gentle parenting Archives - Page 3 of 3

What Is Gentle Parenting? And How Does It Work?

Ophira3 CommentsOctober 11, 2022July 11, 2019

Read time: 8 minutes

If you are a parent, chances are by now you may have heard of Gentle Parenting.

It is a new parenting style that is gaining a lot of acceptance from parents tired of struggling with discipline and challenging behaviors in the early childhood years.

When we grew up parenting was more authoritarian. You listen to the elders in the family or else you get punished/spanked. Understanding the child’s point of view was not really commonplace.

Our parents are not to be blamed, they did what they thought was the right way at the time. But as more research has come ahead we now know this style of dominant parenting caused a lot of damage in the long term, especially with regard to the social and emotional development of children.

WHAT IS GENTLE PARENTING?

Gentle Parenting is a way to parent through connection, understanding, and empathy. Where you treat the child as you would an adult, with respect. A strong emphasis is given to understanding and communicating, over bribes and punishments.

L.R. Knost describes Gentle Parenting as “guiding instead of controlling, connecting instead of punishing, encouraging instead of demanding.”

It took a while for me to write this blog post for you because I wanted to experience the so-called terrible twos and threes to see if Gentle Parenting really worked.

And the answer is a big “Yes” The success we experienced by using Gentle parenting (Positive parenting/Peaceful parenting; I think all these terms fall in the same category) techniques are worth sharing with other parents.

I know how hard parenting can be, especially when you are doing all of this for the first time, sometimes solo (my husband travels a lot!) and without a support system. It is difficult. No sugar coating it. But, gentle parenting is offering us a way to get on the same page as our children and lead a more peaceful parenting life with very little struggle.

In this post, I will talk about the 4 pillars of gentle parenting in our home. 4 important aspects that we focus on as a family.

These are not the only values to consider, there can be more for other families, but these 4 important points helped my husband and me on our Gentle parenting journey.

4 PILLARS OF GENTLE PARENTING

RESPECT

Treat children as you would treat another adult. It is really as simple as that. Yet how many of us talk to our children as if we own them?

The child senses when he is treated as an equal and is more willing to work with you.

A child seeks your attention and respect. Even though he may be unable to articulate in words, the feelings of being included, loved, and heard are understood and felt by young children.

Any tantrum the child has is a way for him to let you know he is uneasy and does not feel heard or accepted. Once you look at tantrums as a way for the child to communicate, you can break away from the traditional parenting structures.

The way a child communicates with us may be different than how an adult would, but a child is just as much a sensing and feeling human who deserves respectful treatment.

EMPATHY

Parenting is not all about you. Your child throwing a tantrum does not reflect how you are as a parent. It reflects some issues the child is having to deal with. An emotion that is bigger than him. Your job as a parent is to try and meet your child at that moment of discomfort.

Empathize as you would empathize with a hurting friend or relative.

Listen. Our children are already telling us many things through their cries, tantrums, and little sentences.

When we entered the twos, and the first set of emotional outbursts started to happen I felt unprepared to handle them. Suddenly my calm and happy baby was unhappy all the time.

But I started by listening. What is my child feeling right now? How can I comfort him? Simple questions all mothers ask.

Gradually I learned about strategies to deal with tantrums and even discipline in a gentle yet effective way. And you know what happened? I started noticing that I was getting good at diffusing tantrums, in some cases, I was able to avoid tantrums altogether. It all started with putting myself in his shoes.

Another positive I noticed about Gentle Parenting, our son began to understand our reasoning and learned to voice his emotions better. He knows no matter how horrible he feels his mom and dad are going to listen and help him find a solution. This simple “knowing”, has made an immense impact on his overall behavior.

AN ATTITUDE TO SEEKING SOLUTIONS

When there is talk about developing a positive mindset in life you will hear people talk about a mindset shift. A mindset that focuses on solving problems rather than moping around, or waiting for things to resolve on their own.

The same applies to Gentle parenting, as a parent you become the solution seeker. Gentle parenting does not mean permissive parenting.

You actively seek solutions to your child’s current challenges. This way the child begins to consider you as his trusted support system. He knows to confide in you and reveal his innermost worries and thoughts. He knows “my parents” will help me figure this out.

An example of solution-seeking instead of yelling: Your child has been afraid of the dark and refusing to sleep in his bedroom. A solution-seeking parent can gain the child’s confidence by saying, “Is there something in the dark? Let me go in there and check for you”.

Bring a torch. Look under the curtains and the bed, then assure your child you checked everything and there is nothing there. Leave on a bedside lamp and give them a reassuring hug and kiss.

This solution may or may not work, but time and again showing your children how to solve problems -real or perceived, gains the child’s trust and also makes the home a calmer place. No yelling, no screaming just finding solutions to the challenge at hand.

Yelling and screaming do not solve the problem they only teach the child, that he can’t voice his opinions or feelings lest it anger/hurt your feelings.

ADJUST EXPECTATIONS

Another very important aspect of Gentle Parenting that took us a while to get accustomed to was adjusting our expectations. There are times when you are truly expecting your child to follow along on aspects that are not age-appropriate yet.

Toddlers have not yet developed their brains, so many actions that sound reasonable to you may still be a task for their young brains to comprehend. Check your child’s readiness for skills per age and then realign your expectations. Losing your temper on actions that the child is clearly not developmentally ready for is a big waste of time and energy for everyone involved.

For example; If you are expecting mess-free meal times below the age of 3, you may be asking too much from your child. Instead, you may need to figure out ways to reduce dinner time messes and provide the child with shorter, easier instructions to understand.

Impulse control below age 3 is not yet a developed skill. Focus on strategies that help distract the child, remove the bad behavior-causing objects from the environment, and talk with the child. As the child grows more verbal you can lay down more firm limits and boundaries until then continue the conversation around what is okay and what’s not.

Useful resources for further reading

Gentle Parenting Books:

Gentle Parenting Workshop 1: Getting Started on Your Gentle Journey (Gentle Parenting Workshops) by L.R. Knost

How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 by Joanna Faber and Julie King

Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting (The Peaceful Parent Series) by Dr. Laura Markham

The Gentle Parenting Book – Sarah Ockwell-Smith

Articles:

A brief overview of the developing brain: How you can help your kids thrive as they grow

Becoming a gentle parent

Most importantly realize that Gentle parenting is not about perfection. It is a process. It takes time to unlearn and break free from already set patterns.

There are days, like every other parent out there I too feel like I am failing. Over time I have learned a big part of parenting is not expecting perfection. Give yourself grace. And then refocus and get back to what matters to you the most.

Our children notice us and trying harder is just another way we make them feel cared for. In time you will figure out how to communicate effectively with your children and Gentle parenting becomes the ethos of the family.

How To Get Your Toddler To Listen Without Yelling

Ophira13 CommentsJune 7, 2021November 30, 2018

Read time: 14 minutes

Have you wondered, “How to get your toddler to listen?” Not just listen, but listen without any protest or tantrum?

Ever since the 2’s kicked in we have been in the “rocky emotions” boat. The “fun” in parenting was disappearing and I caught myself starting to wonder “do I understand my child?”. What happened you ask? Well, “Challenging Toddler Behaviour” happened.

Even though I read parenting articles and research regularly as a part of my job description as a mommy blogger, I found myself loosing our lovingly created peaceful family routine.

We practice gentle discipline in our home, we do a lot of talking, empathizing and trying our best not to yell even in the most challenging situations. In spite of this, we faced a lot of defiances and tantrums.

During this period, I missed out on a vitally important point. A point I make sure to remind everyone who practices gentle parenting, “Gentle parenting does not mean giving in and being a weak and submissive character in your child’s life.” We are conditioned to think of the word Gentle as submissive behavior.

What was happening was that in order to maintain peace and calm in the home, I was giving in to every tantrum and not setting the right limits and expectations in place.

Being a gentle parent does not mean we give in and not define boundaries for our children.

Once I realized what I was doing wrong, it was time to change the way I handled some of these difficult behaviors.

I shared my observations with my husband, and we came up with new ways to communicate effectively with our son and quickly saw a difference.

Our son’s behavior is calmer now, he takes guidance, he knows what is expected of him and follows through. There are still some areas we are working on trying to reinforce good behaviors and help him understand why we expect certain behavior from him.

These he will understand better in time. There is no rush, positive discipline is a process, it requires consistency and calm.
But overall these changes helped our family get on one page.

We have consistent expectations and consequences set in place. Making it easier for our son to follow through on a daily basis.

So here goes,

HOW TO GET TODDLERS TO LISTEN WITHOUT YELLING

1.Analyze the home situation and toddler routine

To address any problem area in your life what do you do? You introspect and analyze.

Think about the newest changes in your family situation. Eg. The arrival of a new baby, new daycare/preschool, back from a vacation.

Any change from the previous position of comfort can bring with it some challenging behaviors.

Sometimes everything is the same but the child is growing up and needs to assert some control over his surroundings.

At other times the schedule may be packed with no time to rest or just be still.

Maybe there is a lack in one on one interaction with parents.

You see? Your child’s behavior is a result of some discomfort in the environment. Children expressing their frustrations should be normalized. We should let go of these unrealistic expectations that someone with such little understanding of the world will behave in a rational manner from the get go.

These unrealistic expectations bring with them the many parental frustrations we experience. Read this post I wrote to understand more about age appropriate expectations from toddlers.

List out what you think could be possible problem areas and start with addressing these areas first even before you begin to address your toddler’s defiant behavior.

Always remember, bad behavior does not make your child a bad child, behavior is a response to something that the child is dealing with.

As parents, we must first address the root cause before addressing the defiant behavior patterns.

2. Start by listening

Do you want your child to listen? Well, are you listening to him?

It is so easy for us as parents to spend an entire day giving instructions. We may not realize how little time we spend listening to our kids.

In fact, research now shows spending quiet time listening and really responding to our kids is associated with our child’s future success. It all boils down to a simple rule; children need unfiltered quality time with their parents.

Encourage them to come to speak to you if they need anything and when they do come to you with stories, sit back and listen to them attentively.
Moral of the story, when we feel heard we are more receptive to others and listen better.

One way to get your child used to speaking up or sharing emotions with you is to incorporate a storytelling session in your daily routine.

In our home we make up stories; I encourage our son to come up with characters, places or situations.
This practice has developed confidence in speaking his mind. When inhibitions are lost its easier for the child to effectively communicate to you in moments of distress.

3. Simple instructions

Toddlers do not understand long detailed explanations on why they should not do certain things. Keep it short and simple when talking to kids 2-5 years of age.

Instead of saying;

Don’t walk there, you will fall and break your bones

Say;

Walk carefully

Instead of saying;

Don’t throw your food, don’t you understand you are wasting food, breaking the plate, wasting my money (I know we can go on a rant when we see wastage!)

Say;

Hands are not for throwing, hands are for building/helping.

This means instead of constantly reacting to the mess created or the situation that’s going out of hand, keep instructions simple for your toddler to follow through.

For more effective phrases to use with toddlers so they listen, read here.

I too am guilty of giving long-winded explanations. I would wonder why my son doesn’t get it when he repeated the same behavior again. Duh? Of course, he didn’t understand my apparent logical reasoning, he has a short attention span, he is only picking up a few keywords. Every time I give a long explanation I lose his attention.

4. Understanding his point of view

One very important point that we miss in our day-to-day routines revolving around timelines is to understand the toddler’s point of view.

Once we take a step back to note why he did what he did, we begin to understand his needs or loopholes in our instructions.

A toddler wants to play, he has no personal timeline, and that’s an important point to remember as you push him to follow a routine set by you.

You may want him to start getting ready for playschool, but he wants to play. Of course, he will not listen. What do you do then? Read on in the next point.

How to get your toddler to listen -positive discipline

5. Making it a game

This strategy has worked really well in our home. I had a tough time getting my son dressed every time we had to go out of the house. He always wants to play some more instead of getting ready.

This is what we do. Every time he says he wants to play I give him a time, ‘you have 5 more minutes to play’. To explain the concept of time point to the hands of the clock or use a sand timer. The child agrees, then when the time is up, make changing clothes a game.

You can say “Let’s see if you can get dressed in 3 minutes” Set a timer on your phone. Kids find this an interesting game and happily comply.

Other times you can simply ask your toddler to get dressed. Most 2-3-year-olds are interested in dressing themselves.

Ask in a playful way. “Let’s see you wear your pants and tee” This takes more time, but putting the control back in his hands is the easiest way to get him dressed.

6. Routine

Stick to a routine. You find me repeating this point in every parenting blog post I write. A routine is crucial for young children. When your child knows what’s next, he is mentally prepared to follow along. Setting up a routine that suits your family takes a while, but once set, a routine is your best bet to get your toddler to listen to you without having to scream your lungs out.

Related reading : What I do with my toddler everyday.

If park time is every day at 5 pm, he knows its park time, he will get dressed in time. If you are struggling with setting up a strong family routine, I highly recommend checking out this e-course by Pulling Curls on Family Routines. It will help you figure out how to structure your day and build the foundation for an organized routine that suits your family.

7. Use of natural consequences

This brings me to the next very important point, the use of natural consequences.

For the child to follow through on instructions he needs to understand the consequences of his actions when he doesn’t.

For example: If your toddler throws food constantly. You can say, “When you throw food on the floor, mommy takes away the plate” If he continues to do so, you have to follow through and take away the plate. This reaction to his action is a natural consequence – when I throw food, the food goes away.

At the same time make sure to explain, we respect food on the table. If you don’t want more tell mom it’s enough, or if you don’t like something keep it to the side of the plate.

Example 2. When getting ready to go to the park, and your toddler continues to throw a tantrum and does not want to get dressed, you simply state, “When you are dressed we can go to the park” then if he doesn’t get ready in time you skip a day at the park.

This method should be used rarely and only when the follow-through action (go to the park) is related to the original request (get dressed).

So, if you want your child to put away his toys and he continues to ignore your request the natural consequence should be taking away privileges to playing with toys if the request is not followed through. You cannot say you don’t get any more candy or T.V, these have nothing to do with your original request for putting away toys.

Using natural consequences is a more effective discipline strategy than yelling, or emotionally manipulating. It teaches toddlers about the effects of their own actions and helps them to follow through when instructions are given.

However I don’t recommend using it all the time. Our first approach must be connection and understanding the cause of behaviors.

Here is a wonderful article on how to use natural consequences.

8. Use a calm and confident voice

The tone in which you speak to your toddler is particularly important when trying to instill positive discipline. You don’t want to yell and join in their chaos, neither do you want to use endearing words like “sweetie, or darling” when giving important instructions. These sugar-coated endearments take away the seriousness of your instruction.

What you need is a calm and confident tone of voice. Sometimes you may need to repeat your self over and over again in the same calm and confident tone.

When the adult around them is confident in his actions and words, the child is calmer.

An adult who is unsure on how to react or too dominating creates an imbalance in the child’s world. They are either doing actions out of fear or left unsure of what exactly is expected of them.

This is why the consistency of words and actions is very important to set the tone of positive discipline in the home.

Positive discipline does not mean giving a free pass to unacceptable actions, it means being able to be Captain of the ship and handling all stressful situations in a calm and collected manner.

Your child looks up to you for direction and you provide him with the necessary direction.

Related reading: How to be a calm mom

9. Set firm limits

As I already mentioned in point 7, use natural consequences and follow through in case of misbehavior or ignorance of instructions.
Certain situations demand the use of firm words that bring across your point quickly. Example when your child is about to cause harm to himself or others.

This is what you say in such situations;

When your child is hurting another child,

“I won’t let you harm the baby” then gently pull the toddler away.

There is no need to reprimand or show your disappointment. Simply explain to him why we don’t hurt others when at home or when he has calmed down in private. Do not publicly humiliate your toddler’s feelings.

Also, make sure to apologize to the victim. Your child learns through observing you, therefore asking him to apologize is not effective. That only makes him feel humiliated.

10. Notice and reinforce good behavior

All this talk about discipline does not mean you ignore the times your child willingly does things correctly. When the child displays expected behavior reinforce the behavior with your attention.
For example,

I see you put back all your toys in the toy basket. Now we have a clean play area.

Don’t go overboard and use words like Superb! Good job! every time.

Use words that acknowledge good behavior without making it a huge celebration.

It is important to reinforce good habits for what they are, good habits- not some sort of an approval acquiring mechanism.

WHAT TO DO WHEN IN THE MIDDLE OF A TODDLER TANTRUM?

The points I mentioned above are more of what to do around a toddler who won’t listen. But what should be done during a toddler tantrum? At such a time how to get your toddler to listen without yelling.

1. Connect: Get down to his level. Toddlers need physical touch to calm down. Hold him gently by the arms and look him in the eyes, then speak.
2. Show empathy: Let him know you understand how he feels. “I know you enjoy throwing toys in the air” or “I know you are feeling bad the toy was taken away from you”

3. In short, statements repeat what’s expected, “But throwing toys can hurt somebody, mommy won’t let you hurt someone”. Or “that toy belonged to another child, let’s use the one we have” or” let us take turns and use the same toy/ wait your turn”
4. Hug it out
5. Sometimes the tantrum gets out of hand and the child is only getting more and more disturbed. In such a situation it is best to calmly remove him from the situation and take to another quieter place.

Some alternatives to saying the word No to a child. These will stop a child from escalating to a tantrum and help you convey your message in a language he will likely understand better.

Here I remember a LR Knost quote that says, “When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it is our job to share our calm, not join in their chaos.”

These simple strategies have helped us deal with the two’s. I am sure these strategies will need to be tweaked as our son grows older. But the basic idea is to focus on the principles of positive discipline.

What strategies work for you when your toddler won’t listen? How do you gain cooperation from your toddler?

How To Be A Calm Parent : Gentle Parenting Techniques

Ophira22 CommentsOctober 11, 2022July 17, 2018

Read time: 13 minutes

Once kids enter toddler years most parents struggle to keep their sanity. Toddler years are not easy, to say the least. You may wonder, ‘How to be a calm parent?’, when in the midst of temper tantrums and control issues.

I too had my share of times when I felt like I was about to lose it. Situations may vary from family to family, but the anger triggers are almost always the same – Tiredness and Sleep Deprivation. No parent wants to be the monster in their child’s life. We don’t yell and scream intentionally.

We just lose ourselves in the moment and think there is no other way to control the situation than yelling and screaming. So, ‘how to stop being an angry mom?’

Before we get to the steps to help you create a calmer home, there is a big point that needs to be covered.

KNOW YOUR TRIGGERS: A START TOWARDS PEACEFUL PARENTING

Take a moment to analyze the circumstances the last time you yelled or felt defeated by your child. Were you tired? Were you sleep deprived? had a bad day?

Once you know your anger triggers, take steps to address the core problem first. If you are feeling tired or sleep deprived – ask your partner or a close relative to help you out so you can get some rest, feel fresh and get back in again.

Every parent needs a time out from parenting. Its natural to get burned out if you are trying to do everything single-handedly.

HERE ARE 11 STEPS TO BECOMING A CALM PARENT

Change in perspective

The first change that needs to happen is a change in your perspective of life. Everything is not happening to you. As your children grow there are different milestones they will cover that require special attention and guidance. These fluctuations in your child’s behavior and habits do not reflect on you.

Your job as a parent is to stop taking your child’s growth and development too personally. All kids yell, scream and test boundaries. Continue with consistent messaging and calm approach to tackle your child’s needs.

Related reading: How to get your toddler to listen without yelling

Prepare for success

As I mentioned in the point above; tiredness, lack of sleep are all triggers to an angry meltdown. Children are going to be challenging. It’s our emotional and mental wellbeing that triggers the anger. Once you know potential anger triggers, plan ways to avoid or cope with them.

Here are a few ways to control your temper and avoid an angry meltdown;

If you have a busy day ahead, go to bed early the night prior.
Don’t plan any socialization when you or your kids are tired.
Cut down on activities if you feel the schedule is too busy and weighing you down. Sometimes unstructured time is also needed to help unwind and feel connected with your kids.

Another important point worth mentioning, is building the right type of support system suited to your family situation.

Since my husband travels extensively for work and is unavailable to parent with me for a large part of the month, the first decision I took once my son was a toddler and I was ready to return to work was hire a caretaker for a few hours each day.

The solution may look different for each family, but the simple truth is that it helps to have some sort of a support system to help raise our kids, motherhood is not about being a supermom.

You can take help from your spouse, or either of your parents, or choose a daycare/nanny. Whatever works for your situation.

Raising children truly does require a village, we do many young mothers disservice by having them believe that they need to do it all. Look after their kids, cook meals, clean and work. Its impossible to juggle everything all at once and not loose your calm.

We should not feel ashamed to ask for help, especially during those early growing up years of our children lives.

Time blocking

Time blocking is a method of allocating a set period of time to tasks and completing them with a complete focus in that specified amount of time.

If you are a work from home mom like me this can help you stay productive throughout the day.

I divide my time throughout the day between big important tasks and smaller unimportant tasks. Activities that require most amounts of focus need to be done in a dedicated ‘do not disturb’ time block.

You can schedule such quiet complete focus time slots around your kid’s naps or hire help/send kids to daycare, so you get dedicated work done.

Easier activities that require less attention can be done in small 20 minute windows for eg, while waiting at a doctors office, waiting while food cooks or while traveling.

I use such mundane time slots of the day to reply back to non-urgent emails or reading up and researching information or creating a draft of a blog post in the notes app on my phone.

I use a weekly planner and list out my time blocks for the week. I plan the week on a Sunday so I know what to expect each day with one glance at the weekly planner. Having a weekly planner also helps stay on track and motivated since you are looking at tasks over a period of one week instead of a day.

Here is a post I wrote recently on my productivity tips as a work from home mom, juggling my time between my son and work.

Be present

Take a breather from the frantic pace of life and be present. Sometimes it’s nice to just put the phone away and truly appreciate your child as he plays. I keep early mornings and evening bedtime routine dedicated to mom and son time.

When my husband is home both of us keep our phones away and spend quality time with our son. No distractions.

There are days I need to use the phone or laptop even at night to meet some deadlines, but I try and keep those to a few limited instances.

Having alone time with my son helps me connect with him, understand his needs better, in turn, making me confident in my abilities as a mom. Just the feeling of bonding with my son gives confidence. This confidence comes in handy when I am facing testing situations.

You use your insight into your child’s behavior to provide creative solutions and avoid another yelling spree.

We yell and scream when we feel we are not heard. When you spend one on one time with your child you learn about him and these learnings help you make him feel more loved and heard. Yelling and screaming is always a call for attention, for more love and time.

Set structure

The key to a calmer home is to have a certain structure to the day.

Having a consistent routine for the day helps your child know what is expected of him.

This helps him move along the day in a calmer manner too. In fact, most young children love a routine that includes their favorite activities and happily comply. Think of 4-5 activities your child loves and structure the day strategically placing these activities to best suit your energy levels. This works very well for me.

My son loves reading, water play, park time and kitchen based pretend play.

And a routine that keeps me energetic throughout the day is one that starts slow, picks up the pace and then ends slow. So I divide his favorite activities to match my energy levels throughout the day. This way both of us get what we want and there are few tears and disagreements.

A routine of a 2-year-old

6-7 am Read books and a snack

7-9 am Brush teeth then free play [he chooses what toys to play with. I sit close by with my cup of tea and we talk, read books and play together]

9 am Breakfast

10-12:30 am More free play. At age 2 he plays with puzzles, building blocks, vehicles, busy books, kitchen utensils, pretend play, water play, play dough, stickers and craft activities. [this is the intense part of the day, our nanny takes over at this point and I get some work and cooking done.]

12:30-1 pm Lunch

1-2 pm Listen to nursery rhymes, tell stories and naptime

2-4 pm Naptime

4-5 pm Snack and free play

5-7 pm Park

7-7:30 pm Dinner

7:30 pm Bath

8-9 pm Bedtime routine [brush teeth, read books, tell stories, hugs, and cuddles. Stay inside the bedroom in order for your child to know its bedtime.]

Now, the time slots may vary depending on the day (for example, when he is teething, bedtime gets pushed to even later), but overall this is how our day flows. My aim is to have him in bed for the night by 9 pm latest. And most days he falls off to sleep between 8:30 pm to 9 pm. This structure allows me some time for myself and for my husband.

Having alone time is important for a mother’s mental wellbeing, in turn, making her a calmer mom.

Are you struggling with setting a solid routine? Try the Family Routines e-course by Pulling Curls. Hilary is a working mom of 3 and her course gives new mothers insight into how veteran moms like her are maintaining a thriving family life with less mom guilt. This course helps you,

Enjoy daily tasks, while teaching kids life skills
Stop the guilt from not accomplishing as much as you want
Feel great about what you ARE getting done
Leave more “margins” in your day, to be able to tackle the unexpected easier

Finding the right routine that suits your family is the start to a peaceful parenting life.

Set limits & house rules

When children enter toddler years the need for limits and house rules is very important. These are important for your sanity.

Most parents lose their cool trying to keep the child safe and away from harm. Why not set limits and house rules to get them used to stay safe indoors. Some examples of house rules are things like;

Designated safe play areas in the house
Designated spot or chair for feeding
Rules for play (when the family has more than one kid; explain gentle touch and how one child can ask for a toy from another)
Baby safe home (grills on windows, safety locks on fridge doors and cabinets, slip-proof bathroom mats, safety nets around pool areas, learn how we created a baby-safe home in my post on baby-proofing the house.)
Set time for meals.

Carve out self only time

I already spoke about carving out time just for yourself in the day in my blog post on creating a self-care routine. Self-only time helps stay refreshed and energized.

I notice I am less frustrated and irritable on days I have spent some time doing something just for myself. Investing some time for yourself also makes you more enthusiastic about doing more for your kids.

The more you pour in your glass the more you can pour out for others.

Dedicate family time

Family time in a family with a traveling spouse is rare. But the first instance we get; we spend time together in some family activity. Either visit a local nature park or go to the museum. Anything to get out of the house and spend some quality time together. This keeps all our spirits high and sets a calmer mood for 2-3 days after.

Spending time together as a family is also important for young children to develop positive self-esteem. Your child becomes a more confident and happier baby knowing mommy and daddy care about his needs and want to spend time doing things that interest him.

Here is a blog post I wrote recently on how I brought the fun back into parenting, with my tips and ideas on how to be a more fun mom.

Ask someone to care for you

When you are constantly caring for others in your life, there is bound to be some burnout. At such times even a self-care routine won’t do it for you.

I regularly ask my parents to help with my son or my mom/hubby to cook me meals. This gives me a break from the monotony of everyday tasks and I find myself a happier person when I feel cared for.

This sounds simple but believe me, we forget about this in our daily routine. If you don’t have a family nearby to help; ask hubby to pamper you sometime or hire services that do certain tasks like cooking and delivering fresh food just to give you a break.

Night routine

The way you end the day is as important as the day itself.

Write about your day in a journal. Journaling helps with goal setting, learning from the day and motivates you to do more in your life.

Use night time to include your favorite self-care activities.

Add a 5-minute prayer to your routine. Having gratitude for all your blessings in life has a calming effect on the mind and reminds you of what’s important. Avoid screens before bedtime and go straight to bed.

11. Planning personal and professional goals

I don’t know about you, but I am the type of person who will immediately calm down once I figure out a way to navigate the day aka ‘plan my day’. I like to have daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly plans for my personal and professional life. This helps me feel less anxious and stay calm in the midst of daily family chaos.

I already spoke about the importance of journaling in the previous point. When you know you are headed in a particular direction you work towards it with focus and determination.

All these seemingly simple steps make you a calm parent. I won’t be surprised if more than half the moms who read this don’t include these steps in their daily routine and feel guilty about yelling and being angry parents.

My friend Shailaja from Diary of a doting mom talks about her experience of moving from an angry to a calm mom on her blog. Her journey through peaceful parenting has learnings for all of us.

Calmness comes from within, it is not external. So we need to work on coping with triggers in order to be a calm parent. It is not easy following gentle parenting principles on a day-to-day basis. Many think of gentle parenting as permissive parenting, but this could not be further from the truth.

Parenting requires a lot of practice and creativity. But it’s not impossible either. The more you practice calmness and creativity when parenting, the easier it becomes.

What strategies do you employ to maintain calm in a stressful situation? Do leave me a comment below on your experience with peaceful parenting.

How To Deal With Toddler Tantrums: A Gentle Parenting Approach

Ophira11 CommentsMay 3, 2022January 23, 2018

Read time: 8 minutes

Toddler Tantrums; they just seem to sneak into your lovely baby as they get closer to 2 years of age.

Yes, I’m talking about those loud screeching noises in public and at home, where your toddler seems almost possessed. Your sweet little baby seems to have lost all his senses and is crying out loud, not caring about who is watching. The worst part is that the reason they are doing this is probably very trivial or sometimes it might not be anything at all.

It’s exhausting, makes you angry, leaves you baffled and clueless as to what to do in a situation like this when your child is just not listening to you.

At times it’s not even possible to pick them up because your hands are full, and you have no option but to let them go through those emotions and wait for them to settle, or worse you have to drag them out of the place. This has happened to me a couple of times when I have my baby in my arms and my toddler is going through some difficult emotions in public.

It’s tough momma, and I’m with you on this one, but it’s very important to also understand why is your mostly sweet baby throwing those tantrums.

This age of 1- 3 yrs is probably the most developmentally challenging for their brain. It takes a lot more stimulus than it can handle. Plus, they don’t know how to control their impulses and get overstimulated and tired and hangry (hungry + angry) out of the schedule. It’s tough on them too.

Why does your child get these bursts of tough emotions aka toddler tantrums?

Put in simple words, kids mostly throw tantrums when they are told NO to something they are doing, or they want, or leave a place that is fun.

When they are babies; they’re very dependent on you, but when they get to the age they can walk around, feed themselves, and speak a few words to express their thoughts they think they know it all.

They want to do everything by themselves, make all their own decisions, even the ones they’re not ready for, so when we tell them they can’t do something, it makes them angry and frustrated and it only increases because they can’t express this to you. Hence, the emotional meltdowns aka toddler tantrums.

Toddlers are in the fun age, where they know what kind of things they like to do. So they want to keep doing it, they don’t yet understand the concept of coming back to the thing they are liking to do. For them when you ask them to leave something or place, it’s like forever.

Even when you tell them you can come back, or you can do this tomorrow morning, or we’ll buy this later all that falls on deaf ears; because their panic response kicks in as soon as they sense the answer is going to be around NO or CAN’T. Their brain shuts down, they have a gush of emotions, they’re not in a stage to listen anymore. It’s very quick.

As the age progresses sometimes kids add harsh and hurtful words to their meltdowns; like “I want to be with daddy; I don’t like you” or vice versa. They are not being mean on purpose; they’re just feeling even more independent than a few months back with added vocabulary, but are still not there yet developmentally, so they throw in such words. This article about, What to do when kids say mean things will help you put things into the right perspective.

What to do to prevent a toddler tantrum from happening?

So we need to be smart. The way to beat this cycle is; you have to connect yourself with them before you cut their connection with the thing they are enjoying.

Ideally, you should get down to their level; acknowledge that they’re having a good time with this thing, and it’s so cool and fun. And break it to them that this needs to stop because we have to move on the next agenda of the day, be it mealtime, bedtime, or leave the place and go home. Even when they want you to buy something but you can’t buy it; you need to first acknowledge that’s cool and fun, but we can’t get it right now.

This is not like a quick to work or fool-proof method, you are still going to get some push backs, but it’s an honest approach, and your child is going to feel heard.

That connection is going to go a very long way with you. Your child is going to listen to you more often, and eventually, it’ll be easier for them to leave those things behind, they’ll be more understanding and trusting in you. Because they are genuinely being heard.

You are the most important person in your child’s life; they value you the most more than any object or place, and when you make an honest connection with them, they’re so receptive and responding to it.

On the other hand, if you try to make it a power struggle where you tell them they can’t do it, why they can’t do it, how they can do it another time, while they are already having a meltdown, or try to tell this to them in a more commanding manner so they listen to you, or you threaten them to never come back to this place, if the child behaves this way; it is not going to work. Because they are going to feel threatened, and all their senses are going to shut down and they’ll go into an even more panic mode.

Yes, these sound like big words; but your child goes through big feelings when we yell at them at a sensitive time.

What to do when a toddler tantrum is already in progress?

The only thing that is going to work when the meltdown has already happened is patience and trust. If they’re going through tough emotions; you’ll have to wait for them to go through them. They’re currently reacting out of feelings and feelings only need to be heard and just that.

I usually sit with them when they are going through big feelings; watch them, as to what do they want to do, if they would like a hug, or they just want to stay close. Every child is different, both my kids want different things when they are upset.

As the kids get older between 2- 4 yrs of age; the meltdowns seem to get longer; and it really gets overwhelming for everyone in the family, including the parents and younger siblings.

At Home: So if you’re at home when the child is having a meltdown; stay with them for some time. But if it lasts longer than you can manage; tell them that, you’re going to pick them up and help them find a safe spot like a couch or a chair or bed and let them go through their feelings.

Tell them to come to you when they feel better and that you’re waiting for it. But, it’s still important to acknowledge their feelings and emotions as they begin and stay with them at least for some time so that the child does not feel neglected and abandoned when they’re upset.

In Public: In public, I do the same, acknowledge his feelings, and tell him that we need to leave the place because this makes a lot of people uncomfortable, and I pick them up and leave, or find a safe spot.

You need to trust your child that they’re not doing anything to manipulate you; they’re not doing anything intentionally to make you mad; no matter how much this looks like it, it’s not true not with any child. The reason why kids behave the way they do is that they’re suffering themselves. What may seem trivial to us, is actually a big deal for kids.