You are probably reading this article as you witness the first changes in your toddler’s behavior and start dealing with the terrible twos. Are you wondering what happened to your baby? And how you can help?
WHY DO THE TERRIBLE TWOS HAPPEN?
First off, let me tell you what you are experiencing is a normal part of child development and the term terrible two’s (one that I personally don’t like to use) is just a period of rapid development.
Your toddler is gaining new skills both motor and language, and this is the first time in his life that he begins to assert independence and test boundaries around him. And as he begins to express himself, emotions also become a part of the picture. He experiences big emotions that he does not yet fully understand.
So at one end, he may be able to express himself and ask for more independence, which is great but this same independence means he now is willing to test the boundaries of his environment and see what else can be explored, something you may not be comfortable with.
Toddlers want to do things on their own but realize they are expected to follow certain rules. The “why” of these rules are not yet clear to them, which can lead to a lot of friction between the parent and the toddler.
If this toddler behavior is normal,
SHOULD YOU IGNORE TODDLER TANTRUMS?
Ignoring your 2-year-olds tantrums will not help the situation.
What message do you think ignoring sends?
That my parents don’t want me to express how I feel, I should bottle up my feelings.
Or worse the child could start feeling abandoned when going through this emotional upheaval which could affect the trust relationship between parent and child in time causing the child to resent his parent.
It is our job as parents to allow a safe space in our home for everyone to voice their feelings, however bad they be and then support and guide our children through this phase.
HOW LONG DO THE TERRIBLE TWOS LAST?
For most toddlers this phase will start around 18 months of age and go on until the age 3 and a little beyond that too.
Many parents don’t even experience these aggressive toddler behaviors during the 2’s, but, start experiencing such behaviors in the 3’s and 4’s.
Rest assured, take it from a mommy of a 5 year old, by the time the kids reach age 4, if you have followed the steps to dealing with the terrible twos I mention here, you will help your child to be able to handle the big feelings and calm down on his own.
Related reading : When do the terrible twos end and what comes after
BOOKS ON DEALING WITH THE TERRIBLE TWOS
Even before I get into what you can specifically do to deal with the “terrible twos”, I will highly recommend the awesome book written by Joanna Faber & Julie King called, How to Talk so Little kids will listen.
This book will guide you through everyday parenting case studies with specific guidance on what you can say to your child so he will listen to you without much resistance.
I have used so many of the strategies listed in this book; it has been a game-changer in my home and one of the key gentle parenting tools I use.
TRIED AND TRUE TIPS FOR DEALING WITH THE TERRIBLE TWOS
Here are 10 tips that can help you better communicate with your toddler and establish a more peaceful home life.
Routine
In a period of rapid development, toddlers crave a certain sameness and consistency. Development wise a lot is happening in these years. Your toddler is learning to walk, talk, develop new fine motor skills and social skills, discover his own likes and dislikes. Basically, your little baby is beginning to grow wings of independence. At times all this new independence can be overwhelming for him.
A consistent routine helps the toddler feel a sense of calm and security. He knows what is expected in the day and feels reassured in the comfort a routine provides.
If you don’t have a routine in place yet, take a few moments and map out all the activities your two years old loves to do in the day. Then plan a daily routine with these activities and other essential daily tasks. Here is a look at our routine at 2 years of age.
Routine for a 2-year-old
7 am-8:30 am Wake up, read books, brush teeth, free play [he chooses what toys to play with. I sit close by with my cup of tea and we play together]
8:30 am-9 am Breakfast
9 am-12:30 pm More free play and on some days a few structured learning activities.
Activities and toys like puzzles, building blocks, vehicles, busy books, kitchen utensils, pretend play, water play, play dough, stickers, and artwork are perfect to engage 2-year-olds.
Here is a list of our favorite toys and books at 2 years of age.
10:30 am-11am Snack
11 am-12:30 pm More free play/reading books/ watch a movie (Sunday is movie day in our home)
12:30 pm-1pm Lunch
1 pm-2 pm Listen to nursery rhymes, tell stories and naptime
2 pm-4 pm Naptime
4 pm-5 pm Snack and free play
5 pm-7 pm Park
7 pm-7:30 pm Dinner
7:30 pm Bath
8 pm-8:30 pm Bedtime routine [brush teeth, read books, tell stories, hugs, cuddles and off to sleep.]
Safe play space
They say a child’s play is his work, and two-year-olds are like busy bees tinkering and exploring all day long. Therefore, it is important to build safe play spaces for your toddler to use and explore.
Instead of being anxious all the time about your two-year-old hurting himself and then passing on that anxiety to your child through too many instructions on how to play, create a safe play area.
Related reading : What to say to your toddler instead of No
Most of your daily struggles with your child will end when you baby proof your home and start giving the toddler the independence to freely move in his space.
If your two year old wants to help you with chores, that is wonderful too. This interest should be welcomed. Your child wants to be part of family life and there is no better life skill you can teach than self-reliance.
Relax your expectations on perfect work and welcome the messes. Buy age-appropriate tools for your two year old to be able to hold and help you around the house so you don’t worry about his safety around adult-sized tools.
Some useful and age-appropriate tools for a 2-year-old are toddler-sized brooms and cleaning sets, and toddler kitchen knives.
Here is a look at some simple toddler chores most 2-year-olds are willing to try.
Stay calm
Coming to the big issue many parents face around 2 years of age. Anger.
Its hard to stay calm when it feels like all your child is doing all day is make life harder for you. But over a period of time, I have realized that a lot of the 2 year old behavior issues stem from the home environment and how much my child is feeling heard.
At age 2 it is still a lot of guesswork for the parents, understanding what exactly is the trigger for defiance and misbehavior like hitting, biting or screaming.
Before you jump the gun and conclude it’s your child fault or question him “why did you throw this?” or “why did you hit your sister?” etc, etc.
Think about what could lead to the child’s reaction. A 2-year-old cannot appropriately express his feelings in words, so him giving you an answer is quite rare. Instead, take a step back and assess what happened in the moment of the reaction yourself.
Once you know the reason you can comfort your child, make him feel safe and then verbalize for him what exactly happened so he starts to connect the dots and understand his emotions better.
For example, say your children are playing close to each other and your two year old was busy coloring. His younger sister comes along and pulls the crayon out of his hand. Your 2-year-old gets upset about being interrupted and losing his crayon and hits his younger sister. What do you do?
You can say, “Our hands are not for hitting. I see you felt bad your sister took your crayon.”
Then offer a solution to his problem “Here is another one for you” or “Let us count to 5 until your sister uses the crayon and take turns.”
In the meantime, let’s say the other child is crying because she got hit, you can showcase to your child how he can make amends and help her feel better.
Say, “Looks like your sister is hurt, let us give her a tap on her hand and comfort her/bring her a toy/ bring a glass of water.” Whatever suits that moment, but a way for him to make amends for his previous actions without shaming him.
If hitting happens consistently in different situations, that is a behavior that needs to be corrected. How do you do this in a positive and helpful way?
You can read books on topics around empathy, and sharing, like this one. I love this book, it has beautiful illustrations and simple examples of how to show more empathy towards others. Most age-appropriate for children in the 2-3 year age group.
Books like, Hands are not for hitting is also another example of bringing in conversation around the behavior. Reading books leads to conversation and sometimes offers you new insight into your child’s behavior. You can use this insight in tweaking your solutions to current challenges.
This was an example of how you handle challenging behavior in your home without resorting to punishments and screaming.
Discipline using scare tactics like yelling and time out does not yield positive results. You can teach nothing by scaring or intimidating your child.
Instead by consistently teaching your child to name emotions and problem solve you help them see the reason why a certain behavior is wrong and how to manage one’s emotions in a constructive manner.
Having an emotional outburst is not wrong, in fact, it is normal and we want our children to know its okay to express. But how to express without causing harm and in a way that we are communicating effectively is what needs teaching.
Once parents start taking on a problem-solving approach many of the misbehaviors begin to disappear and you settle into a calmer family life with fewer tantrums.
This gentle parenting approach has helped us a lot. I would urge you to read these 3 posts to understand how to manage difficult situations better.
How to discipline a 2-year-old without yelling
How you can help with toddler aggression
Easy to understand rules
Having rules sets expectations and gives the child certain responsibilities that make life easier for everyone. Do not make a long list of rules for 2-year-olds. Focus on 4-5 rules that give your child a better understanding of how to manage his own tasks.
We have some simple rules that we all follow together as a family, some are beginner-level manners to get him started on proper personal hygiene and others are around managing emotions through communication so it doesn’t escalate into a tantrum.
In the 2’s I only focused on these, and gradually added more in his three’s. It requires consistent work, but at age 3 I already see a lot of improvement in these areas.
Here are the rules we consistently worked on at age 2;
- Wash hands and face on entering the home from a trip outside.
- Wash hands and face before and after each meal.
- Table manners like using cutlery, glasses, no throwing food, keep food you don’t like on the side of the plate instead of throwing.
- Use words instead of whining. Every time we are in a cranky or whiny situation we simply remind, “ Use your words please” This encourages our son to speak and articulate what he is feeling and we avoid tantrums.
Limit and replace the use of “no” with more positive instructions or messages.
Examples:
Instead of Don’t touch, Use – Hands to yourself
Instead of No running, Use – Walk with me
Instead of Don’t run, Use – Hold my hands, please
Related reading : Phrases you can use to get your toddler to listen
At age 2 simple instructions get the best responses. Two-year-olds don’t need explanations on why safety is important or why certain behavior is bad they need to know what to do instead. More on effective toddler discipline here.
By age 3 you can start giving more information on why we do things a certain way. That’s when they are receptive to the “Why”, right now keep it short and simple.
Consistent Limits
In all things parenting, if you cannot stay consistent you will face challenging behavior. Deciding on your core family values and then consistently working on these values through the daily routine, stories, and conversations is very important.
It’s important that your child’s innate learning and exploration desires are not curtailed but certain limits for safety or managing emotional responses need to be in place. As parents, it is your job to set these limits for your children. This offers a structure that the toddler can fall back on when he feels overwhelmed.
Use play as a tool
One of the easiest ways to get your toddler to listen to you when you are in a rush is to make a game out of the thing you need him to do. We do this most mornings as we dress for school. We put on a 2 min timer and he rushes to dress before the time is up.
Storytelling also works in most cases.
An article I came across recently showcased how traditional Inuit parenting does not use yelling or scolding as a tool to discipline. There are no time outs and no punishments. Instead, the Inuit’s use storytelling and play to discipline.
These are oral stories passed down from one generation of Inuit to the next, designed to sculpt kids’ behaviors at the moment. Sometimes even save their lives.
Storytelling is universal across human cultures. For tens of thousands of years, it has been the tool that parents use to teach children about values and how to behave.
So the next time you are in a verbal deadlock with your child and wondering how to get him to listen, spin out a story about that situation and watch him follow along.
Here is an example of how I use storytelling to get my toddler to brush his teeth happily every day.
Praise the good behavior you notice
All this talk about the terrible twos might make you focus on the areas that need work. This does not mean you ignore the times the toddler actually does things the expected way. Give him a little encouragement with your words,
Example: “I see you put your toys back. Now we have a clean space for tomorrow”.
Set the expectations
This works for certain day to day activities or when you need to travel or socialize with your child.
Give the child a heads up of what is expected from the situation and prepare him mentally. This reduces possible stranger anxiety or tantrums.
Need to leave in 15 mins for the park and your 2-year-old is busy with a puzzle?
Give him a heads up. “We have 10 mins to play, and we are done, off to park for us”.
5 mins later give another heads up. In most cases, the child wraps up his game on his own and the entire situation moves along with ease.
How we talk and prepare the child for different situations they will encounter is key to a happy and settled child at the moment.
Whenever you are visiting a new place/party, or a new set of people talk to the child beforehand about what to expect. Give him an idea of what will happen, who he will meet and how you will be interacting (includes social nicety).
When you arrive at the new setting allow your child to take his time to adjust. There is no rush to be social. The child is observing you as you socialize and connecting the dots between what you mentioned about this day and what is happening at the moment.
Give him time to go through the moment on his own. If he does not want to interact, do not force him. No need to force the child to say hello or thank you.
If he finds the new situation overwhelming take a breather and go outside for a moment. Mention to your hosts, “he needs a little more time, once he is ready he will join us”. Most importantly let him know you are there for him, helping him with this new situation.
Continue modeling the behavior you expect from your child. Definitely, do not stop socializing because of a stray event where your child was overwhelmed. And most importantly do not make your child feel guilty by scolding him about his shyness.
Related reading : How to handle toddler stranger anxiety.
Managing emotions through messy play
Messy play or sensory play as we call it uses all the senses: sight, sound, touch, smell, and taste. This type of play allows a toddler to be able to identify what they are playing with more deeply and better than just seeing things.
Sensory play allows the child to work out where he ends and where the world begins. How the world around him feels and is different from him.
It allows children to develop a more expressive language as they grow. The more they touch and feel the more they understand about the world they are living in.
Sensory play also allows the child to calm down. This is why it can be used as a tool to teach emotional regulation to younger kids. Read here to learn more about the benefits of sensory play for kids.
Some really simple sensory play ideas
Play with dough
Water play
Build a sensory bin
Kinetic sand
Read here for more sensory play ideas
One of the reasons I am a strong proponent of baby-led weaning too is for this very reason. Getting messy is important for a child’s development.
The more a child explores his food through touch, taste and smells the better his language skills. Better language skills mean you can better understand your child and help him with any unpleasant emotional state.
Here is the post I wrote on why it is important for little children to self-feed and get messy when they eat.
Plan activities
Plan all activities keeping the toddler’s current state in mind. No child is going to be able to follow along when he is thirsty, hungry or tired. When you build a routine plan your activities considering these constraints and you won’t have a meltdown.
I understand sometimes it’s not possible to avoid certain social meetings or appointments just because it’s your toddler’s nap time. In such a situation brace your self and hope for the best.
We all had toddlers throwing a tantrum in the wrong place at the wrong time, make a joke about it and try to ease the stress of those around you in that situation.
Hopefully, there are not going to be too many such instances so we just breathe through it.
In the end, all I want you to remember in those tough moments is that this is just a phase, terrible twos is part of normal 2 year old behavior and soon your kids will be learning how to regulate their emotions better and express their feelings to you.
Stay strong until then mama, and give your child all the love he needs as he navigates this phase in development.
I hope all the tips listed here help you in some way in your motherhood journey. Let me know in the comments below some of the challenges you face when dealing with the terrible two’s and we can problem-solve together.
Such a wonderful post. I am really struggling with my 2.5 year old these days. I will try some of these tips. Thank you so much.
Hope these tips help you handle the terrible twos confidently Trisha
Hi?You are doing a fantastic job?My son is 18 months old.He topples the tables and then tries to stand on it n the other issue is he completely empties the baskets ? with the toy on the floor first n then starts playing.started throwing things.So how am I to change this behaviour
Hi, First off we need to adjust our expectations of what is considered appropriate behavior for an 18-month-old. At this age, the child is still exploring and just beginning to understand the etiquette and ways to handle things around him. What you may consider making a mess, is part of the exploration and the study of cause and effect for him.
I would recommend creating a safe place for the child to play as he likes. Baby proof the house so that dangerous objects and objects with sharp corners are kept away.
Simple instructions like, “Table is for sitting at with chair and playing on” are enough. Show him how you sit at the table and work. Make a game of it. Do not give lengthy instructions. If certain behaviors keep repeating at this early age you can simply remove those objects from the environment. That is if you feel your child is not playing safely around tables, remove them from the environment until he is old enough to understand your instructions.
Emptying a toy basket and playing is normal. Once the games are done, you can ask the child to help you put away the toys in the basket. Make a game of it. We call it “Feed the toy hamper” in our house. I tell my son, let us feed our basket, it’s hungry!. He gets excited to feed the basket with his toys, once his game is over.
These simple ways to bring playfulness when giving instructions without it sounding like an instruction works like magic with toddlers.
I have 3 sons-2, 3 and 4 years old. Since the 1 year old I teach children to help around the house and self-care. The eldest child I raised with printable charts. But you need a lot of them. I use the Manini app for three children. It’s like printed chores cards, but in a phone. I like it so much that they get carried away and resort to asking for more tasks.
Very very informative write up. Loved the tips. Setting the routine for child is so important. Being calm is necessary. Now I understand why my 2 year old show emotions. It will be really helpful to handle him now. Thank you Ophira.
Liked the topic. 10 points given are really well explained. Will be helpful for us for nurturing our child. Please keep writing on these topics.
This write up encouraged me a lot. Thank you for it is very informative. I just have a question. I also practice gentle parenting but I suddenly caught up with this “terrible twos” developmental stage. My son just turned 22 months old. He’s very obedient, knows his tasks for we established his routine. Since the day before yesterday, he started throwing tantrums, didn’t want to wash his hands, didn’t want to change his diapers and he was very angry. I tried to connect with him and redirect him, he got calmed but when I tried to get him back on his task like washing his hands so he can eat, he started crying loudly saying no and ran away from me even if I said we will wash hands together. Any other tips on how to get back the child back on his task? Because it’s been 3 days that he doesn’t want to wash his hands and his other task.
I am glad you found this post useful. Yes, it is hard getting toddlers to follow routines. This is where a play based approach can come handy. To understand how you can add some games into the routine you can read here, another post I would recommend you read is this one on common phrases that work with toddlers. These will give you an idea on how you can shift the language to a way that helps the child understand and follow.