While rewards and punishments work well in the short term to get desired behaviors from our children. We want our children to be internally motivated and do things with willingness. But the question arises, how to raise internally motivated children?
A recent report showed that nearly 1 in 4 workers would take a pay cut in favor of a better work-life balance. Motivations like flexible hours lead to better performance compared to higher salaries. This got me thinking.
How can less salary but more flexible hours contribute to better performance at work? Aren’t extrinsic motivators like titles and higher salaries more alluring.
Well, they aren’t. Because the more an individual feels valued as a part of a company culture that allows him control of his life the more he is intrinsically motivated to perform and give his best.
Now let’s use this same logic with little children.
The more our children feel like they have agency in their life, (a power to control the course of their day to day with their own actions), the more happier and settled they are.
The more they are robbed of opportunities to exert this independence the more unhappy they are.
Unhappy children are not easy to cooperate or discipline.
What am I getting at?
How much true independence, choice and power to assert does your child have?
Are you interrupting his every movement and expecting a young child to sit still and behave perfectly all the time?
Are you stopping key processes that actually aid further brain development – like making a mess when they eat or play?
What does this result in?
Let me guess,
Whining, crying, screaming, hitting and biting?
Does this sound like a happy child?
Will it be easier to gain cooperation from a happy child or an unhappy one?
Happy Children are more cooperative and willing to participate in day to day routine.
Now I know many of you are going to ask about safety? and limits?
And no, you don’t need extrinsic motivators like toys, stickers, sweet treats, all kinds of rewards or punishment to motivate a child to live alongside individuals he loves as a part of a family unit with rules that apply for all.
There is always an intrinsic motivation to “do as you do” when they feel valued and heard.
To know more about how positive parenting and how it works in raising emotionally intelligent and motivated children I recommend the Positive Parenting online course by Genmindful The course will help you gain a deeper understanding of yourself, your triggers, how to manage them and how to discipline without yelling, shaming or nagging. At the same time, the course helps you connect with your child in playful ways. Make sure to check the course if you struggle with parenting with calm.
RAISING INTERNALLY MOTIVATED CHILDREN
When children feel they have the freedom to explore and be themselves they are automatically motivated to do more as a part of the family.
Here is how you can raise internally motivated children.
These are few things we do in our family that help with our son.
Set age appropriate expectations from them
I have an entire blog post on age-appropriate expectations. Do read that one to understand more about setting the right expectations, but the gist of it, when you set correct expectations you create a calmer home with fewer frustrations.
Give them responsibility
Make them feel like an important contributor to the family. Once you know what is age-appropriate involve them in home chores and family routines as suited. This makes the child feel confident in his being. Here is a list of age-appropriate chores for kids.
Be excited for them and their interests
Dig deep into topics of your child’s interest, they love the attention you give their interests and want to learn even more.
Make sure they know all learning is a process and there is no right or wrong in exploration. Really, let’s stop asking for perfection from children and look beyond the end result. Here are examples of encouraging phrases you can use with children to boost self-esteem.
Put their work on display or show pride with meaningful praises
Display art work or craft projects made by the child. When you praise the child’s efforts be specific, so the child knows that you notice good qualities. For example, instead of saying, “Good Job” every time your child helps, say, “You are such a good helper”. The latter shows you notice good behavior, the child then wants to do more.
Do not compare your child to another
As parents, our job is to parent our own authentic child. To understand him and be there for him. Each child is different and beautiful in his/her own way. It is our job to see the beauty in our children and meet them where they struggle to guide rather than compare one child with another.
Emphasize that life is an enjoyable process
Sometimes as we are running the rat race in our lives we forget to pass on an important message to our children. That there is more to life than fast=paced goal oriented living. Living is a process and you can find joy wherever you are.
In fact I look at motherhood as a blessing, because it taught me to slow down and really enjoy the simpler things in life. It is our children who bring this unique opportunity to get back in touch with our own inner selves. Do not miss out on this.
And as you enjoy your day to day, your child is looking at you, and learning the same. Enjoy the process don’t fret too much about mistakes.
Focus on how curiosity leads to magical explorations
Help them see the magic in the mundane. Use colorful language to describe the mundane. For e.g. In our home, we have a funny mantra that we say each morning that brings out the giggles and sets the mood for our day.
When we share this child-like innocent view of the world with our children they are internally motivated to keep moving on and trying their best instead of sulking and cribbing about problems and challenges
To sum it up for you,
The entire aim here is to appreciate the child’s effort. Not judge and label when the child struggles. Help the child seek solutions to the problems rather than focus on end results.
There are many situations in our day to day that are shaping how our children view themselves and their capabilities. These situations demand our attention and the use of mindful language. A language that supports and encourages the child. A language that makes the child feel loved yet one that encourages independence and endeavor. In today’s post we will look at a few examples of how you can use encouraging phrases for kids to lift their spirits and motivate them when they need it.
Developmentally too, toddlers and preschoolers are going through a whirlwind of emotions and trying to figure out what each means and how to process these feelings.
I love Generation Mindful resources for raising emotionally healthy children. From courses on Positive Parenting to Toolkits like the time-in toolkit and peacemakers toolkit that help children process emotions, these resources provide families with valuable information on to raise a healthy new generation. Check them out here.
It is our job as parents to teach children about emotions and how to regulate what they feel. Our encouraging words help them name their feelings, feel validated and at the same time pushes them to keep trying.
If there is one key skill for the future it is Emotional Intelligence and parents must be focusing on developing this skill alongside the pursuit of academic excellence.
ENCOURAGING PHRASES FOR KIDS
Encouraging phrases for kids to show love
I love you
I am so proud of you
You make my heart full
You are valuable to our family
You are such a good friend
You bring joy to my life
I love being your mom
I love spending time with you
You are my sunshine
Encouraging phrases for kids to motivate them to keep trying
I see you are trying
You almost got it
Keep trying
I believe in you
Let’s try one more time
Every mistake is a chance to learn something
It’s okay to make a mistake, I make mistakes too.
How can we make this right?
How can we improve on this?
Let us try until we figure it out
You can try again later
Maybe you need a break, and try again later?
You are so hardworking
You are really trying your best
That was a great effort
I see you are improving
You are getting better!
There, you got it!
Pause, think then act
It is not all about winning
Learning is a process
It is okay to mess up
How do you want me to help you?
Let us try your way
I know you can do it
You are learning and growing
Encouraging phrases for kids when they are going through a tough time
I am here to listen
You can say No
Everything will be okay
It’s a new day tomorrow
I am here if you need me
You can tell me anything
I feel your pain
This is hard for you
If I was in your shoes—-
Let’s breathe together
It is okay to worry
You are safe. I will keep you safe.
Encouraging phrases for kids to boost self-esteem and confidence.
You are such a good helper
That’s a good memory!
I appreciate your help
That is kind of you
You are so fun to be around
You make me laugh
You have a great idea
Good thinking
I had no idea you could do this! That is impressive!
You did it all by yourself!
That is a great question
So the next time, your child says, “I can’t do it”, maybe you can consider some of these encouraging phrases to help boost their confidence.
To get started on your gentle parenting journey I recommend you start here
Gentle Parenting is a way to parent through connection. It relies on love, understanding, respect, and boundaries. At home, I maintain a journal with some of my favorite gentle parenting quotes. On days I need a reminder of my goals I flip through my journal to motivate myself. Here is hoping these Gentle Parenting quotes inspire you to build a positive parenting life.
This list contains quotes from some of my favorite gentle parenting authors and blogs and I am sure you will take a few words of wisdom from these experts that will help your transition to Gentle parenting.
It’s not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world. It’s our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless.
L R Knost
So often, children are punished for being human. They are not allowed to have grumpy moods, bad days, disrespectful tones, or bad attitudes. Yet, we adults have them all the time. None of us are perfect. We must stop holding our children to a higher standard of perfection than we can attain ourselves.
Rebecca Eanes
The point of parenting is not to have all the answers before we start out but instead to figure it out on the go as our children grow. Because as they do, so will we.
Bridgett Miller
Discipline is helping a child solve a problem. Punishment is making a child suffer from having a problem. To raise problem solvers, focus on solutions, not retribution.
L R Knost
Raise your words, not your voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.
Rumi
Tantrums are not bad behavior. Tantrums are an expression of emotion that became too much for the child to bear. No punishment is required. What your child needs is compassion and safe, loving arms to unload in.
Rebecca Eanes
Speak with your children as if they are the wisest, kindest, most beautiful humans on earth, for what they believe is what they will become.
Brooke Hampton
Simply put, we, the parents, set the precedent for how human relationships are for our children.
Rebecca Eanes
The world has become too obsessed with finding ways to make babies entertained, settle themselves, sleep longer, and sleep alone. Nothing can truly replace the connection and affection of a human being.
Kristy Lee
No matter the problem, kindness is always the right response.
L R Knost
When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it’s our job to share our calm, not join their chaos.
L R Knost
Too much love won’t spoil. Kindness doesn’t provoke poor behavior. Respect doesn’t invite disrespect. This backward thinking has caused us to feel trapped into being too harsh for too long. Generations of children are still searching and longing for unconditional love.
Rebecca Eanes
It is the nature of the child to be dependent, and it is the nature of the dependence to be outgrown. Begrudging dependency because it is not independence is like begrudging winter because it is not yet spring. Dependency blossoms into independence in its own time.
Peggy O’Mara
Every day in a hundred small ways our children ask us, “Do you see me? Do you hear me? Do I matter? This behavior often reflects our response.
L R Knost
Trust Children. Nothing could be more simple, or more difficult. Difficult because to trust children we must learn to trust ourselves, and most of us were taught as children that we could not be trusted.
John Holt
Release your attachments to how things ‘ought ‘ to be and instead surrender to how they actually are.
Dr. Shefali Tsabary
We liberate children not by making them work for our love, but by letting them rest in it.
Dr. Godron Neufeld
One way of communicating Love with a child is through Eye Contact.
Jen Harrison
The world is changed by examples, not by opinions.
Paulo Coelho
Pushing children into something when they’re not ready, only pushes them away. Let them know that waiting and observing is an option. Doing something when they are comfortable and ready, is perfectly acceptable. It develops self-awareness and self-respect.
Kristy Lee
Here are a few Gentle Parenting books by my favorite authors
Positive Parenting An Essential Guide – Rebecca Eanes
The Gentle Parenting Book – Sarah Ockwell-Smith
I hope you found a few gentle parenting quotes here today that inspire you to live your best parenting life.
And as you carry these words in your day to day remember, Gentle Parenting is not about perfection. Unlearning and moving away from what we know of takes time, but even the littlest change for good can have a positive impact on our kids.
Toddler years are the first time many parents start to experience a disconnect with their child. It is frustrating for parents trying to establish firm boundaries to face a constant rule-defying child.
Why does this happen?
Well, the problem usually lies in unrealistic expectations from the child.
And the answer lies in setting age-appropriate expectations.
From my personal experience and talking with 100’s of mothers on Instagram and now proved through this survey, I can tell you that most friction between parents and toddlers occurs because of incorrect expectations placed on a child that’s not yet ready.
I am happy to collaborate with my friend and fellow Gentle Parenting mama, Vaishali from Amma Today, and share with you information on how to make your life with your toddler more peaceful with less drama.
Age-appropriate expectations from toddlers
Let us look at some common areas of struggle for parents and understand what is appropriate to expect from a toddler.
SLEEP
Sleep is a big concern for many parents. Parents are fussing over skipping of the day-time nap (that one big break mothers look forward to in the day) and multiple waking’s in the night.
Sleep deprivation is one of the biggest triggers for anger in parents. So, I get your frustration over your toddler’s seemingly erratic sleep patterns. But let me assure you that what you are experiencing is fairly normal for toddlers.
What are the normal expectations for sleep in toddlers?
Toddlers need about 12-13 hours of sleepevery 24 hours. This sleep is usually broken down into 10-12 hours at night, followed by a nap of 1-2 hours during the day.
During the toddler years, the child is increasingly aware of his surroundings, the happenings in and around his home environment and more connected to his caregivers. This often means that the child will try to delay bedtime and stay up with the family.
It is okay to establish certain rules around bedtime, but this entire routine will take a while to set and until then you will need to provide a consistent framework.
Less than 5% of two-year-olds wake three or more times at night. (source)
Now with regards to sleeping through the night, I found this fascinating study that suggests that the norms around sleep need to be revised for breastfed toddlers.
It said that the published norms for infant sleep/wake patterns during the first 2 years of life included an increase in the length of maximum sleep bout from four to five to eight to ten hours by 4 months but a little decrease in total sleep in 24 hours from 13 to 15 hours.
The study followed thirty-two breast-fed infants for 2 years and collected data on 24-hour patterns of nursing and sleep.
It found that infants who were breastfed into the second year did not develop sleep/wake patterns in conformance with the norms. Instead of having long unbroken sleep at night, they continued to sleep in short bouts with frequent wakings for feeds. Their total sleep in 24 hours was less than that of weaned infants.
This pattern was most pronounced in infants who both nursed and shared a bed with the mother, common practices in many non-western cultures.
Therefore the sleep/wake development accepted as the physiologic norm may be attributable to the early weaning and separated sleeping practiced in western culture.
As prolonged breastfeeding becomes more popular in our society, the norms of sleep/wake patterns in infancy will have to be revised. (source)
FOOD
Now the second most important parenting concern and cause for much frustration and stress is food intake.
What is considered age-appropriate in terms of eating patterns and behaviors in young children?
Here are 4 points you need to consider as you set your expectations around food
Growth slows down in the toddler years as compared to baby-hood. This means that toddlers’ food intake will reduce.
Most toddlers are picky eaters, this goes back to the evolutionary protectionist behavior in toddlers. Toddlers being explorers used to roam free and were exposed to different plants and herbs some of which could be poisonous. This protective instinct helped them from accidentally eating a poisonous plant.
Another important point to note is that around one year of age they finally begin to understand what they eat and can exert a level of control on how much they can eat. This brings with it a certain level of self-protection and guards against different flavors and textures. They crave sameness and consistency. This mechanism helps them feel safe and protected in a period where they are rapidly developing new skills such as speech, walking, running, climbing, certain new cognitive skills, etc.
Most toddlers also do not yet possess functional independence, this means they cannot yet eat without making a mess, but they need the opportunity to eat independently and learn how to self-feed. Messy eating is a part of growing up and learning to eat independently, therefore parents who continue to feed their children because they make a mess when they eat are having unrealistic expectations, which in turn robs the child of the opportunity to learn how to eat on his own.
All of this is part of normal growth and development in the toddler years. As parents, you may need to readjust your expectations around the quantity of food consumed per meal (look at this guide here) and allow some messes to be made.
I will add here though, that toddler years are a great time to start working on those table manners and basic mealtime routines. Explain in short sentences and simple words what is expected at the table.
Our son went through a phase of throwing food off the plate;
I had to repeat many times,
“When you don’t like something, keep it on the side of the plate”
When it went on a few more times, I used to lay down a natural consequence.
“We don’t throw food in our house. I will take away your plate if you continue throwing food off the plate.”
And I followed through on my consequence when throwing continued.
In time he got it and stopped the habit.
In the meantime, as we worked on this behavior I also tried my best to understand why throwing was happening.
After a bit of trial and error I figured, when a lot of different foods were placed on his plate, especially in larger quantities, he was overwhelmed. His response was to eat a little and then throw foods off the plate.
Once I understood this, I changed the way I served him food. We started by offering him only one tablespoon of each food on the plate when we served. He could ask for more as he finished. This strategy worked really well.
So the combination of me changing his exposure to bad behavior causing circumstance and applying natural consequences when things got out of hand helped us get through to our son and stop the unwanted behavior.
BEHAVIOR
Toddlers are going through an emotional whirlwind. This is the first time they are experiencing feelings like anger, guilt, shame, frustration, and their tiny brains cannot process these big emotions.
Understanding where your toddler is at emotionally can help parents manage toddler tantrums and unpredictable behaviors.
Offer them age-appropriate choices so they feel a sense of control.
And help them name these new emotions they are going through so they learn to recognize the emotion.
Coach your toddler on how to cope with certain feelings.
The following blog posts will give you exact strategies for handling emotions in toddlers.
Discipline literally means to teach and has nothing to do with punishment. Unfortunately, many parents think of discipline as punishing the child.
In a recent survey, it was found that employees would rather take a pay cut in favor of a better work-life balance. Extrinsic motivators like higher tiles and pay did not lead to more productivity at work. But a work environment that provided employees more control over their lives lead to more intrinsically motivated staff who work better.
This same human psychology works in children.
The more you give your children agency in life, the more settled and cooperative they will be.
Our children need safe spaces to move in. And until they can figure it out themselves they need guidance on the subject of safety and how to treat those around them. Guidance, not punishments or shaming. You can call this a period of “hand-holding.”
Children thrive on routines, therefore provide children with a solid routine. A routine adds to sense security and calm.
At the same time understand that any change in routine be it travel, the arrival of a younger sibling, starting school will cause a shift in toddler behavior.
Give your child some grace during such periods and with consistency bring them back to the routine.
Instead of time-outs consider a time-in with the parent. Allow the child some space to figure out what went wrong in the heat of the moment.
At the same time give him the comfort of knowing that his parents love him regardless of his actions.
Certain situations do warrant a more firm approach and for these situations, parents can use Natural Consequences. To understand how to help your child through the chaos and set natural consequences read, Vaishali’s post here.
SOCIALIZATION AND SHARING
Around age 2, parents start making a lot of effort into helping the child socialize. This may be done through play dates or enrolling the child in playgroup.
But for the large part toddlers are still involved in parallel play and may not yet be ready to engage in cooperative play.
Some toddlers also go through stranger anxiety which can make socialization challenging.
How can parents help?
Well, first off, readjust your expectations on what toddler socialization looks like.
Parallel play is as important as cooperative play. Go to the park and on playdates. Your child is observing how other children play, how they talk and engage with those around. Mixed-age groups are very enriching for toddlers to learn from. So, don’t stop social outings because you feel your child is not engaging with those around.
Many parents also make a big deal out of sharing. Sharing happens when the child wants to engage in cooperative play (you will see this skill develop somewhere around age 4). 2-3-year-olds are not yet ready to share their toys and you should not force them to do the same.
You can, however, teach the child to take turns when playing in a group and practice self-control at home through different games. Games like “stop and go”, “lock and key” are great to get toddlers used to following simple instructions and practice controlling impulse.
At the same time, we don’t want to label our children selfish or punish them for skills that are not yet developed and ones that even when developed take long to be established.
My hope with this post is that parents understand that most of the chaos in our parenting lives is self-created when we lack empathy and have unrealistic expectations from our children.
Understanding toddler’s limitations and setting age-appropriate expectations avoid a lot of frustrations and disappointments. How we talk with our children and the expectations we have from them builds their confidence and makes them emotionally resilient in the long run.
What are some of the challenges you face as a toddler mom? Do these stem from unrealistic expectations?
Before our son started preschool we had a very peaceful morning routine in place. Both of us woke up around the same time, I laid out a few open-ended toys for him to play with as I fixed us some breakfast, then we would eat together followed by one on one time before the frantic schedule for the day started. Our school morning routine though was looking quite different. Even though I read up about helping children adjust to school, it took a while for both of us to adjust to getting ready and out of the house five days a week.
I was missing the peaceful mornings we shared before preschool started. We seemed to be running against the clock every day and rushing to get out the door.
It didn’t help that I have to do this solo on most mornings as my husband usually travels for work.
A rushed start to the morning also meant that I was exhausted by the time I drop him off and start my work for the day. My productivity at work took a hit and I was not happy about how things were progressing.
This is when I decided to take control of the situation and first asked for help. Grandma came to our rescue. After a week with grandma helping out, I took a step back and assessed which areas were most difficult to get through the quickest in the morning. For us, breakfast time and dressing up for school was the slowest drag.
Plus, our son was used to mommy sitting with him for breakfast and now I used that time to prepare his snack box in the kitchen. This left him feeling unhappy which affected his willingness to go to school. Once grandma came over and took over the breakfast department, I sat and enjoyed my one on one time with him, I immediately noticed the difference in his willingness to get ready and out the door. He wanted more time with his Mumma before school. I got that now. It was time to fix our routine.
Today I will talk about how we went from frantic and crazy mornings to a peaceful school morning routine.
Need help setting up solid family routines? you should check out Pulling Curl’s e-course on Family Routines. Hilary is a working mom of three. In her program, she shares her secrets to balancing family life using practical routines. The course is online, self-paced and can be taken anywhere. You can hop in and out as you wish.
She provides practical solutions to challenging mom life struggles like morning routines for kids, homework routines, a cleaning routine, toy rotation, handling screen time and more. It’s one course that sorts your family life. Have a look here.
THE SECRETS TO A PEACEFUL SCHOOL MORNING ROUTINE
Prepare the night before
Layout school uniforms, water bottles, school bags the night before.
We prefer having a bath the night before so that the school morning routine is quicker.
I also make sure to prep some of his snack box ingredients and breakfast the night before. This way I am not away from the breakfast table for long and my son gets his wish of mommy and son breakfast time.
For younger kids get them in a routine for a bath followed by storytime and then bedtime. For older kids make sure that they don’t get screen time one hour before bed. Watching screens before bed interferes with good sleep.
A good night’s sleep is essential so the child is fresh and ready to take on a new day. If you have trouble getting your child to bed in time every night here are my top toddler sleep tips to help you get into a healthy nighttime routine.
Wake up before the child
I avoided waking up before my child for a long time. I wanted that extra bit of sleep so bad. But once I started waking up before our son, I could immediately tell the difference in how our mornings changed.
Those extra 20-30 minutes gave me time to prepare breakfast (that way I could sit with him for breakfast, gave us more one-on-one time before school).
I could drink my morning cup of tea in peace. It gives me time to reflect or plan my day in my diary. It puts me in a good mood and that mood transfers to everyone in the household, believe me.
On other days, if my son wants to sleep in a little extra, I let that happen too, in the meantime, I am preparing everything for him. And that little bit of extra sleep makes a big difference to his mood. This technique is especially useful in families with multiple kids, set a staggered wake-up alarm. That way each kid gets time to himself in the bathroom and you avoid early morning bathroom use fights.
Set the mood for a calm morning
There is a strict rule in our home for no screens in the morning. Instead, our son gets time with open-ended toys like magnetic tiles, blocks or his cars. We also try our best to fit in reading books in the morning. This usually gets him in a good mood for the day. I make sure to pick up stories with positive messages or jokes to lift up his spirits in the morning.
Pack simple lunch boxes
I like to go with quick and easy to assemble lunchboxes. Especially on days when I am solo parenting, I tend to go with breakfast ideas that can become the mains in my son’s snack box.
So if we have dosa for breakfast, he gets cheese uttapam in his snack box. Or I stick to quick to prepare snack ideas that won’t take me more than 10 minutes in the kitchen.
I even ask my son to join in and help me prepare his snack box. Add in some fresh local fruit, nuts and seeds and bam! you have a quick and healthy lunchbox ready for school.
This is a big one. Before every next step in the routine (especially for younger children) give the child a heads-up about what is coming next. This gives a child an idea of what is happening in the day and you avoid a few tantrums.
You can also use tricks like a 2-minute timer to get dressed or a morning routine chart to get the kids excited about getting dressed and moving along to the next steps in their routine.
Have family morning traditions
At present we do a book reading in the morning and I pack a favorite snack (his favorites are raisins, apricots or cashews) of his for our ride to the school.
You can read positive affirmations, build a special morning song playlist for the car ride, something that the child will look forward to in the morning and cheer him up.
Always say bye with a hug and a kiss.
No matter how the morning pans out remember to always give your child a hug and kiss as you send him off to school. A special high-five or cute byes like, “See you later Alligator” leave your child with a smile on his face and a sprint in his step.
So there you have it, the secret to a stress-free parenting life is establishing solid routines. Especially on school mornings, all you want is for your children to leave home in a happy state of mind and a good routine ensures just that.
Wondering what happened to your toddler who used to go happily to Aunty G? Why is he now clinging onto you for dear life? Toddler stranger anxiety is a normal part of child development. Don’t worry, you are not doing something wrong.
In fact, just like babies go through a period of stranger anxiety, some toddlers too experience anxiety around unfamiliar people.
WHAT AGE IS STRANGER ANXIETY SEEN IN TODDLERS?
Toddler stranger anxiety can start around 14 months of age and usually disappears on its own by 2 years of age.
WHY DO TODDLERS EXPERIENCE STRANGER ANXIETY?
Even though this anxiety around other family members may feel unreasonable and unpredictable. Toddler stranger anxiety only means your child now has a strong attachment to you. So yes, certain family members he may have played with in the past suddenly make your child anxious. But this has nothing to do with your child becoming introverted suddenly, which is the common misconception.
I have seen many families starting playschool or daycare around this age range because now they fear their child is becoming “shy” and will never learn to be social.
Remember, stranger anxiety is a normal part of childhood development, it indicates a strong bond between you and your child. There is nothing wrong with your child and you are not failing at Parenting.
Some toddlers experience this phase intensely whereas others may skip this stage altogether. Each child is different.
I find this My Feelings Card Set quite useful in helping children understand and name emotions. It creates awareness about what to expect and how the child can express feelings appropriately.
Anxious around extended family, friends, and other kids
Hiding behind you or another object (curtains, sofas, and cupboards)
Crying out for you
Looking away from the guest
Avoiding interaction and participation in the party or socialization
Clinging onto the parent
How can you help your toddler deal with stranger anxiety? Read on
TIPS ON HANDLING TODDLER STRANGER ANXIETY
Prepare your child beforehand
Before you head out to a party or in case you are expecting guests at home, give your toddler a heads up. Describe to him, who he will be meeting. Maybe tell a little backstory about the new person he will be meeting. For eg. “Max Uncle is your daddy’s friend from work. He met you last when you were a baby. He made you laugh with silly faces.”
Sometimes knowing beforehand, helps the child feel prepared to meet new people.
When greeting someone new, and your toddler starts to get anxious, grabbing at your legs or hiding behind furniture take a moment and reassure him. Speak in a calming voice and let him know, that it is all okay. Introduce the guest and then give your child a moment.
Explain to guests or family
Explain to family and guests that your toddler needs a minute. You can reassure the child and explain to guests in one sentence by saying something like, “Tracy will join us when she is ready.” This way your child knows you are there for her and your guests can back off and give the child a moment to warm up to them.
Stay close to your child
After you reassure your child, stay close for a few moments. Let her know you are there for her. Depending on how severe the toddler stranger anxiety is you can either take a few moments breather in another room or carry your child and comfort her.
When you feel assured that the child has calmed down, bring her back into the room and carry on socializing.
To make the toddler feel comfortable around a room full of strangers or a new guest, get her involved in helping out. Ask the toddler to carry out a box of napkins for the guest table or bring water for the guest. All along stay close to your child until you see them relax and get confident in moving around the new person in the room.
Continue with your social life. Don’t change anything.
A few incidents of extreme toddler stranger anxiety should not deter you from having a social life. Both you and your child need to socialize and take breaks from routine. Continue with exposure to new unfamiliar social scenarios and don’t think too much about what others think of your child or parenting style.
Give it time
Most importantly give it time. The child needs to feel confident to step into the world and the only way she can do it is with you by her side.
Most experienced parents will tell you that toddler stranger anxiety does not last more than a few months. Sure it feels hard when you are dealing with it, but remember this phase too shall pass.
Trust in your child and give her some time to figure this out and become more social. She is watching you interact with those around you. Model the behavior you want to see in her, and she will soon get over the stranger anxiety.
I hope these tips help your family through this phase in child development. Like everything in parenting, take it one day at a time.
Easy Mommy life completes another successful year and I thought it would be wonderful to roundup some of the viewer’s favorites here.
Each of these posts was once a challenge I faced as a mother. It took me a while to figure out a solution or a system to solve these problems. Once I felt like I had sufficient expertise in these areas of parenting I was ready to share what worked for me.
And as I guessed right, these same challenges troubled other parents in my audience and they were ready to make the changes and find creative solutions. That is why these posts are read and re-read because all of us have faced at least one of these challenges in our parenting stints so far.
If you are struggling with controlling your anger around your kids, this post is for you. Learn how to become a calmer parent and bring back a more peaceful routine to your home.
Here are the exact phrases you can use when your toddler doesn’t listen. Get my gentle parenting strategies and create a peaceful home routine with your kids. Earn your child’s trust and become problem solvers with these perspective-changing tips.
Get my practical tips on how to reduce screen time for kids. This post will help you navigate through screen time rules and figure out how much screen time is okay for your children.
Many parents complain that their toddler doesn’t listen. Well, first off toddlers are beginning to assert for themselves which is a good thing developmentally. But they may not always have a complete understanding of situations around them, including risk assessment or social etiquette. Besides, the toddler’s brain is still developing impulse control, which makes it really hard for them to wait for things or resist temptation.
Does that mean we resort to traditional disciplinarian methods of parenting and use scare tactics, yelling, and punishments to make the toddler listen? No!
Scaring or punishing a child to discipline is not going to teach the child about why his/her actions are wrong or what the consequences are.
I found the book, How to talk so little kids will listen instrumental in creating a calmer transition to the twos and threes. This book gives insight into the toddler’s mindset and how parents can effectively communicate with their toddlers and help them follow along.
Here are 10 phrases I use regularly that work like magic in situations when my toddler doesn’t listen.
PHRASES TO USE WHEN YOUR TODDLER DOESN’T LISTEN
We aregoing to leave in 15 minutes. Instead of we have to leave now. Hurry up!
Prepare your child for what is coming next. Most times knowing about the next plan in the day, helps the child wrap up whatever it is they are doing. It gives the child a timeframe to work with. No one likes to be interrupted when they are immersed in deep focussed work. The same goes for your toddler. He may be busy playing in deep focus. Giving him a heads up prepares him to finish up his game. This way you avoid tantrums at the last minute.
The same phrase works when we are about to get into unfamiliar social settings. For example; “We are going to meet my cousin from the US. He.…(give more information)” This way when the new person enters or introduces himself the child already has some information and doesn’t panic and go into stranger anxiety mode. A simple heads up works in most situations.
Setting a strong family routine keeps most of the tantrums away. Children thrive on routines as they know what is expected of them at each point of the day. If setting strong routines is challenging for you, check the Family Routine’s e-course by Pulling Curls.
What I liked about the program is how it teaches you to set solid routines while giving you a framework to leave more “margins” in your day. This allows you to tackle the unexpected easily, and we all know a happy mommy equals happy kids. Check this life-changing course here.
2. Do you want pizza or pasta for dinner?
Offer a choice.
Do you want to join the party or do you want some time outside before you join in?
Do you want the red pants or the blue ones?
Offering a choice allows the child to be in control of the situation. And once again the child is more receptive to participate along once he feels ready to take on the next task.
Make sure to keep the options limited between two, so that its easier for the child to make up his mind.
3. I see you are finding it difficult to open the lid, do you need help?
If we jump in and help without asking, the toddler will resist and a tantrum ensues. A toddler needs his independence so giving up on something he is trying out has to be his own decision.
By simply asking if he needs help, you are allowing the toddler to take charge of the situation and decide for himself if he does, in fact, need help.
4. Can you use your words, please? Instead of stop whining
This simple request encourages the toddler to express as best he can. Remember to use a very calm tone as you request the child to use his words, you don’t want to come off asking in a stern tone. The parent’s tone of voice is key to holding communications in the right manner.
5. Let’s use gentle hands with the baby. Instead of saying, “Stop doing this” or ” Stop grabbing the baby”
When around a baby, for example, you want your child to be careful, you can ask him to use a gentle touch. Show how a gentle touch looks like.
If the rough play goes on after repeated reminders it is best to move the child away to another play station.
For more in-depth help with disciplining your child and getting him to listen without yelling, shaming, blaming, or remindingyou must check out this online positive parenting course.
This course offers you practical advice and gives you the tools to gain a deeper understanding of yourself, your triggers, how to connect with your child in playful ways, and create a more peaceful home.
6. I am not okay with you getting wet in the rain, because I am afraid you will fall sick. Instead of, stop, don’t walk in the rain.
When you are not comfortable with what your toddler is doing, be it getting wet in the rain, or some sort of risky play use this phrase it works like magic.
The moment I tell my son about my concerns and why I don’t want him to play a certain way, he is more understanding.
I will say, I am not okay with you running on the side of the road, I am afraid you will hurt yourself or,
I am not okay with you getting wet in the rain, because I am afraid you will catch a cold.
7. Let us add this to our wish list
Every parent has faced the tantrum in a store. When the child wants something and wants it right now.
We can’t always give in and buy what they want.
There are two ways I tackle this situation. One is by saying, “Let us add this to our wishlist”. Then I pull out a piece of paper and write it down. I discuss with our son about why we aren’t going to buy now, but I would be happy to include it on the running wishlist.
We have designated times of the year we buy toys, like birthdays and festivals. I pull out the list then and we go through the list together. Sometimes he is no longer interested in some of the toys on the list, at other times I give him a choice to buy 1-2 from his list.
This way he learns to wait in order to buy something and he gets to reconsider a decision. Is it something I really want? You will be surprised how many times it’s the child who will say to you, no, I don’t want that toy anymore.
At other times, I simply, get down to his level and explain to him why we cannot buy that certain toy and how I wish could buy him many many toys, but we can’t, we need to use what we already own first. Again, you may feel that a little child will not agree to reason, but once you start to hold a mature conversation, children are very understanding.
In the book How to talk so little kids will listen the authors list out a fantastic tip that works with younger toddlers during a tantrum and helps them calm down.
If your younger toddler is crying for ice cream for example, simply take out a piece of paper and start drawing it out for the child. You can say, “Let me draw this, so I don’t forget to buy it for you the next time. Let’s see, a triangle for the cone and maybe some sprinkles?” Ask your child to join in. Before you know it, your little one is distracted with the drawing and you can move on.
Believe me, when I first read this in the book, I thought to myself, no-way this works. But it did! Acknowledging the child’s feelings through art helps the child feel heard, acts as a tool to calm down and regulate and once the child is calm you can move on.
I also keep my promise. I usually defer buying him the ice-cream or chocolate to the next up-coming family event. Maybe it is his sister’s birthday next month, we can eat ice-cream then and I make sure to follow-through with my promise.
It is not possible to give in to every demand and this distraction tool helps with emotion handling for 2 year olds. Through art children learn to express how they feel in the moment which is a great start for future conflict resolution.
8. It is okay to be sad/cry
Sometimes when faced with big emotions instead of saying “stop crying/ you are a big girl/boy now” accept the emotion for them. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to cry.
Acknowledging the feelings helps the child calm down, understand the emotions he is feeling, and make it okay for him to be able to express to you. We want our children to know that it is important to express all feelings, good and bad. That expressing emotion is a healthy exercise.
9. I am going to wait for you to calm down
When no amount of talking and calming down help, it is best to take a step back and allow the child a moment to calm down and self reflect.
You can stay close and say I am going to wait for you to calm down. This phrase works so well for us, both of us end up in a hug moments later and move on to resolving the problem at hand. Sometimes all your child needs is a little space and time to do the self-work.
10. Let us start over- 1, 2, 3…
Some situations demand a do-over. There can be days when everything is just going wrong and you are facing tantrum after tantrum. You may resort to yelling and screaming. But you can change the situation.
Start over
Get down to the child’s level, acknowledge that the day has been rough for both of you, that you don’t want it to continue this way. And then hold hands, take a deep breath count to three and start over.
Save this pin to get back to this list of phrases you can use with your toddler.
Most importantly,
Remember, there will be times when nothing will work. Your toddler understands that he has expressed his emotions in an unpalatable way. He may not know how to change the situation and go back to calm. But he needs the reassurance that things are still okay, between the two of you.
Here it is important for the parent to say, I Love You. It helps the child feel reassured that your love for them is not dependent on his actions.
Yes, certain actions are unacceptable, but that does not mean you stop loving them.
It is quite possible that the child feels his actions may cause you to stop loving him. And we need him to understand that a parent’s love is unconditional. That you are his safe place to vent and be. That you will guide him and help him through challenging situations.
It can get very difficult as parents to remain calm when we are in the midst of a tantrum but remember you are helping your child learn how to channel his emotions. I feel handling tantrums is one of the most challenging tasks parents have to deal with and at the same time the base to how the relationship will turn out in the future.
That is why I give a lot of importance to helping with emotions because somewhere hidden behind those emotions lie, my sons, true thoughts and feelings about me and our relationship.
Each challenging moment is a moment for us to practice how to trust each other, and how to get creative at solving the problem. They are learning moments and help our relationship grow stronger.
Aggression in 3-year-olds can take many parents by surprise. As adults, we view aggressive behavior as unhealthy and inherently wrong. So when we first encounter aggression in 3-year-olds (some 2-year-olds also exhibit these aggressive behaviors) we are shocked and feel as if we are failing to raise a good human being.
Okay, before you start stressing about your aggressive 3 year old, let me assure you, what you are experiencing is a normal part of emotional and behavioral development in young children. Most preschoolers will hit, kick, bite, jump, or yell when they are overwhelmed by emotions. Children act out in an aggressive manner when they feel threatened or frustrated by a problem.
WHY DO PRESCHOOLERS GET AGGRESSIVE?
The most common tantrums that lead up to aggressive behavior in 3-year-olds are
need for your attention,
to gain access to certain toys, activities or foods, or
disagreement with your plans for that moment/follow routine.
The child is still learning how to appropriately express his needs or disagreement and sometimes the need or moment gets bigger than him.
How to control one’s impulses and solve conflicts in a socially acceptable way is still an undeveloped skill in this age group.
Such aggressive behavior, therefore, is normal for 2-4-year-olds. You may notice aggression peaks by age 3 and starts to decrease after age 4. (source)
HOW CAN I HELP MY 3 YEAR OLD WITH AGGRESSION?
Stay calm
The first thing you need to do when your child hits, bites or yells is stay calm. Any reaction from you can motivate the child to keep repeating his actions. At the moment you are setting an example for your child of how one reacts when provoked. Do not join in his chaos, help him understand and learn through you how big emotions are dealt with. Explain calmly, “hands are not for hitting, or I can’t let you hurt your sister/friend.”
When the child’s actions can pose harm to another child or adult, remove him from the situation. Do not wait until harm is done. At age 3 most children are verbal. You can wait until the child has calmed down or moved on to other things to bring up the subject again and talk about how we handle difficult situations. This is the conversation where you reiterate limits, for example, “hands are not for hitting, no throwing sand on other kids, it can hurt others”.
Stick to your expectations and limits
At age 3 many temper tantrums may be for access to certain privileges like screen time or certain favorite food. When denied the child lashes out in a violent tantrum. At moments like this, it is important for the parent to stay calm, reassuring, and consistent with the set limits.
Reassure your child you care for him and stick to the set expectations. For example: I worry about your eyes that is why I cannot let you watch more T.V.
4. Be realistic about your child’s ability to follow house rules.
Set age-appropriate rules and expectations for your child. A 3-year-old may not be able to complete a task around the house without making a mess. Expect the messes and work around providing more opportunities for independence.
3-year-olds especially are beginning to enjoy the risky play. They are testing the limits of their bodies.
When children are unable to explore tasks independently that pent up frustration comes out as aggression.
Creating safe spaces for exploration and play is important for the child to develop confidence and a healthy emotional state.
Be realistic about qualities such as empathy and sharing.
Many 3-year-olds have not yet developed impulse-control. Therefore sharing or taking turns can create situations of conflict. Even so, the child requires more opportunities to play in groups and learn through observation what sharing looks like.
If your child has a favorite toy that can cause conflict at a play date or at the park, do not bring that toy along.
Three-year-olds will protect their interests when threatened, and may not be willing to share with another child.
When we go for play dates, I make sure to buy a small toy or gift for the other child and ask my son to gift the other child. This simple act of gifting brings him joy and settles him into a happy mood more willing to participate in group play.
Tune in, listen, and learn.
Our job as parents is to shape the world around the child. When the child is throwing aggressive tantrums frequently, it indicates something that’s lacking in his environment. Often the first questions to ask ourselves are
Is our child feeling loved?
Does he get enough time with his parents?
Does he feel threatened by a new situation- the birth of a new sibling? or simply,
Overtired, hungry, or sleepy.
All these situations can bring about aggressive behaviors in three-year-olds. The situations indicate unmet needs and the tantrum a way for the child to express his needs.
Understand the cause of the aggressiveness and take action to change the environment to suit the child. Results are almost always immediate. Solving the root cause of the disturbance yields better results than temporary solutions like offering a treat or distractions like T.V and screens.
Allow the child the freedom to express his feelings. Encourage talk and spend one on one time every day with your child. I know this sounds simple, but our busy lives and routines sometimes do not allow us to spend uninterrupted time with our children. I always felt like I know my child’s heart better when I have spent time with him, he feels more settled around me and I have insight into his challenges that help me help him better.
The days I have been busier at work, the distance between us becomes obvious and sure enough, I start to see cracks in his generally settled behavior.
Over a period of time, I found that one on one time spent with parents is one of the ways to resolve any of the challenging behaviors we face.
AGGRESSION IN 3-YEAR-OLDS – WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR CHILD HITS, BITES, OR GETS ROUGH
How to help an angry child calm down
Name the emotion or describe what happened
As much as is possible try to find out what led to the angry outburst and name the emotion for your child. For example: “You are upset your sister took your blocks”
I find this My Feelings Card Set quite useful in helping children understand and name emotions. It creates awareness about what to expect and how the child can act after a violent episode.
Do not shame the child for expressing violently, but reiterate limits
For example, “Our hands are not for hitting/ I will not let you hurt your sister/ I cannot let you spoil the mattress”(While gently pulling the child away from the situation)
Offer a solution/distraction
Let us build blocks here away from sister/ Move sister away with another toy/ Or offer a similar-looking toy/crayon/block.
Help the child make amends
When the child has hurt another child/adult you can say something like this;”Looks like sister got hurt, let us give her a pat on her arm and comfort her”
Ignore a rough play when possible
Sometimes I ignore rough play if it is happening in a safe space and does not have the potential to cause the child or those around him hurt. I try as much as is possible to bite my tongue and not say anything. Counting to 10 helps me in this case. Most times he gives up his rough play after a few tries.
At this age, a lot of it is the inner desire to experiment with things around him.
If I feel his rough play is going to harm him in some way, I ask him to “Use gentle hands/ Walk slowly/ or I describe the potential harm the object he is playing with can cause so he can understand it better and then distract to another toy/task.
Channel that energy so he can express correctly
Often during a violent tantrum, all the child needs is a way to vent. You can offer a pillow to punch, paper to tear, or color. These activities help the child calm down. I start by punching the pillow myself and showing how I can get that frustration out.
A quick tip: What to say instead of No
One trick that worked for me with my son is to say what I expect as if he already embodies that command. If he is around a baby and engaging in rough play, I will say “You want to show me how you can be gentle when you play with baby”. Or “You are so gentle around the baby.”
These simple positive statements show I trust in him and 90% of the time, he follows through wanting to show me how well he can handle that situation. Sometimes he backs off if he feels he cannot do what I stated. A simple tip that works in many tricky situations instead of saying “No, don’t do this/that.”
Children act out in an aggressive manner when they are fearful, frustrated, or threatened by a certain situation. They want to protect their own interests. Show them how they can without harming others around them.
I hope these tips and tricks help you resolve some of the aggression in your 3-year-olds. Do leave me a comment if you need help with a specific scenario. Until then be the calm to your child’s chaos.
You are probably reading this article as you witness the first changes in your toddler’s behavior and start dealing with the terrible twos. Are you wondering what happened to your baby? And how you can help?
WHY DO THE TERRIBLE TWOS HAPPEN?
First off, let me tell you what you are experiencing is a normal part of child development and the term terrible two’s (one that I personally don’t like to use) is just a period of rapid development.
Your toddler is gaining new skills both motor and language, and this is the first time in his life that he begins to assert independence and test boundaries around him. And as he begins to express himself, emotions also become a part of the picture. He experiences big emotions that he does not yet fully understand.
So at one end, he may be able to express himself and ask for more independence, which is great but this same independence means he now is willing to test the boundaries of his environment and see what else can be explored, something you may not be comfortable with.
Toddlers want to do things on their own but realize they are expected to follow certain rules. The “why” of these rules are not yet clear to them, which can lead to a lot of friction between the parent and the toddler.
If this toddler behavior is normal,
SHOULD YOU IGNORE TODDLER TANTRUMS?
Ignoring your 2-year-olds tantrums will not help the situation.
What message do you think ignoring sends?
That my parents don’t want me to express how I feel, I should bottle up my feelings.
Or worse the child could start feeling abandoned when going through this emotional upheaval which could affect the trust relationship between parent and child in time causing the child to resent his parent.
It is our job as parents to allow a safe space in our home for everyone to voice their feelings, however bad they be and then support and guide our children through this phase.
HOW LONG DO THE TERRIBLE TWOS LAST?
For most toddlers this phase will start around 18 months of age and go on until the age 3 and a little beyond that too.
Many parents don’t even experience these aggressive toddler behaviors during the 2’s, but, start experiencing such behaviors in the 3’s and 4’s.
Rest assured, take it from a mommy of a 5 year old, by the time the kids reach age 4, if you have followed the steps to dealing with the terrible twos I mention here, you will help your child to be able to handle the big feelings and calm down on his own.
Even before I get into what you can specifically do to deal with the “terrible twos”, I will highly recommend the awesome book written by Joanna Faber & Julie King called, How to Talk so Little kids will listen.
This book will guide you through everyday parenting case studies with specific guidance on what you can say to your child so he will listen to you without much resistance.
I have used so many of the strategies listed in this book; it has been a game-changer in my home and one of the key gentle parenting tools I use.
TRIED AND TRUE TIPS FOR DEALING WITH THE TERRIBLE TWOS
Here are 10 tips that can help you better communicate with your toddler and establish a more peaceful home life.
Routine
In a period of rapid development, toddlers crave a certain sameness and consistency. Development wise a lot is happening in these years. Your toddler is learning to walk, talk, develop new fine motor skills and social skills, discover his own likes and dislikes. Basically, your little baby is beginning to grow wings of independence. At times all this new independence can be overwhelming for him.
A consistent routine helps the toddler feel a sense of calm and security. He knows what is expected in the day and feels reassured in the comfort a routine provides.
If you don’t have a routine in place yet, take a few moments and map out all the activities your two years old loves to do in the day. Then plan a daily routine with these activities and other essential daily tasks. Here is a look at our routine at 2 years of age.
Routine for a 2-year-old
7 am-8:30 am Wake up, read books, brush teeth, free play [he chooses what toys to play with. I sit close by with my cup of tea and we play together]
8:30 am-9 am Breakfast
9 am-12:30 pm More free play and on some days a few structured learning activities. Activities and toys like puzzles, building blocks, vehicles, busy books, kitchen utensils, pretend play, water play, play dough, stickers, and artwork are perfect to engage 2-year-olds.
11 am-12:30 pm More free play/reading books/ watch a movie (Sunday is movie day in our home)
12:30 pm-1pm Lunch
1 pm-2 pm Listen to nursery rhymes, tell stories and naptime
2 pm-4 pm Naptime
4 pm-5 pm Snack and free play
5 pm-7 pm Park
7 pm-7:30 pm Dinner
7:30 pm Bath
8 pm-8:30 pm Bedtime routine [brush teeth, read books, tell stories, hugs, cuddles and off to sleep.]
Safe play space
They say a child’s play is his work, and two-year-olds are like busy bees tinkering and exploring all day long. Therefore, it is important to build safe play spaces for your toddler to use and explore.
Instead of being anxious all the time about your two-year-old hurting himself and then passing on that anxiety to your child through too many instructions on how to play, create a safe play area.
Most of your daily struggles with your child will end when you baby proof your home and start giving the toddler the independence to freely move in his space.
If your two year old wants to help you with chores, that is wonderful too. This interest should be welcomed. Your child wants to be part of family life and there is no better life skill you can teach than self-reliance.
Relax your expectations on perfect work and welcome the messes. Buy age-appropriate tools for your two year old to be able to hold and help you around the house so you don’t worry about his safety around adult-sized tools.
Coming to the big issue many parents face around 2 years of age. Anger.
Its hard to stay calm when it feels like all your child is doing all day is make life harder for you. But over a period of time, I have realized that a lot of the 2 year old behavior issues stem from the home environment and how much my child is feeling heard.
At age 2 it is still a lot of guesswork for the parents, understanding what exactly is the trigger for defiance and misbehavior like hitting, biting or screaming.
Before you jump the gun and conclude it’s your child fault or question him “why did you throw this?” or “why did you hit your sister?” etc, etc.
Think about what could lead to the child’s reaction. A 2-year-old cannot appropriately express his feelings in words, so him giving you an answer is quite rare. Instead, take a step back and assess what happened in the moment of the reaction yourself.
Once you know the reason you can comfort your child, make him feel safe and then verbalize for him what exactly happened so he starts to connect the dots and understand his emotions better.
For example, say your children are playing close to each other and your two year old was busy coloring. His younger sister comes along and pulls the crayon out of his hand. Your 2-year-old gets upset about being interrupted and losing his crayon and hits his younger sister. What do you do?
You can say, “Our hands are not for hitting. I see you felt bad your sister took your crayon.”
Then offer a solution to his problem “Here is another one for you” or “Let us count to 5 until your sister uses the crayon and take turns.”
In the meantime, let’s say the other child is crying because she got hit, you can showcase to your child how he can make amends and help her feel better.
Say, “Looks like your sister is hurt, let us give her a tap on her hand and comfort her/bring her a toy/ bring a glass of water.” Whatever suits that moment, but a way for him to make amends for his previous actions without shaming him.
If hitting happens consistently in different situations, that is a behavior that needs to be corrected. How do you do this in a positive and helpful way?
You can read books on topics around empathy, and sharing, like this one. I love this book, it has beautiful illustrations and simple examples of how to show more empathy towards others. Most age-appropriate for children in the 2-3 year age group.
Books like, Hands are not for hitting is also another example of bringing in conversation around the behavior. Reading books leads to conversation and sometimes offers you new insight into your child’s behavior. You can use this insight in tweaking your solutions to current challenges.
This was an example of how you handle challenging behavior in your home without resorting to punishments and screaming.
Discipline using scare tactics like yelling and time out does not yield positive results. You can teach nothing by scaring or intimidating your child.
Instead by consistently teaching your child to name emotions and problem solve you help them see the reason why a certain behavior is wrong and how to manage one’s emotions in a constructive manner.
Having an emotional outburst is not wrong, in fact, it is normal and we want our children to know its okay to express. But how to express without causing harm and in a way that we are communicating effectively is what needs teaching.
Once parents start taking on a problem-solving approach many of the misbehaviors begin to disappear and you settle into a calmer family life with fewer tantrums.
This gentle parenting approach has helped us a lot. I would urge you to read these 3 posts to understand how to manage difficult situations better.
Having rules sets expectations and gives the child certain responsibilities that make life easier for everyone. Do not make a long list of rules for 2-year-olds. Focus on 4-5 rules that give your child a better understanding of how to manage his own tasks.
We have some simple rules that we all follow together as a family, some are beginner-level manners to get him started on proper personal hygiene and others are around managing emotions through communication so it doesn’t escalate into a tantrum.
In the 2’s I only focused on these, and gradually added more in his three’s. It requires consistent work, but at age 3 I already see a lot of improvement in these areas.
Here are the rules we consistently worked on at age 2;
Wash hands and face on entering the home from a trip outside.
Wash hands and face before and after each meal.
Table manners like using cutlery, glasses, no throwing food, keep food you don’t like on the side of the plate instead of throwing.
Use words instead of whining. Every time we are in a cranky or whiny situation we simply remind, “ Use your words please” This encourages our son to speak and articulate what he is feeling and we avoid tantrums.
Limit and replace the use of “no” with more positive instructions or messages.
At age 2 simple instructions get the best responses. Two-year-olds don’t need explanations on why safety is important or why certain behavior is bad they need to know what to do instead. More on effective toddler discipline here.
By age 3 you can start giving more information on why we do things a certain way. That’s when they are receptive to the “Why”, right now keep it short and simple.
Consistent Limits
In all things parenting, if you cannot stay consistent you will face challenging behavior. Deciding on your core family values and then consistently working on these values through the daily routine, stories, and conversations is very important.
It’s important that your child’s innate learning and exploration desires are not curtailed but certain limits for safety or managing emotional responses need to be in place. As parents, it is your job to set these limits for your children. This offers a structure that the toddler can fall back on when he feels overwhelmed.
Use play as a tool
One of the easiest ways to get your toddler to listen to you when you are in a rush is to make a game out of the thing you need him to do. We do this most mornings as we dress for school. We put on a 2 min timer and he rushes to dress before the time is up.
Storytelling also works in most cases.
An article I came across recently showcased how traditional Inuit parenting does not use yelling or scolding as a tool to discipline. There are no time outs and no punishments. Instead, the Inuit’s use storytelling and play to discipline.
These are oral stories passed down from one generation of Inuit to the next, designed to sculpt kids’ behaviors at the moment. Sometimes even save their lives.
Storytelling is universal across human cultures. For tens of thousands of years, it has been the tool that parents use to teach children about values and how to behave.
So the next time you are in a verbal deadlock with your child and wondering how to get him to listen, spin out a story about that situation and watch him follow along.
All this talk about the terrible twos might make you focus on the areas that need work. This does not mean you ignore the times the toddler actually does things the expected way. Give him a little encouragement with your words,
Example: “I see you put your toys back. Now we have a clean space for tomorrow”.
Set the expectations
This works for certain day to day activities or when you need to travel or socialize with your child.
Give the child a heads up of what is expected from the situation and prepare him mentally. This reduces possible stranger anxiety or tantrums.
Need to leave in 15 mins for the park and your 2-year-old is busy with a puzzle?
Give him a heads up. “We have 10 mins to play, and we are done, off to park for us”.
5 mins later give another heads up. In most cases, the child wraps up his game on his own and the entire situation moves along with ease.
How we talk and prepare the child for different situations they will encounter is key to a happy and settled child at the moment.
Whenever you are visiting a new place/party, or a new set of people talk to the child beforehand about what to expect. Give him an idea of what will happen, who he will meet and how you will be interacting (includes social nicety).
When you arrive at the new setting allow your child to take his time to adjust. There is no rush to be social. The child is observing you as you socialize and connecting the dots between what you mentioned about this day and what is happening at the moment.
Give him time to go through the moment on his own. If he does not want to interact, do not force him. No need to force the child to say hello or thank you.
If he finds the new situation overwhelming take a breather and go outside for a moment. Mention to your hosts, “he needs a little more time, once he is ready he will join us”. Most importantly let him know you are there for him, helping him with this new situation.
Continue modeling the behavior you expect from your child. Definitely, do not stop socializing because of a stray event where your child was overwhelmed. And most importantly do not make your child feel guilty by scolding him about his shyness.
Messy play or sensory play as we call it uses all the senses: sight, sound, touch, smell, and taste. This type of play allows a toddler to be able to identify what they are playing with more deeply and better than just seeing things.
Sensory play allows the child to work out where he ends and where the world begins. How the world around him feels and is different from him.
It allows children to develop a more expressive language as they grow. The more they touch and feel the more they understand about the world they are living in.
Sensory play also allows the child to calm down. This is why it can be used as a tool to teach emotional regulation to younger kids. Read here to learn more about the benefits of sensory play for kids.
One of the reasons I am a strong proponent of baby-led weaning too is for this very reason. Getting messy is important for a child’s development.
The more a child explores his food through touch, taste and smells the better his language skills. Better language skills mean you can better understand your child and help him with any unpleasant emotional state.
Plan all activities keeping the toddler’s current state in mind. No child is going to be able to follow along when he is thirsty, hungry or tired. When you build a routine plan your activities considering these constraints and you won’t have a meltdown.
I understand sometimes it’s not possible to avoid certain social meetings or appointments just because it’s your toddler’s nap time. In such a situation brace your self and hope for the best.
We all had toddlers throwing a tantrum in the wrong place at the wrong time, make a joke about it and try to ease the stress of those around you in that situation.
Hopefully, there are not going to be too many such instances so we just breathe through it.
In the end, all I want you to remember in those tough moments is that this is just a phase, terrible twos is part of normal 2 year old behavior and soon your kids will be learning how to regulate their emotions better and express their feelings to you.
Stay strong until then mama, and give your child all the love he needs as he navigates this phase in development.
I hope all the tips listed here help you in some way in your motherhood journey. Let me know in the comments below some of the challenges you face when dealing with the terrible two’s and we can problem-solve together.
Pediatric Nutrition Consultant | FOUNDER & EDITOR AT EASYMOMMYLIFE.COM
I’m a mom to two by day and the Editor-in-Chief of Easy Mommy Life by night. This blog is where evidence-based child nutrition meets the wonderfully messy reality of everyday family life.
Here, you’ll find practical guidance on picky eating, balanced meals, healthy kid-friendly recipes, and research-backed parenting advice - all created to help modern parents make confident choices without adding more stress to their already busy lives.
