Have you ever wondered why moms get angry so easily? What about our child’s behavior triggers the inner momster?
Well, there are many anger triggers that can cause mom rage. But, if you think that you can never stop being an angry mom, you are wrong.
We can change many of these behavior patterns and generations of hard-wired thinking through conscious steps and inner work.
Mom rage doesn’t just appear out of nowhere. There are many tiny moments or triggers that lead to that explosive moment.
The following could be one of the real reasons behind your anger in the moment. When you feel triggered by your child’s behavior take a moment and ask your yourself, why am I feeling angry?
MOTHERHOOD ANGER TRIGGERS? THE REAL REASON WHY MOMS ARE SO ANGRY.
- You have unmet needs at that moment.
You are tired, sleepy, hungry, or thirsty. Many mothers forget to care about their own basic needs as they care for the family which leads to growing exhaustion and short temper.
Take a moment to identify if the anger is coming because your cup is not full. No parent can talk calmly with a child when running on low. Feed yourself, go drink that glass of water, put on some cartoons for the child, and take a nap.
- You are already stressed in the moment.
Some days are rough, there is a lot going on and events are happening one on top of the other. At such a time it is easy to lose control and go on a yelling spree.
- The child’s behavior triggers a trauma response.
Sometimes traumas from our own childhood trigger an angry response in the moment. You may be conditioned to view certain behaviors as good or bad. Such behaviors may have been the ones you got yelled at as a child. Or maybe your own feelings as a child were minimized in a similar situation and you don’t really feel equipped to handle the same now with your child.
Many of us may need to undergo a certain amount of reparenting of our own inner child in order to be better parents for our children.
- You feel like an incompetent parent.
Parenting is a constantly evolving life situation which means there will be times you feel like an incompetent parent. Just remember that children don’t need a perfect parent who has it all figured out every time. It is okay to feel like you are lacking knowledge in some aspects and go into the situation with a curious mind. Focus on connecting with your child and striving to learn more instead of perfection.
- You feel embarrassed by your child’s behavior.
Some parents feel embarrassed by their child’s behaviors in public which can lead to an angry response. Once again this goes back to what was expected from you as a child and is not necessarily your child’s fault.
Children will act in a way that they know as appropriate with the limited life experience and capabilities they have. As a parent being aware of our child’s growing up process and developmental stages can help us change our own perception of the child’s behavior.
The same actions that once made your blood boil and threw you into an angry fit of your own will now make you feel empathetic towards your child and help you connect and resolve the situation.
Related reading: When do the terrible twos end and what comes after?
- You are not aware about age-appropriate expectations from children.
This brings me to expectations. A lot of our own emotions can be managed if we learn to manage our expectations. Are you expecting a 2-year-old to eat or play without making a mess? That is not going to happen. 2-year-olds don’t yet have the motor capabilities to complete tasks with finesse.
Here is a blog I wrote on age-appropriate expectations from children that will guide you on this topic.
- You feel disrespected and insulted.
We are conditioned to believe that children should act a certain way to be good children. This goes back to what we have been led to believe about good/bad behaviors. You take your child’s behavior personally. But let me tell you all the so-called bad behaviors are a signal to distress the child is feeling within himself or in his environment.
A child’s behavior is also his way of communicating with you. The child is not manipulating or disrespectful, he/she is simply trying his best to communicate with the resources he has within him.
Once we get this, we can help our children communicate feelings better, comfort when they are upset, and even gain their cooperation without any resistance.
Related reading: How to get your child to listen without yelling
- You expected behavior to get better in time.
Okay, another common complaint I hear from parents who are practicing gentle parenting at home is, “I expected things to get better by now.” I help my child name the emotion and use regulating strategies when he is angry, why is my child still throwing tantrums?” I cannot go on like this, I am losing my patience.
I get it. You took the time and effort to read up about toddler behaviors and implement gentle parenting practices in your day-to-day, but, you start expecting changes immediately.
When you don’t see the changes, you question your parenting. All of this creates uncertainty which leads to anger in a challenging situation with the child.
We need to understand that parenting is not about behavior patrol. An environment at home that consistently seeks connection and solution-seeking rather than correction and punishments and rewards ultimately leads to an understanding between parent and child. The child too knows, these are my humans, they will be there for me.
Gentle parenting when you don’t feel okay yourself is hard, give yourself grace for any missteps but keep on moving on the path of love. Our children learn to trust in adults who are there for them consistently, adults who say, I am listening, and don’t shut their feelings down.
HOW TO BE A CALM MOM?
Only once you know why you feel angry can you help yourself overcome it. Start journaling these triggers over a period of time and check for patterns.
Are you getting the help you need?
Are you conditioned to think of some behaviors as good and bad?
Maybe you are not yet feeling sure about the parenting style you have adopted.
One of the first steps we take when we start to parent consciously is to analyze our own childhood, the traumas we carry from the past, and how that shapes us as parents today.
This process looks different for each of us because no two of us have the same life experiences. But the ultimate end result is the same, we break free from generational traumas and gift our children a sense of their own being in this world.
Inner child work aside when changing our bad habits in this case anger, reflecting and recognizing why these behaviors show up in the moment is key.
Each of these triggers can be resolved over time with self-work. Just as our children were not born perfect neither were we. Parenting is a process; we make mistakes and we learn.
Now that we know why do moms get so angry, in the next post we will learn about ways to stay calm even when triggered.
Until then, tell me how do you recenter in a moment of crisis?