study. – Depending on the school’s homework schedule decide on an appropriate homework routine. At present, we sit down twice a week for about 15-30 minutes at a time to quickly revise and go through concepts covered in school. For younger children don’t expect more than 15-20 minutes of focused attention at a time. As the child gets older and study increases you can increase homework time to 1 hour daily.
4. Keep stationary ready and easy to access.
5. Encourage the child to work independently. – Some of the first skills to teach young children are, how to organize their books, set up the study table, and read time. Give the child a choice on what homework they would like to tackle first, and allow them space to complete their tasks independently without much interference from your side.
6. Be available to help with doubts. – Always choose a time for homework when you know you can also be available to help with doubts. If you are busy it will lead to a stressed-out homework-related interaction which will create a negative experience for the child.
7. Praise the child’s efforts. Praise should be focused on the effort put in and on the learning process rather than the results. In the long run, children who learn to focus on the process rather than getting the right answers will end up being more interested in learning and engaging with challenging subjects. These internal motivation skills need to be encouraged from an early age and require a lot of support at the family level for the child to develop. Use homework as an opportunity to guide children to develop these crucial learning skills rather than pressuring them about set goals. 

When parents set up a positive learning environment at home, homework becomes interesting and a useful aid to learning instead of it being another cumbersome activity.

Learn here about child-led learning, and how it works.

Hope these tips help your child with homework and give you the confidence you need to guide your child.

How do you help your child with homework every day? Got any interesting tips for us? Leave us a comment below.

Feature image by Olia Danilevich from Pexels.

Have you ever wondered why moms get angry so easily? What about our child’s behavior triggers the inner momster?

Well, there are many anger triggers that can cause mom rage. But, if you think that you can never stop being an angry mom, you are wrong.

We can change many of these behavior patterns and generations of hard-wired thinking through conscious steps and inner work. 

Mom rage doesn’t just appear out of nowhere. There are many tiny moments or triggers that lead to that explosive moment. 

The following could be one of the real reasons behind your anger in the moment. When you feel triggered by your child’s behavior take a moment and ask your yourself, why am I feeling angry?

MOTHERHOOD ANGER TRIGGERS? THE REAL REASON WHY MOMS ARE SO ANGRY.

Most probably;

1. You have unmet needs at that moment.

You are tired, sleepy, hungry, or thirsty. Many mothers forget to care about their own basic needs as they care for the family which leads to growing exhaustion and short temper.

Take a moment to identify if the anger is coming because your cup is not full. No parent can talk calmly with a child when running on low. Feed yourself, go drink that glass of water, put on some cartoons for the child, and take a nap.

• You are already stressed in the moment. 

Some days are rough, there is a lot going on and events are happening one on top of the other. At such a time it is easy to lose control and go on a yelling spree.

• The child’s behavior triggers a trauma response. 

Sometimes traumas from our own childhood trigger an angry response in the moment. You may be conditioned to view certain behaviors as good or bad. Such behaviors may have been the ones you got yelled at as a child. Or maybe your own feelings as a child were minimized in a similar situation and you don’t really feel equipped to handle the same now with your child.

Many of us may need to undergo a certain amount of reparenting of our own inner child in order to be better parents for our children.

• You feel like an incompetent parent.

Parenting is a constantly evolving life situation which means there will be times you feel like an incompetent parent. Just remember that children don’t need a perfect parent who has it all figured out every time. It is okay to feel like you are lacking knowledge in some aspects and go into the situation with a curious mind. Focus on connecting with your child and striving to learn more instead of perfection.

• You feel embarrassed by your child’s behavior. 

Some parents feel embarrassed by their child’s behaviors in public which can lead to an angry response. Once again this goes back to what was expected from you as a child and is not necessarily your child’s fault. 

Children will act in a way that they know as appropriate with the limited life experience and capabilities they have. As a parent being aware of our child’s growing up process and developmental stages can help us change our own perception of the child’s behavior.

 The same actions that once made your blood boil and threw you into an angry fit of your own will now make you feel empathetic towards your child and help you connect and resolve the situation.

Related reading: When do the terrible twos end and what comes after?

• You are not aware about age-appropriate expectations from children.

This brings me to expectations. A lot of our own emotions can be managed if we learn to manage our expectations. Are you expecting a 2-year-old to eat or play without making a mess? That is not going to happen. 2-year-olds don’t yet have the motor capabilities to complete tasks with finesse. 

Here is a blog I wrote on age-appropriate expectations from children that will guide you on this topic.

• You feel disrespected and insulted. 

We are conditioned to believe that children should act a certain way to be good children. This goes back to what we have been led to believe about good/bad behaviors. You take your child’s behavior personally. But let me tell you all the so-called bad behaviors are a signal to distress the child is feeling within himself or in his environment. 

A child’s behavior is also his way of communicating with you. The child is not manipulating or disrespectful, he/she is simply trying his best to communicate with the resources he has within him.

Once we get this, we can help our children communicate feelings better, comfort when they are upset, and even gain their cooperation without any resistance.

Related reading: How to get your child to listen without yelling

• You expected behavior to get better in time. 

Okay, another common complaint I hear from parents who are practicing gentle parenting at home is, “I expected things to get better by now.” I help my child name the emotion and use regulating strategies when he is angry, why is my child still throwing tantrums?” I cannot go on like this, I am losing my patience.

I get it. You took the time and effort to read up about toddler behaviors and implement gentle parenting practices in your day-to-day, but, you start expecting changes immediately.

When you don’t see the changes, you question your parenting. All of this creates uncertainty which leads to anger in a challenging situation with the child.

We need to understand that parenting is not about behavior patrol. An environment at home that consistently seeks connection and solution-seeking rather than correction and punishments and rewards ultimately leads to an understanding between parent and child. The child too knows, these are my humans, they will be there for me.

Gentle parenting when you don’t feel okay yourself is hard, give yourself grace for any missteps but keep on moving on the path of love. Our children learn to trust in adults who are there for them consistently, adults who say, I am listening, and don’t shut their feelings down. 

HOW TO BE A CALM MOM?

Only once you know why you feel angry can you help yourself overcome it. Start journaling these triggers over a period of time and check for patterns.

Ask yourself,

Are you getting the help you need?

Are you conditioned to think of some behaviors as good and bad? 

Maybe you are not yet feeling sure about the parenting style you have adopted.

One of the first steps we take when we start to parent consciously is to analyze our own childhood, the traumas we carry from the past, and how that shapes us as parents today. 

This process looks different for each of us because no two of us have the same life experiences. But the ultimate end result is the same, we break free from generational traumas and gift our children a sense of their own being in this world.

Inner child work aside when changing our bad habits in this case anger, reflecting and recognizing why these behaviors show up in the moment is key.

Each of these triggers can be resolved over time with self-work. Just as our children were not born perfect neither were we. Parenting is a process; we make mistakes and we learn. 

Now that we know why do moms get so angry, in the next post we will learn about ways to stay calm even when triggered.

Until then, tell me how do you recenter in a moment of crisis?