There are many situations in our day to day that are shaping how our children view themselves and their capabilities. These situations demand our attention and the use of mindful language. A language that supports and encourages the child. A language that makes the child feel loved yet one that encourages independence and endeavor. In today’s post we will look at a few examples of how you can use encouraging phrases for kids to lift their spirits and motivate them when they need it.
Developmentally too, toddlers and preschoolers are going through a whirlwind of emotions and trying to figure out what each means and how to process these feelings.
I love Generation Mindful resources for raising emotionally healthy children. From courses on Positive Parenting to Toolkits like the time-in toolkit and peacemakers toolkit that help children process emotions, these resources provide families with valuable information on to raise a healthy new generation. Check them out here.
It is our job as parents to teach children about emotions and how to regulate what they feel. Our encouraging words help them name their feelings, feel validated and at the same time pushes them to keep trying.
If there is one key skill for the future it is Emotional Intelligence and parents must be focusing on developing this skill alongside the pursuit of academic excellence.
ENCOURAGING PHRASES FOR KIDS
Encouraging phrases for kids to show love
I love you
I am so proud of you
You make my heart full
You are valuable to our family
You are such a good friend
You bring joy to my life
I love being your mom
I love spending time with you
You are my sunshine
Encouraging phrases for kids to motivate them to keep trying
I see you are trying
You almost got it
Keep trying
I believe in you
Let’s try one more time
Every mistake is a chance to learn something
It’s okay to make a mistake, I make mistakes too.
How can we make this right?
How can we improve on this?
Let us try until we figure it out
You can try again later
Maybe you need a break, and try again later?
You are so hardworking
You are really trying your best
That was a great effort
I see you are improving
You are getting better!
There, you got it!
Pause, think then act
It is not all about winning
Learning is a process
It is okay to mess up
How do you want me to help you?
Let us try your way
I know you can do it
You are learning and growing
Encouraging phrases for kids when they are going through a tough time
I am here to listen
You can say No
Everything will be okay
It’s a new day tomorrow
I am here if you need me
You can tell me anything
I feel your pain
This is hard for you
If I was in your shoes—-
Let’s breathe together
It is okay to worry
You are safe. I will keep you safe.
Encouraging phrases for kids to boost self-esteem and confidence.
You are such a good helper
That’s a good memory!
I appreciate your help
That is kind of you
You are so fun to be around
You make me laugh
You have a great idea
Good thinking
I had no idea you could do this! That is impressive!
You did it all by yourself!
That is a great question
So the next time, your child says, “I can’t do it”, maybe you can consider some of these encouraging phrases to help boost their confidence.
To get started on your gentle parenting journey I recommend you start here
Toddler years are the first time many parents start to experience a disconnect with their child. It is frustrating for parents trying to establish firm boundaries to face a constant rule-defying child.
Why does this happen?
Well, the problem usually lies in unrealistic expectations from the child.
And the answer lies in setting age-appropriate expectations.
From my personal experience and talking with 100’s of mothers on Instagram and now proved through this survey, I can tell you that most friction between parents and toddlers occurs because of incorrect expectations placed on a child that’s not yet ready.
I am happy to collaborate with my friend and fellow Gentle Parenting mama, Vaishali from Amma Today, and share with you information on how to make your life with your toddler more peaceful with less drama.
Age-appropriate expectations from toddlers
Let us look at some common areas of struggle for parents and understand what is appropriate to expect from a toddler.
SLEEP
Sleep is a big concern for many parents. Parents are fussing over skipping of the day-time nap (that one big break mothers look forward to in the day) and multiple waking’s in the night.
Sleep deprivation is one of the biggest triggers for anger in parents. So, I get your frustration over your toddler’s seemingly erratic sleep patterns. But let me assure you that what you are experiencing is fairly normal for toddlers.
What are the normal expectations for sleep in toddlers?
Toddlers need about 12-13 hours of sleepevery 24 hours. This sleep is usually broken down into 10-12 hours at night, followed by a nap of 1-2 hours during the day.
During the toddler years, the child is increasingly aware of his surroundings, the happenings in and around his home environment and more connected to his caregivers. This often means that the child will try to delay bedtime and stay up with the family.
It is okay to establish certain rules around bedtime, but this entire routine will take a while to set and until then you will need to provide a consistent framework.
Less than 5% of two-year-olds wake three or more times at night. (source)
Now with regards to sleeping through the night, I found this fascinating study that suggests that the norms around sleep need to be revised for breastfed toddlers.
It said that the published norms for infant sleep/wake patterns during the first 2 years of life included an increase in the length of maximum sleep bout from four to five to eight to ten hours by 4 months but a little decrease in total sleep in 24 hours from 13 to 15 hours.
The study followed thirty-two breast-fed infants for 2 years and collected data on 24-hour patterns of nursing and sleep.
It found that infants who were breastfed into the second year did not develop sleep/wake patterns in conformance with the norms. Instead of having long unbroken sleep at night, they continued to sleep in short bouts with frequent wakings for feeds. Their total sleep in 24 hours was less than that of weaned infants.
This pattern was most pronounced in infants who both nursed and shared a bed with the mother, common practices in many non-western cultures.
Therefore the sleep/wake development accepted as the physiologic norm may be attributable to the early weaning and separated sleeping practiced in western culture.
As prolonged breastfeeding becomes more popular in our society, the norms of sleep/wake patterns in infancy will have to be revised. (source)
FOOD
Now the second most important parenting concern and cause for much frustration and stress is food intake.
What is considered age-appropriate in terms of eating patterns and behaviors in young children?
Here are 4 points you need to consider as you set your expectations around food
Growth slows down in the toddler years as compared to baby-hood. This means that toddlers’ food intake will reduce.
Most toddlers are picky eaters, this goes back to the evolutionary protectionist behavior in toddlers. Toddlers being explorers used to roam free and were exposed to different plants and herbs some of which could be poisonous. This protective instinct helped them from accidentally eating a poisonous plant.
Another important point to note is that around one year of age they finally begin to understand what they eat and can exert a level of control on how much they can eat. This brings with it a certain level of self-protection and guards against different flavors and textures. They crave sameness and consistency. This mechanism helps them feel safe and protected in a period where they are rapidly developing new skills such as speech, walking, running, climbing, certain new cognitive skills, etc.
Most toddlers also do not yet possess functional independence, this means they cannot yet eat without making a mess, but they need the opportunity to eat independently and learn how to self-feed. Messy eating is a part of growing up and learning to eat independently, therefore parents who continue to feed their children because they make a mess when they eat are having unrealistic expectations, which in turn robs the child of the opportunity to learn how to eat on his own.
All of this is part of normal growth and development in the toddler years. As parents, you may need to readjust your expectations around the quantity of food consumed per meal (look at this guide here) and allow some messes to be made.
I will add here though, that toddler years are a great time to start working on those table manners and basic mealtime routines. Explain in short sentences and simple words what is expected at the table.
Our son went through a phase of throwing food off the plate;
I had to repeat many times,
“When you don’t like something, keep it on the side of the plate”
When it went on a few more times, I used to lay down a natural consequence.
“We don’t throw food in our house. I will take away your plate if you continue throwing food off the plate.”
And I followed through on my consequence when throwing continued.
In time he got it and stopped the habit.
In the meantime, as we worked on this behavior I also tried my best to understand why throwing was happening.
After a bit of trial and error I figured, when a lot of different foods were placed on his plate, especially in larger quantities, he was overwhelmed. His response was to eat a little and then throw foods off the plate.
Once I understood this, I changed the way I served him food. We started by offering him only one tablespoon of each food on the plate when we served. He could ask for more as he finished. This strategy worked really well.
So the combination of me changing his exposure to bad behavior causing circumstance and applying natural consequences when things got out of hand helped us get through to our son and stop the unwanted behavior.
BEHAVIOR
Toddlers are going through an emotional whirlwind. This is the first time they are experiencing feelings like anger, guilt, shame, frustration, and their tiny brains cannot process these big emotions.
Understanding where your toddler is at emotionally can help parents manage toddler tantrums and unpredictable behaviors.
Offer them age-appropriate choices so they feel a sense of control.
And help them name these new emotions they are going through so they learn to recognize the emotion.
Coach your toddler on how to cope with certain feelings.
The following blog posts will give you exact strategies for handling emotions in toddlers.
Discipline literally means to teach and has nothing to do with punishment. Unfortunately, many parents think of discipline as punishing the child.
In a recent survey, it was found that employees would rather take a pay cut in favor of a better work-life balance. Extrinsic motivators like higher tiles and pay did not lead to more productivity at work. But a work environment that provided employees more control over their lives lead to more intrinsically motivated staff who work better.
This same human psychology works in children.
The more you give your children agency in life, the more settled and cooperative they will be.
Our children need safe spaces to move in. And until they can figure it out themselves they need guidance on the subject of safety and how to treat those around them. Guidance, not punishments or shaming. You can call this a period of “hand-holding.”
Children thrive on routines, therefore provide children with a solid routine. A routine adds to sense security and calm.
At the same time understand that any change in routine be it travel, the arrival of a younger sibling, starting school will cause a shift in toddler behavior.
Give your child some grace during such periods and with consistency bring them back to the routine.
Instead of time-outs consider a time-in with the parent. Allow the child some space to figure out what went wrong in the heat of the moment.
At the same time give him the comfort of knowing that his parents love him regardless of his actions.
Certain situations do warrant a more firm approach and for these situations, parents can use Natural Consequences. To understand how to help your child through the chaos and set natural consequences read, Vaishali’s post here.
SOCIALIZATION AND SHARING
Around age 2, parents start making a lot of effort into helping the child socialize. This may be done through play dates or enrolling the child in playgroup.
But for the large part toddlers are still involved in parallel play and may not yet be ready to engage in cooperative play.
Some toddlers also go through stranger anxiety which can make socialization challenging.
How can parents help?
Well, first off, readjust your expectations on what toddler socialization looks like.
Parallel play is as important as cooperative play. Go to the park and on playdates. Your child is observing how other children play, how they talk and engage with those around. Mixed-age groups are very enriching for toddlers to learn from. So, don’t stop social outings because you feel your child is not engaging with those around.
Many parents also make a big deal out of sharing. Sharing happens when the child wants to engage in cooperative play (you will see this skill develop somewhere around age 4). 2-3-year-olds are not yet ready to share their toys and you should not force them to do the same.
You can, however, teach the child to take turns when playing in a group and practice self-control at home through different games. Games like “stop and go”, “lock and key” are great to get toddlers used to following simple instructions and practice controlling impulse.
At the same time, we don’t want to label our children selfish or punish them for skills that are not yet developed and ones that even when developed take long to be established.
My hope with this post is that parents understand that most of the chaos in our parenting lives is self-created when we lack empathy and have unrealistic expectations from our children.
Understanding toddler’s limitations and setting age-appropriate expectations avoid a lot of frustrations and disappointments. How we talk with our children and the expectations we have from them builds their confidence and makes them emotionally resilient in the long run.
What are some of the challenges you face as a toddler mom? Do these stem from unrealistic expectations?
Easy Mommy life completes another successful year and I thought it would be wonderful to roundup some of the viewer’s favorites here.
Each of these posts was once a challenge I faced as a mother. It took me a while to figure out a solution or a system to solve these problems. Once I felt like I had sufficient expertise in these areas of parenting I was ready to share what worked for me.
And as I guessed right, these same challenges troubled other parents in my audience and they were ready to make the changes and find creative solutions. That is why these posts are read and re-read because all of us have faced at least one of these challenges in our parenting stints so far.
If you are struggling with controlling your anger around your kids, this post is for you. Learn how to become a calmer parent and bring back a more peaceful routine to your home.
Here are the exact phrases you can use when your toddler doesn’t listen. Get my gentle parenting strategies and create a peaceful home routine with your kids. Earn your child’s trust and become problem solvers with these perspective-changing tips.
Get my practical tips on how to reduce screen time for kids. This post will help you navigate through screen time rules and figure out how much screen time is okay for your children.
Many parents complain that their toddler doesn’t listen. Well, first off toddlers are beginning to assert for themselves which is a good thing developmentally. But they may not always have a complete understanding of situations around them, including risk assessment or social etiquette. Besides, the toddler’s brain is still developing impulse control, which makes it really hard for them to wait for things or resist temptation.
Does that mean we resort to traditional disciplinarian methods of parenting and use scare tactics, yelling, and punishments to make the toddler listen? No!
Scaring or punishing a child to discipline is not going to teach the child about why his/her actions are wrong or what the consequences are.
I found the book, How to talk so little kids will listen instrumental in creating a calmer transition to the twos and threes. This book gives insight into the toddler’s mindset and how parents can effectively communicate with their toddlers and help them follow along.
Here are 10 phrases I use regularly that work like magic in situations when my toddler doesn’t listen.
PHRASES TO USE WHEN YOUR TODDLER DOESN’T LISTEN
We aregoing to leave in 15 minutes. Instead of we have to leave now. Hurry up!
Prepare your child for what is coming next. Most times knowing about the next plan in the day, helps the child wrap up whatever it is they are doing. It gives the child a timeframe to work with. No one likes to be interrupted when they are immersed in deep focussed work. The same goes for your toddler. He may be busy playing in deep focus. Giving him a heads up prepares him to finish up his game. This way you avoid tantrums at the last minute.
The same phrase works when we are about to get into unfamiliar social settings. For example; “We are going to meet my cousin from the US. He.…(give more information)” This way when the new person enters or introduces himself the child already has some information and doesn’t panic and go into stranger anxiety mode. A simple heads up works in most situations.
Setting a strong family routine keeps most of the tantrums away. Children thrive on routines as they know what is expected of them at each point of the day. If setting strong routines is challenging for you, check the Family Routine’s e-course by Pulling Curls.
What I liked about the program is how it teaches you to set solid routines while giving you a framework to leave more “margins” in your day. This allows you to tackle the unexpected easily, and we all know a happy mommy equals happy kids. Check this life-changing course here.
2. Do you want pizza or pasta for dinner?
Offer a choice.
Do you want to join the party or do you want some time outside before you join in?
Do you want the red pants or the blue ones?
Offering a choice allows the child to be in control of the situation. And once again the child is more receptive to participate along once he feels ready to take on the next task.
Make sure to keep the options limited between two, so that its easier for the child to make up his mind.
3. I see you are finding it difficult to open the lid, do you need help?
If we jump in and help without asking, the toddler will resist and a tantrum ensues. A toddler needs his independence so giving up on something he is trying out has to be his own decision.
By simply asking if he needs help, you are allowing the toddler to take charge of the situation and decide for himself if he does, in fact, need help.
4. Can you use your words, please? Instead of stop whining
This simple request encourages the toddler to express as best he can. Remember to use a very calm tone as you request the child to use his words, you don’t want to come off asking in a stern tone. The parent’s tone of voice is key to holding communications in the right manner.
5. Let’s use gentle hands with the baby. Instead of saying, “Stop doing this” or ” Stop grabbing the baby”
When around a baby, for example, you want your child to be careful, you can ask him to use a gentle touch. Show how a gentle touch looks like.
If the rough play goes on after repeated reminders it is best to move the child away to another play station.
For more in-depth help with disciplining your child and getting him to listen without yelling, shaming, blaming, or remindingyou must check out this online positive parenting course.
This course offers you practical advice and gives you the tools to gain a deeper understanding of yourself, your triggers, how to connect with your child in playful ways, and create a more peaceful home.
6. I am not okay with you getting wet in the rain, because I am afraid you will fall sick. Instead of, stop, don’t walk in the rain.
When you are not comfortable with what your toddler is doing, be it getting wet in the rain, or some sort of risky play use this phrase it works like magic.
The moment I tell my son about my concerns and why I don’t want him to play a certain way, he is more understanding.
I will say, I am not okay with you running on the side of the road, I am afraid you will hurt yourself or,
I am not okay with you getting wet in the rain, because I am afraid you will catch a cold.
7. Let us add this to our wish list
Every parent has faced the tantrum in a store. When the child wants something and wants it right now.
We can’t always give in and buy what they want.
There are two ways I tackle this situation. One is by saying, “Let us add this to our wishlist”. Then I pull out a piece of paper and write it down. I discuss with our son about why we aren’t going to buy now, but I would be happy to include it on the running wishlist.
We have designated times of the year we buy toys, like birthdays and festivals. I pull out the list then and we go through the list together. Sometimes he is no longer interested in some of the toys on the list, at other times I give him a choice to buy 1-2 from his list.
This way he learns to wait in order to buy something and he gets to reconsider a decision. Is it something I really want? You will be surprised how many times it’s the child who will say to you, no, I don’t want that toy anymore.
At other times, I simply, get down to his level and explain to him why we cannot buy that certain toy and how I wish could buy him many many toys, but we can’t, we need to use what we already own first. Again, you may feel that a little child will not agree to reason, but once you start to hold a mature conversation, children are very understanding.
In the book How to talk so little kids will listen the authors list out a fantastic tip that works with younger toddlers during a tantrum and helps them calm down.
If your younger toddler is crying for ice cream for example, simply take out a piece of paper and start drawing it out for the child. You can say, “Let me draw this, so I don’t forget to buy it for you the next time. Let’s see, a triangle for the cone and maybe some sprinkles?” Ask your child to join in. Before you know it, your little one is distracted with the drawing and you can move on.
Believe me, when I first read this in the book, I thought to myself, no-way this works. But it did! Acknowledging the child’s feelings through art helps the child feel heard, acts as a tool to calm down and regulate and once the child is calm you can move on.
I also keep my promise. I usually defer buying him the ice-cream or chocolate to the next up-coming family event. Maybe it is his sister’s birthday next month, we can eat ice-cream then and I make sure to follow-through with my promise.
It is not possible to give in to every demand and this distraction tool helps with emotion handling for 2 year olds. Through art children learn to express how they feel in the moment which is a great start for future conflict resolution.
8. It is okay to be sad/cry
Sometimes when faced with big emotions instead of saying “stop crying/ you are a big girl/boy now” accept the emotion for them. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to cry.
Acknowledging the feelings helps the child calm down, understand the emotions he is feeling, and make it okay for him to be able to express to you. We want our children to know that it is important to express all feelings, good and bad. That expressing emotion is a healthy exercise.
9. I am going to wait for you to calm down
When no amount of talking and calming down help, it is best to take a step back and allow the child a moment to calm down and self reflect.
You can stay close and say I am going to wait for you to calm down. This phrase works so well for us, both of us end up in a hug moments later and move on to resolving the problem at hand. Sometimes all your child needs is a little space and time to do the self-work.
10. Let us start over- 1, 2, 3…
Some situations demand a do-over. There can be days when everything is just going wrong and you are facing tantrum after tantrum. You may resort to yelling and screaming. But you can change the situation.
Start over
Get down to the child’s level, acknowledge that the day has been rough for both of you, that you don’t want it to continue this way. And then hold hands, take a deep breath count to three and start over.
Save this pin to get back to this list of phrases you can use with your toddler.
Most importantly,
Remember, there will be times when nothing will work. Your toddler understands that he has expressed his emotions in an unpalatable way. He may not know how to change the situation and go back to calm. But he needs the reassurance that things are still okay, between the two of you.
Here it is important for the parent to say, I Love You. It helps the child feel reassured that your love for them is not dependent on his actions.
Yes, certain actions are unacceptable, but that does not mean you stop loving them.
It is quite possible that the child feels his actions may cause you to stop loving him. And we need him to understand that a parent’s love is unconditional. That you are his safe place to vent and be. That you will guide him and help him through challenging situations.
It can get very difficult as parents to remain calm when we are in the midst of a tantrum but remember you are helping your child learn how to channel his emotions. I feel handling tantrums is one of the most challenging tasks parents have to deal with and at the same time the base to how the relationship will turn out in the future.
That is why I give a lot of importance to helping with emotions because somewhere hidden behind those emotions lie, my sons, true thoughts and feelings about me and our relationship.
Each challenging moment is a moment for us to practice how to trust each other, and how to get creative at solving the problem. They are learning moments and help our relationship grow stronger.
Aggression in 3-year-olds can take many parents by surprise. As adults, we view aggressive behavior as unhealthy and inherently wrong. So when we first encounter aggression in 3-year-olds (some 2-year-olds also exhibit these aggressive behaviors) we are shocked and feel as if we are failing to raise a good human being.
Okay, before you start stressing about your aggressive 3 year old, let me assure you, what you are experiencing is a normal part of emotional and behavioral development in young children. Most preschoolers will hit, kick, bite, jump, or yell when they are overwhelmed by emotions. Children act out in an aggressive manner when they feel threatened or frustrated by a problem.
WHY DO PRESCHOOLERS GET AGGRESSIVE?
The most common tantrums that lead up to aggressive behavior in 3-year-olds are
need for your attention,
to gain access to certain toys, activities or foods, or
disagreement with your plans for that moment/follow routine.
The child is still learning how to appropriately express his needs or disagreement and sometimes the need or moment gets bigger than him.
How to control one’s impulses and solve conflicts in a socially acceptable way is still an undeveloped skill in this age group.
Such aggressive behavior, therefore, is normal for 2-4-year-olds. You may notice aggression peaks by age 3 and starts to decrease after age 4. (source)
HOW CAN I HELP MY 3 YEAR OLD WITH AGGRESSION?
Stay calm
The first thing you need to do when your child hits, bites or yells is stay calm. Any reaction from you can motivate the child to keep repeating his actions. At the moment you are setting an example for your child of how one reacts when provoked. Do not join in his chaos, help him understand and learn through you how big emotions are dealt with. Explain calmly, “hands are not for hitting, or I can’t let you hurt your sister/friend.”
When the child’s actions can pose harm to another child or adult, remove him from the situation. Do not wait until harm is done. At age 3 most children are verbal. You can wait until the child has calmed down or moved on to other things to bring up the subject again and talk about how we handle difficult situations. This is the conversation where you reiterate limits, for example, “hands are not for hitting, no throwing sand on other kids, it can hurt others”.
Stick to your expectations and limits
At age 3 many temper tantrums may be for access to certain privileges like screen time or certain favorite food. When denied the child lashes out in a violent tantrum. At moments like this, it is important for the parent to stay calm, reassuring, and consistent with the set limits.
Reassure your child you care for him and stick to the set expectations. For example: I worry about your eyes that is why I cannot let you watch more T.V.
4. Be realistic about your child’s ability to follow house rules.
Set age-appropriate rules and expectations for your child. A 3-year-old may not be able to complete a task around the house without making a mess. Expect the messes and work around providing more opportunities for independence.
3-year-olds especially are beginning to enjoy the risky play. They are testing the limits of their bodies.
When children are unable to explore tasks independently that pent up frustration comes out as aggression.
Creating safe spaces for exploration and play is important for the child to develop confidence and a healthy emotional state.
Be realistic about qualities such as empathy and sharing.
Many 3-year-olds have not yet developed impulse-control. Therefore sharing or taking turns can create situations of conflict. Even so, the child requires more opportunities to play in groups and learn through observation what sharing looks like.
If your child has a favorite toy that can cause conflict at a play date or at the park, do not bring that toy along.
Three-year-olds will protect their interests when threatened, and may not be willing to share with another child.
When we go for play dates, I make sure to buy a small toy or gift for the other child and ask my son to gift the other child. This simple act of gifting brings him joy and settles him into a happy mood more willing to participate in group play.
Tune in, listen, and learn.
Our job as parents is to shape the world around the child. When the child is throwing aggressive tantrums frequently, it indicates something that’s lacking in his environment. Often the first questions to ask ourselves are
Is our child feeling loved?
Does he get enough time with his parents?
Does he feel threatened by a new situation- the birth of a new sibling? or simply,
Overtired, hungry, or sleepy.
All these situations can bring about aggressive behaviors in three-year-olds. The situations indicate unmet needs and the tantrum a way for the child to express his needs.
Understand the cause of the aggressiveness and take action to change the environment to suit the child. Results are almost always immediate. Solving the root cause of the disturbance yields better results than temporary solutions like offering a treat or distractions like T.V and screens.
Allow the child the freedom to express his feelings. Encourage talk and spend one on one time every day with your child. I know this sounds simple, but our busy lives and routines sometimes do not allow us to spend uninterrupted time with our children. I always felt like I know my child’s heart better when I have spent time with him, he feels more settled around me and I have insight into his challenges that help me help him better.
The days I have been busier at work, the distance between us becomes obvious and sure enough, I start to see cracks in his generally settled behavior.
Over a period of time, I found that one on one time spent with parents is one of the ways to resolve any of the challenging behaviors we face.
AGGRESSION IN 3-YEAR-OLDS – WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR CHILD HITS, BITES, OR GETS ROUGH
How to help an angry child calm down
Name the emotion or describe what happened
As much as is possible try to find out what led to the angry outburst and name the emotion for your child. For example: “You are upset your sister took your blocks”
I find this My Feelings Card Set quite useful in helping children understand and name emotions. It creates awareness about what to expect and how the child can act after a violent episode.
Do not shame the child for expressing violently, but reiterate limits
For example, “Our hands are not for hitting/ I will not let you hurt your sister/ I cannot let you spoil the mattress”(While gently pulling the child away from the situation)
Offer a solution/distraction
Let us build blocks here away from sister/ Move sister away with another toy/ Or offer a similar-looking toy/crayon/block.
Help the child make amends
When the child has hurt another child/adult you can say something like this;”Looks like sister got hurt, let us give her a pat on her arm and comfort her”
Ignore a rough play when possible
Sometimes I ignore rough play if it is happening in a safe space and does not have the potential to cause the child or those around him hurt. I try as much as is possible to bite my tongue and not say anything. Counting to 10 helps me in this case. Most times he gives up his rough play after a few tries.
At this age, a lot of it is the inner desire to experiment with things around him.
If I feel his rough play is going to harm him in some way, I ask him to “Use gentle hands/ Walk slowly/ or I describe the potential harm the object he is playing with can cause so he can understand it better and then distract to another toy/task.
Channel that energy so he can express correctly
Often during a violent tantrum, all the child needs is a way to vent. You can offer a pillow to punch, paper to tear, or color. These activities help the child calm down. I start by punching the pillow myself and showing how I can get that frustration out.
A quick tip: What to say instead of No
One trick that worked for me with my son is to say what I expect as if he already embodies that command. If he is around a baby and engaging in rough play, I will say “You want to show me how you can be gentle when you play with baby”. Or “You are so gentle around the baby.”
These simple positive statements show I trust in him and 90% of the time, he follows through wanting to show me how well he can handle that situation. Sometimes he backs off if he feels he cannot do what I stated. A simple tip that works in many tricky situations instead of saying “No, don’t do this/that.”
Children act out in an aggressive manner when they are fearful, frustrated, or threatened by a certain situation. They want to protect their own interests. Show them how they can without harming others around them.
I hope these tips and tricks help you resolve some of the aggression in your 3-year-olds. Do leave me a comment if you need help with a specific scenario. Until then be the calm to your child’s chaos.
If you are a parent, chances are by now you may have heard of Gentle Parenting.
It is a new parenting style that is gaining a lot of acceptance from parents tired of struggling with discipline and challenging behaviors in the early childhood years.
When we grew up parenting was more authoritarian. You listen to the elders in the family or else you get punished/spanked. Understanding the child’s point of view was not really commonplace.
Our parents are not to be blamed, they did what they thought was the right way at the time. But as more research has come ahead we now know this style of dominant parenting caused a lot of damage in the long term, especially with regard to the social and emotional development of children.
WHAT IS GENTLE PARENTING?
Gentle Parenting is a way to parent through connection, understanding, and empathy. Where you treat the child as you would an adult, with respect. A strong emphasis is given to understanding and communicating, over bribes and punishments.
L.R. Knost describes Gentle Parenting as “guiding instead of controlling, connecting instead of punishing, encouraging instead of demanding.”
It took a while for me to write this blog post for you because I wanted to experience the so-called terrible twos and threes to see if Gentle Parenting really worked.
And the answer is a big “Yes” The success we experienced by using Gentle parenting (Positive parenting/Peaceful parenting; I think all these terms fall in the same category) techniques are worth sharing with other parents.
I know how hard parenting can be, especially when you are doing all of this for the first time, sometimes solo (my husband travels a lot!) and without a support system. It is difficult. No sugar coating it. But, gentle parenting is offering us a way to get on the same page as our children and lead a more peaceful parenting life with very little struggle.
In this post, I will talk about the 4 pillars of gentle parenting in our home. 4 important aspects that we focus on as a family.
These are not the only values to consider, there can be more for other families, but these 4 important points helped my husband and me on our Gentle parenting journey.
4 PILLARS OF GENTLE PARENTING
RESPECT
Treat children as you would treat another adult. It is really as simple as that. Yet how many of us talk to our children as if we own them?
The child senses when he is treated as an equal and is more willing to work with you.
A child seeks your attention and respect. Even though he may be unable to articulate in words, the feelings of being included, loved, and heard are understood and felt by young children.
Any tantrum the child has is a way for him to let you know he is uneasy and does not feel heard or accepted. Once you look at tantrums as a way for the child to communicate, you can break away from the traditional parenting structures.
The way a child communicates with us may be different than how an adult would, but a child is just as much a sensing and feeling human who deserves respectful treatment.
EMPATHY
Parenting is not all about you. Your child throwing a tantrum does not reflect how you are as a parent. It reflects some issues the child is having to deal with. An emotion that is bigger than him. Your job as a parent is to try and meet your child at that moment of discomfort.
Empathize as you would empathize with a hurting friend or relative.
Listen. Our children are already telling us many things through their cries, tantrums, and little sentences.
When we entered the twos, and the first set of emotional outbursts started to happen I felt unprepared to handle them. Suddenly my calm and happy baby was unhappy all the time.
But I started by listening. What is my child feeling right now? How can I comfort him? Simple questions all mothers ask.
Gradually I learned about strategies to deal with tantrums and even discipline in a gentle yet effective way. And you know what happened? I started noticing that I was getting good at diffusing tantrums, in some cases, I was able to avoid tantrums altogether. It all started with putting myself in his shoes.
Another positive I noticed about Gentle Parenting, our son began to understand our reasoning and learned to voice his emotions better. He knows no matter how horrible he feels his mom and dad are going to listen and help him find a solution. This simple “knowing”, has made an immense impact on his overall behavior.
AN ATTITUDE TO SEEKING SOLUTIONS
When there is talk about developing a positive mindset in life you will hear people talk about a mindset shift. A mindset that focuses on solving problems rather than moping around, or waiting for things to resolve on their own.
You actively seek solutions to your child’s current challenges. This way the child begins to consider you as his trusted support system. He knows to confide in you and reveal his innermost worries and thoughts. He knows “my parents” will help me figure this out.
An example of solution-seeking instead of yelling: Your child has been afraid of the dark and refusing to sleep in his bedroom. A solution-seeking parent can gain the child’s confidence by saying, “Is there something in the dark? Let me go in there and check for you”.
Bring a torch. Look under the curtains and the bed, then assure your child you checked everything and there is nothing there. Leave on a bedside lamp and give them a reassuring hug and kiss.
This solution may or may not work, but time and again showing your children how to solve problems -real or perceived, gains the child’s trust and also makes the home a calmer place. No yelling, no screaming just finding solutions to the challenge at hand.
Yelling and screaming do not solve the problem they only teach the child, that he can’t voice his opinions or feelings lest it anger/hurt your feelings.
ADJUST EXPECTATIONS
Another very important aspect of Gentle Parenting that took us a while to get accustomed to was adjusting our expectations. There are times when you are truly expecting your child to follow along on aspects that are not age-appropriate yet.
Toddlers have not yet developed their brains, so many actions that sound reasonable to you may still be a task for their young brains to comprehend. Check your child’s readiness for skills per age and then realign your expectations. Losing your temper on actions that the child is clearly not developmentally ready for is a big waste of time and energy for everyone involved.
For example; If you are expecting mess-free meal times below the age of 3, you may be asking too much from your child. Instead, you may need to figure out ways to reduce dinner time messes and provide the child with shorter, easier instructions to understand.
Impulse control below age 3 is not yet a developed skill. Focus on strategies that help distract the child, remove the bad behavior-causing objects from the environment, and talk with the child. As the child grows more verbal you can lay down more firm limits and boundaries until then continue the conversation around what is okay and what’s not.
There are days, like every other parent out there I too feel like I am failing. Over time I have learned a big part of parenting is not expecting perfection. Give yourself grace. And then refocus and get back to what matters to you the most.
Our children notice us and trying harder is just another way we make them feel cared for. In time you will figure out how to communicate effectively with your children and Gentle parenting becomes the ethos of the family.
Have you wondered, “How to get your toddler to listen?” Not just listen, but listen without any protest or tantrum?
Ever since the 2’s kicked in we have been in the “rocky emotions” boat. The “fun” in parenting was disappearing and I caught myself starting to wonder “do I understand my child?”. What happened you ask? Well, “Challenging Toddler Behaviour” happened.
Even though I read parenting articles and research regularly as a part of my job description as a mommy blogger, I found myself loosing our lovingly created peaceful family routine.
We practice gentle discipline in our home, we do a lot of talking, empathizing and trying our best not to yell even in the most challenging situations. In spite of this, we faced a lot of defiances and tantrums.
During this period, I missed out on a vitally important point. A point I make sure to remind everyone who practices gentle parenting, “Gentle parenting does not mean giving in and being a weak and submissive character in your child’s life.” We are conditioned to think of the word Gentle as submissive behavior.
What was happening was that in order to maintain peace and calm in the home, I was giving in to every tantrum and not setting the right limits and expectations in place.
Being a gentle parent does not mean we give in and not define boundaries for our children.
Once I realized what I was doing wrong, it was time to change the way I handled some of these difficult behaviors.
I shared my observations with my husband, and we came up with new ways to communicate effectively with our son and quickly saw a difference.
Our son’s behavior is calmer now, he takes guidance, he knows what is expected of him and follows through. There are still some areas we are working on trying to reinforce good behaviors and help him understand why we expect certain behavior from him.
These he will understand better in time. There is no rush, positive discipline is a process, it requires consistency and calm. But overall these changes helped our family get on one page.
To address any problem area in your life what do you do? You introspect and analyze.
Think about the newest changes in your family situation. Eg. The arrival of a new baby, new daycare/preschool, back from a vacation.
Any change from the previous position of comfort can bring with it some challenging behaviors.
Sometimes everything is the same but the child is growing up and needs to assert some control over his surroundings.
At other times the schedule may be packed with no time to rest or just be still.
Maybe there is a lack in one on one interaction with parents.
You see? Your child’s behavior is a result of some discomfort in the environment. Children expressing their frustrations should be normalized. We should let go of these unrealistic expectations that someone with such little understanding of the world will behave in a rational manner from the get go.
These unrealistic expectations bring with them the many parental frustrations we experience. Read this post I wrote to understand more about age appropriate expectations from toddlers.
List out what you think could be possible problem areas and start with addressing these areas first even before you begin to address your toddler’s defiant behavior.
Always remember, bad behavior does not make your child a bad child, behavior is a response to something that the child is dealing with.
As parents, we must first address the root cause before addressing the defiant behavior patterns.
2. Start by listening
Do you want your child to listen? Well, are you listening to him?
It is so easy for us as parents to spend an entire day giving instructions. We may not realize how little time we spend listening to our kids.
In fact, research now shows spending quiet time listening and really responding to our kids is associated with our child’s future success. It all boils down to a simple rule; children need unfiltered quality time with their parents.
Encourage them to come to speak to you if they need anything and when they do come to you with stories, sit back and listen to them attentively. Moral of the story, when we feel heard we are more receptive to others and listen better.
One way to get your child used to speaking up or sharing emotions with you is to incorporate a storytelling session in your daily routine.
In our home we make up stories; I encourage our son to come up with characters, places or situations. This practice has developed confidence in speaking his mind. When inhibitions are lost its easier for the child to effectively communicate to you in moments of distress.
3. Simple instructions
Toddlers do not understand long detailed explanations on why they should not do certain things. Keep it short and simple when talking to kids 2-5 years of age.
Instead of saying;
Don’t walk there, you will fall and break your bones
Say;
Walk carefully
Instead of saying;
Don’t throw your food, don’t you understand you are wasting food, breaking the plate, wasting my money (I know we can go on a rant when we see wastage!)
Say;
Hands are not for throwing, hands are for building/helping.
This means instead of constantly reacting to the mess created or the situation that’s going out of hand, keep instructions simple for your toddler to follow through.
I too am guilty of giving long-winded explanations. I would wonder why my son doesn’t get it when he repeated the same behavior again. Duh? Of course, he didn’t understand my apparent logical reasoning, he has a short attention span, he is only picking up a few keywords. Every time I give a long explanation I lose his attention.
4. Understanding his point of view
One very important point that we miss in our day-to-day routines revolving around timelines is to understand the toddler’s point of view.
Once we take a step back to note why he did what he did, we begin to understand his needs or loopholes in our instructions.
A toddler wants to play, he has no personal timeline, and that’s an important point to remember as you push him to follow a routine set by you.
You may want him to start getting ready for playschool, but he wants to play. Of course, he will not listen. What do you do then? Read on in the next point.
5. Making it a game
This strategy has worked really well in our home. I had a tough time getting my son dressed every time we had to go out of the house. He always wants to play some more instead of getting ready.
This is what we do. Every time he says he wants to play I give him a time, ‘you have 5 more minutes to play’. To explain the concept of time point to the hands of the clock or use a sand timer. The child agrees, then when the time is up, make changing clothes a game.
You can say “Let’s see if you can get dressed in 3 minutes” Set a timer on your phone. Kids find this an interesting game and happily comply.
Other times you can simply ask your toddler to get dressed. Most 2-3-year-olds are interested in dressing themselves.
Ask in a playful way. “Let’s see you wear your pants and tee” This takes more time, but putting the control back in his hands is the easiest way to get him dressed.
6. Routine
Stick to a routine. You find me repeating this point in every parenting blog post I write. A routine is crucial for young children. When your child knows what’s next, he is mentally prepared to follow along. Setting up a routine that suits your family takes a while, but once set, a routine is your best bet to get your toddler to listen to you without having to scream your lungs out.
If park time is every day at 5 pm, he knows its park time, he will get dressed in time. If you are struggling with setting up a strong family routine, I highly recommend checking out this e-course by Pulling Curls on Family Routines. It will help you figure out how to structure your day and build the foundation for an organized routine that suits your family.
7. Use of natural consequences
This brings me to the next very important point, the use of natural consequences.
For the child to follow through on instructions he needs to understand the consequences of his actions when he doesn’t.
For example: If your toddler throws food constantly. You can say, “When you throw food on the floor, mommy takes away the plate” If he continues to do so, you have to follow through and take away the plate. This reaction to his action is a natural consequence – when I throw food, the food goes away.
At the same time make sure to explain, we respect food on the table. If you don’t want more tell mom it’s enough, or if you don’t like something keep it to the side of the plate.
Example 2. When getting ready to go to the park, and your toddler continues to throw a tantrum and does not want to get dressed, you simply state, “When you are dressed we can go to the park” then if he doesn’t get ready in time you skip a day at the park.
This method should be used rarely and only when the follow-through action (go to the park) is related to the original request (get dressed).
So, if you want your child to put away his toys and he continues to ignore your request the natural consequence should be taking away privileges to playing with toys if the request is not followed through. You cannot say you don’t get any more candy or T.V, these have nothing to do with your original request for putting away toys.
Using natural consequences is a more effective discipline strategy than yelling, or emotionally manipulating. It teaches toddlers about the effects of their own actions and helps them to follow through when instructions are given.
However I don’t recommend using it all the time. Our first approach must be connection and understanding the cause of behaviors.
The tone in which you speak to your toddler is particularly important when trying to instill positive discipline. You don’t want to yell and join in their chaos, neither do you want to use endearing words like “sweetie, or darling” when giving important instructions. These sugar-coated endearments take away the seriousness of your instruction.
What you need is a calm and confident tone of voice. Sometimes you may need to repeat your self over and over again in the same calm and confident tone.
When the adult around them is confident in his actions and words, the child is calmer.
An adult who is unsure on how to react or too dominating creates an imbalance in the child’s world. They are either doing actions out of fear or left unsure of what exactly is expected of them.
This is why the consistency of words and actions is very important to set the tone of positive discipline in the home.
Positive discipline does not mean giving a free pass to unacceptable actions, it means being able to be Captain of the ship and handling all stressful situations in a calm and collected manner.
Your child looks up to you for direction and you provide him with the necessary direction.
As I already mentioned in point 7, use natural consequences and follow through in case of misbehavior or ignorance of instructions. Certain situations demand the use of firm words that bring across your point quickly. Example when your child is about to cause harm to himself or others.
This is what you say in such situations;
When your child is hurting another child,
“I won’t let you harm the baby” then gently pull the toddler away.
There is no need to reprimand or show your disappointment. Simply explain to him why we don’t hurt others when at home or when he has calmed down in private. Do not publicly humiliate your toddler’s feelings.
Also, make sure to apologize to the victim. Your child learns through observing you, therefore asking him to apologize is not effective. That only makes him feel humiliated.
10. Notice and reinforce good behavior
All this talk about discipline does not mean you ignore the times your child willingly does things correctly. When the child displays expected behavior reinforce the behavior with your attention. For example,
I see you put back all your toys in the toy basket. Now we have a clean play area.
Don’t go overboard and use words like Superb! Good job! every time.
Use words that acknowledge good behavior without making it a huge celebration.
It is important to reinforce good habits for what they are, good habits- not some sort of an approval acquiring mechanism.
WHAT TO DO WHEN IN THE MIDDLE OF A TODDLER TANTRUM?
The points I mentioned above are more of what to do around a toddler who won’t listen. But what should be done during a toddler tantrum? At such a time how to get your toddler to listen without yelling.
1. Connect: Get down to his level. Toddlers need physical touch to calm down. Hold him gently by the arms and look him in the eyes, then speak. 2. Show empathy: Let him know you understand how he feels. “I know you enjoy throwing toys in the air” or “I know you are feeling bad the toy was taken away from you”
3. In short, statements repeat what’s expected, “But throwing toys can hurt somebody, mommy won’t let you hurt someone”. Or “that toy belonged to another child, let’s use the one we have” or” let us take turns and use the same toy/ wait your turn” 4. Hug it out 5. Sometimes the tantrum gets out of hand and the child is only getting more and more disturbed. In such a situation it is best to calmly remove him from the situation and take to another quieter place.
Some alternatives to saying the word No to a child. These will stop a child from escalating to a tantrum and help you convey your message in a language he will likely understand better.
Here I remember a LR Knost quote that says, “When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it is our job to share our calm, not join in their chaos.”
These simple strategies have helped us deal with the two’s. I am sure these strategies will need to be tweaked as our son grows older. But the basic idea is to focus on the principles of positive discipline.
What strategies work for you when your toddler won’t listen? How do you gain cooperation from your toddler?
Pediatric Nutrition Consultant | FOUNDER & EDITOR AT EASYMOMMYLIFE.COM
I’m a mom to two by day and the Editor-in-Chief of Easy Mommy Life by night. This blog is where evidence-based child nutrition meets the wonderfully messy reality of everyday family life.
Here, you’ll find practical guidance on picky eating, balanced meals, healthy kid-friendly recipes, and research-backed parenting advice - all created to help modern parents make confident choices without adding more stress to their already busy lives.
