beyond motherhood Archives - Easy Mommy Life

If you have followed me for a while by know you know I solo parent 80% of the time. My husband is constantly traveling for work and most of the parenting aspect falls squarely on my shoulders. While solo parenting is quite challenging, over a period of time I have developed my own systems that help me through the solo times.

WHAT IS SOLO PARENTING?

The term solo parenting is used to describe a parent raising children in the partner’s brief absence. While the term is sometimes used interchangeably with single parenting the big difference between solo parenting and single parenting is that in solo parenting the partner is absent only for a period of time. For example when he travels for work or lives out station.

Solo parenting in most cases is not a matter of choice, the situation arises out of circumstances like spouses work obligations.

CHALLENGES OF SOLO PARENTING?

Parenting as it is, is quite a challenge. One of the bigger challenges (and quite obvious one) that I face when I solo parent is being alone. My husband and I are very much involved as a unit on Parenting principles so when he is not around and I am in charge of the ship all by myself I find it very lonely and difficult. Missing the spouse when they are away make one more emotional which can make decision making weaker.

Children are raised by a village they say and when you solo parent you need that support system. It’s a lot of hard work, between home, the children and your job and requires a lot of stamina and actual physical strength. This was one of the surprises of parenting when I first became a mother. No one had mentioned how much more energy and physical strength I would need to garner in order to get through a day.

Finding quality alone time and time to socialize may reduce if you are the primary caretaker and this affects your mental health. Keeping YOU in the list, forget at the top of the list is hard when solo parenting.

Before I continue with what worked for me, I want to make sure to point out that this post is not a comparison to the life of single parents. I am only sharing struggles of solo parents and how to help with solo parenting. Each of these situations is different in their own way and the challenges it presents are also different. This does not mean that one mother’s struggle is harder than anothers.

Here are some tips that help me when solo parenting.

SOLO PARENTING TIPS

Embrace your reality

I spoke about this recently in an Instagram post, but the very first thing you need to survive solo parenting is acceptance. You need to embrace your new reality. Most solo parenting situations arise without any choice. This can cause resentment and self pity. Both very unhealthy emotions to live with continuously.

Life is ever changing and we need to accept our circumstances before we try to tackle the challenges it poses.

If you are not accepting of your life situation the resentment and anger you feel towards your situation will spill over into other parts of your life.

Our children sense our unhappiness and unknowningly we create a stressful and anxious environment in the home.

2. Prepare for the absence

Organize every aspect of your life as much as is possible. Try to set up systems that work without needing a partner around to help. Some of the systems we set up so that the house is fully functioning at all times are,

Grocery delivery each week: This way I don’t need to step out of the house with my son in tow to buy staples. Each week certain basic grocery and pantry supplies are delivered home to help me with meal planning.
Meal planning: When you are running the house solo, meal planning is a huge help. You don’t need to whip up elaborate meals. With a few prepped ingredients you can quickly build a plate of food for your children and you. Here are my meal planning tips for busy moms.
Rely as much as is possible on one pot meals and buildable snack plates.
I plan new indoor activities/ or buy some new toys (stickers, activity books, something small) for my son when dad is away for longer time periods. Children also feel cranky when one of the parents is gone for a while, you need to plan some thing to distract the feelings of lonliness. Helps them feel better and teaches them how to keep onself engaged even in the absence of one parent.
Other than at home activities I make sure to plan social outings and play dates. This keeps both of us busy and gives us something to look forward to when daddy is away.

3. Slow and Steady

When my husband is gone on long stints, I plan my days in a way where I build the pace slowly through the days. I start out with slower unstructured days first and then, other more planned hectic days are scheduled closer to my husbands return. This way I am not exhausted right at the onset of my solo parenting stint.

That said, I understand there are unexpected days and other circumstances that can make this tip useless to some moms, but this worked for us when our son was not in school and I was in charge of our days routine.

4. Routine

Which brings me to routine. Little children are more relaxed when there is a set pattern to the day. Try and instill some sort of structure to your day from the very beginning so that your child can follow along better on days you are solo parenting. Routine is a big help and the only way you can have some me-time at the end of the day.

5. Check your expectations

A big tip I can give any mother who is solo parenting is to keep expectations low. No matter how well you plan there are going to be days when everything falls apart. Everyone needs you, everything needs to be fixed and you have no dinner on the table.

On such days just go with the flow, try your best to be grateful for everything you have, and call a friend for help or put on some T.V for the kids and just rest.

Choose your battles wisely. Allowing the kids a little freeway for peace of mind is okay.

6. Communication

Talk with your partner about both your needs. An important aspect no one talks about is that the traveling spouse misses home and family too. Talk to your spouse, understand his struggles. Carve out daddy and child time when he returns. This can also be the much needed alone time for you.

7. Self-care

Self-care is as important as caring for the family. Many of us look at the time for self-care as something that needs to be earned as a result of working for our families. But if you put yourself last on the list repeatedly, you will soon burn out.

Here is how I create my own self-care routine.

8. Build a support team

And last but most importantly, build a support system. A backup for you to fall on. It can be either of your parents, a baby sitter, or a friend. You need someone to fall back on when things are not going right. There will be days you need a team of people helping you along, and that’s okay. You really cannot do it all.

That’s about it. These are the simple ways I am managing my life as a solo parent on days my husband is away on work trips.

There have been a lot of learnings and through those, I have come to give up on perfection and enjoy the moments I get with our son.

No matter how hard it feels right now, remember this is just a season in your life. You are still in charge of how you deal with it.

I hope this blog post encourages you to embrace solo parenting and find joy even on the hard days.

How do you manage your time as a solo parent? Do you have tips for me?

With Mother’s Day around the corner, I see a lot of posts celebrating mothers. I wanted to write one just for moms too. Moms who like me are trying to move beyond motherhood. To create an identity that doesn’t just restrict them to being called Mothers.

Motherhood is so much more than just a phase of life. It is an all-consuming role that we all take on with great love and responsibility.

Don’t get me wrong when I say, I want to move beyond motherhood. I always wanted to be a mother and love being one. I have an inner drive to be a better mom every day. Constantly learning new parenting strategies and techniques to be the best mom I can be for my son.

But does this passion for Motherhood mean that I am just that, a Mother?

THE MILLENNIAL MOTHERS CONFUSION

This is where it gets tricky, as millennial mothers most of us choose this intensive parenting style that requires us to be immersed in child rearing. Along the way, many of us start to lose our personal identities. We allow motherhood and our roles as mothers to take over as our identity.

One unique aspect of Motherhood is its ability to make the most self-centered of us self less and giving for the sake of our children. Its no wonder then, that so many of us lose ourselves in the process.

Millennial mothers are idealists rooted in tradition.

Think about it, most of us have seen two contrasting examples of motherhood; one, our stay at home grandmothers centering all their focus on quality family life and the other our resolute breadwinning working mothers.

To millennial moms, each of these mothers had something valuable to offer and look up to. But balancing both roles is a tough job.

This is the beginning of my confusion as a Millennial Mother and most other mothers from my generation.

Most of our working mothers lived in joint family setups, these days we all live in nuclear setups. Another important point to note is that back in the day most jobs were truly 9-5, our mothers could come home and spend quality time with us in the evenings. There were two day weekend holidays too. This kind of work life is almost nonexistent today. Workers are expected to put in long hours, sometimes carry work home and a two day weekend off is rare in many Indian companies.

How do we balance a career and motherhood? and can we really have it all?

Neither do we want to relinquish control from our children’s lives nor do we want to give up on our career aspirations.

Millennial working mothers lose themselves in running the home, career and juggling the crazy expectations they have of themselves as mothers.

Millenial stay at home moms are in a constant mental battle; should I let go of my career completely? Will my children value the time I spent with them?

Mom guilt is huge among the millennial mommy lot. As I told you before, we have seen contrasting examples of motherhood. We love both ideas but how can we be both efficiently in today’s fast-paced world?

This brings me to the question that has been the center of intense thought in my personal life – How to move beyond Motherhood?

WHY ARE SO MANY WOMEN LEAVING THE WORKFORCE IN INDIA

More than ever before women in India are stepping away from the workforce. There are many factors at play here;

modern nuclear family setups,
non-availability of quality childcare (a huge problem in India)
no support systems, our parents were working their entire lives, they deserve a break too.
lack of flexible maternity policies and job opportunities

In a country where the mother is still looked at as the primary caregiver and the father as primary breadwinner, it is quite hard to shun these deeply routed mindsets and focus on our careers.

The working mom is always blamed for all the insufficiencies in her children’s lives. They say it takes a village to raise a child, but where is this village in this modern age?

Noone asks the father in office how he will manage after the birth of his child? Because parenting is not looked at as a fathers concern. There is no concept of equal parenting leaves that can be distributed among both parents.

Mothers in India are constantly battling these questions as they prepare to return to workforce once maternity leave is over.

This deeply routed mindset, coupled with lack of proper infrastructure to care for the baby, leads to many women leaving the workforce in disappointment.

But first, mothers need to stand for mothers.

WE ARE ALL WORKING WOMEN – MOVING BEYOND LABELS

It’s quite unfortunate that large women-oriented websites and media still continue to propagate online debates spurring wars between SAHM v/s Working Mom. It’s hard enough being a mom.

Why can’t a mom just be a mom? why does she need to categorize herself into a stay at home (read lazy mom) or working mom (read hard working mom)?

These are labels given to show women that in order to be worthy or equal to a man they need to go out into the workforce. They have placed a monetary value on the worth of human beings. If you don’t generate an income you are not contributing to society. Do you think your stay at home grandmother or mother didn’t serve a role in contributing to society?

If you choose to stay at home, you don’t all of a sudden become less worthy or lazier compared to other women or men. Understand the divisive nature of these labels before you choose to identify with them.

As women, we should be shunning such labels that place us in rigid boxes. There are all types of moms, stay at home moms, working moms, work from home moms and moms that hop in and out of these three categories. Then why categorize it, let’s be flexible. We are mothers first, and we are all working regardless of income.

Which brings me to the first point in how to move beyond motherhood.

LOOKING AT YOUR LIFE BEYOND THE MOTHERHOOD ASPECT

1. Change your perspective of success

This is for moms who are currently at home and frustrated about a stagnant career. If you made the decision to stay at home with your kids, be confident in your choice. You obviously came to this decision after a lot of thought and consideration.

Look at your career as a long road, if for whatever reason you have to pause, it is just that a “comma”, not a “full stop”.

Work brings meaning to our lives. Isn’t that why we work? If you cannot work full time and earn an income, use your time in other meaningful pursuits.

So what if you can’t go out of the home for a full-time job. Work around it, parallel to it, just keep working. Keep your desire to work alive. This is the key shift in mindset that could lead you to a more flexible new role.

Feeling resigned to your current circumstance and constantly pitying yourself is part of a story you make yourself believe. A story of defeat.

Are all career graphs linear? Many successful women have a non-linear and winding road to success and a career they love. Look at this break as a time to build a thick skin and learn new life skills.

At the end of the day, your resume highlights your skills. And if anything motherhood makes you an amazing manager. I don’t know of any mother who has not multi-tasked and managed high-stress situations head-on.

These are skills to hone, nurture and be proud of. Wear that motherhood badge with pride. Only then will corporates take you seriously when you choose to join back.

2. Re-skill

Learn new skills, take online courses. Look for freelance gigs to keep yourself creatively and mentally engaged. The joy you will feel on learning new skills will translate to a more peaceful and better motherhood experience.

Regardless if you are working or not all moms should constantly learn and upskill.

Sometimes when you are a working mom too, you are down on yourself with a burden of multiple responsibilities. Take time out to learn something new to regain that self-confidence.

Reskilling and upskilling give you the drive to continue working on yourself.

No education is ever a waste. Your children too will learn to value constant learning in life and seeing you adapt to different situations pick up resilience skills from you.

3. Socialize

Find like-minded friends to go out with. Great conversation helps to nourish the soul. So many times when I was low, just going out with a friend for a coffee instantly helped pick me up. You relate to each other and provide solutions to nagging problems.

An important point to note here is to find friends who lift you up. If you are friends with someone who is constantly negative and only loves to rant that’s not going to help. I would suggest, run for the hills! There is no time for energy suckers in our lives right now.

Finding mommy friends is an art in itself. Almost like dating. But definitely a worthy pursuit in my opinion.

4. Self-care

This is a trending new word all over social media right now. But really, what self-care means is to care for your mind, body, and soul.

Self-care should not be looked at as a reward for working hard as a mother, its an important component of being a fulfilled human being and a good mother.

As they say, you cannot pour from an empty cup.

Look out for yourself. Dedicate time slots in your schedule just for you. Carve out a self-care routine that suits your current life situation.

This does not mean you are a selfish mother, it only means you recognize and fulfill your own needs in order to nurture others.

5. Engage with your passions

Balancing motherhood and careers can mean the death of our passions and hobbies.

Try and find smart ways to engage with your hobbies again, love reading and no time to read, listen to an audiobook of your favorite book as you drive around on chores or to work.

Love dancing, get daddy to babysit on weekend afternoons so you can attend a class.

Even a small effort towards building your old passions helps rejuvenate the mind and bring back your enthusiasm to live life fully.

6. Set the intention and achieve goals

In the midst of crazy parenting life, we all lose touch with our inner goals and dreams. You need an organized and intentional mindset to getting your dream life and goals.

Spend some time introspecting what you want from life. Chart out monthly, quarterly and yearly goals.

7. Make your health a priority

This is a big one. Your family needs you to be around for as long as possible. I know many of us stop thinking about our own nutrition as we focus on providing nutritious meals to our littles. I am just as guilty on this one. But how can we perform to our best abilities if we don’t have the energy to do anything.

Set up some practical routines focussed on your diet and fitness. Try to squeeze in time for a little exercise every day.

Pre-prepare meals and snacks on a weekend to help eat healthier on busy weekdays.

Prioritize your health.

Yes, motherhood is a crazy and intense ride. Especially during the early years of our children’s lives. But the point is to make an effort and give ourselves a shot too. Our families deserve fulfilled and content mothers.

The intention of this post is to provide encouragement and hope to mothers who feel lost in motherhood. Start by making small changes to bring yourself back up your priority list. We can have it all, just not all at once. We will have it all “in time”. Until then keep your spirits up and work on creating a life outside of motherhood. One that is just for YOU.

Here’s wishing all of you a Happy Mother’s Day!

Leave me your thoughts or an encouraging note for other mothers in the comment section below. What do you do just for yourself that has positively impacted your family life? And how did you go about doing this? Let’s have a conversation in the comments section.

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How To Survive Solo Parenting And Make It Work