Parenting is hard. We are all trying our best but sometimes even with the best intentions we become a strict parent.
Being an authoritarian parent may not be something you planned but a result of your inability to coach your child positively. Some of us may simply be following in the footsteps of our parents, borrowing our parenting strategies from how we were raised ourselves.
Research shows us that strict parents raise children who have low self-esteem, and confidence issues which trickle into other areas of life and hamper the child’s overall development.
Related reading : Gentle Parenting is not Permissive Parenting.
Your child may already be giving you signs that show you that you are a strict parent. Here is how you can tell and then change your parenting style to a more responsive one.
Here are some signs that the house rules may be more strict for your child.
8 SIGNS YOU ARE A STRICT PARENT
1. Your child has many emotional outbursts throughout the day.
Wondering why your child seems to throw a tantrum or burst into tears at the simplest of things. Emotional outbursts are usually an indicator that the child is trying to find a safe way to release pent-up emotions.
Help them communicate with you through emotion coaching, I have explained the concept in detail in this post.
At the same time review your expectations, are they age-appropriate? Is the child getting enough time in the day for free play and creativity? Free creative play is an outlet for the child to be in control and learn how to navigate challenges through play rather than direction.
2. Your child often lies.
Does your child lie often?
Constant lying is a sign that the child is uncomfortable opening up about their true feelings or wants out of the fear of your reaction.
If you sense a change in your child’s behavior towards you and catch them lying often this could be a sign of deeper trust issues within your relationship.
3. The family is focused more on outcomes when learning skills.
Children can tell when the focus is on winning and not on the process. This makes learning loathsome and uninteresting.
Instead of focusing on the end result of tasks, games, and competitions, why not teach your children about the importance of perseverance, sportsmanship, and resilience?
Cater learning to interests and skill building rather than end goals, especially when children are young.
Related reading : How to raise internally motivated children.
4. You obsess over the “right way” to do things.
I am going to tell you a short story here. When we were looking for a good school for my son we were interested in this Montessori school in our city. When we went there for a school visit, my toddler was excited on seeing the materials laid out and immediately went ahead to try a puzzle that was placed on one of the shelves.
A teacher nearby was watching him use the materials and quickly jumped in to show him the “right way” to use the materials. He was not using the materials in a rough or risky manner, he was simply trying something of his own and didn’t need direction at that very moment.
The interruption caused him to lose interest and he moved on to the next thing, ultimately asking me to leave. Even a toddler his age could sense the eyes on him and feel a sense of judgment where none was needed.
When we interject in a child’s play we take away some of their natural curiosity and interest in taking the lead. And then we wonder why they don’t show any interest in playing, studying, or in different hobbies. You get what I am saying.
This is not to say that the teacher was being strict on purpose but interrupting a child’s play before they have adequate time to explore on their own can make the child lose interest in trying.
5. You nag your child constantly.
Another common strict parent behavior is to nag the child constantly. If you have to nag your child to do their homework or home chores something is not working in the family routine.
You need to go back to the drawing board and figure out how best to get the child interested either by way of responsibility, natural consequences, or by example.
More on such strategies here.
6. You don’t offer any choice to the child.
When children have little autonomy over their day to day they tend to feel suffocated and angry.
Instead of micromanaging every minute of your child’s day into a strict routine try to go with a more gentler rhythm. A daily rhythm is designed around core events and the rest can be kept flexible with time for free play, quiet time, and rest included.
This gives the child that sense of ownership in their lives while still allowing you a way to steward the day and get the child through the routines.
More on raising happy settled children here.
7. Constantly use threats instead of communication.
Threatening a child is an easy way to get them to comply. But this affects self-esteem in the long run. Learn some positive parenting strategies to understand how to communicate with your child without crushing their soul.
This previous post will take you through some common scenarios with easy-to-use scripts to help you communicate with your child.
8. Family rules are rigid with no flexibility.
Is your family always following a set routine, with no break away from the routine from time to time? No weekends with relaxed rules?
Routines are great for consistency but children do need a little flexibility and a sense of fun outside the norm in order to feel more relaxed and connected within the family unit.
Examples can be, breakfast for dinner one night of the week, rule flexibility around screen time or dessert, or an impromptu visit to grandparents’ place instead of weekend sports or activity classes.
Any gesture that says, hey we can have fun with the rules sometimes, it’s okay.
You see, the problem with authoritarian parenting is that it places high expectations on children and takes away the childs confidence and self-esteem. Most of us have grown up with this parenting style but it’s time to move away and offer our children a better chance at becoming who they are instead of following a mold.
Gentle parenting or authoritative parenting is better suited to responding to the child’s needs while also providing a safe and structured way for the child to express their capabilities.
To learn more about this topic search the keyword ‘gentle parenting’ on this blog to read more posts where I’ve tackled several parenting scenarios and the research-backed ideas to support children.
Share this blog post with other parents so we can raise a generation of confident and capable adults.
Until next time!