One Thing No One Tells You About Second Time Parenting

There is one thing no one tells you about second time parenting. It is the constant guilt you will experience raising two.

One day you will feel guilty that your first is getting very little time with you.

The next day you will feel guilty that the second doesn’t get as many rich experiences as the first.

I remember coming home from the hospital and immediately feeling guilty that I couldn’t properly hug my first born (I had been through a C-section the second time around). 

The baby was still getting used to breastfeeding with lots of colic issues which made me feel like I couldn’t do my best for her during a time when I was still feeling physically limited due to my C-section healing process. 

And all the hours I was spending breastfeeding and putting her to sleep made me feel guilty that I couldn’t spend any time with my first.

Guilt was literally the most experienced emotion as a second time parent.

No matter what I did, I felt guilty. 

I am not selling second time motherhood, right?

But, as the fog of the intense early weeks lifted, I decided to check my emotions.

I observed my feelings from a distance and found within me a mother who deeply loves and cares for her children. 

A time of life that is unmatched in love and fullness like any other before.

And a place in life that I know I will look back at and feel proud about. 

There will be ups and downs but these are like knots in the family story I weave.

So, I decided to relax. Feeling guilty is not something to feel ashamed about.

As a second time parent you enter uncharted territories in your heart and mind space. 

Of-course you will worry and feel guilty about somehow ruining childhood for your children. 

Guilt shows you your care. I’d rather use it to guide me on my motherhood journey.

Why not take this feeling and turn it into a force of positive action and peaceful knowing.

Observe the feeling from a distance and use it as a tool to steer you into the direction you need to take, but don’t let it consume you into despair and inaction.

That’s the beauty of parenting, it shapes us into better emotion navigators if we allow the experience to live through us.

So then,

HOW TO OVERCOME MOM GUILT

1. Recognize that what you are feeling is normal. That your guilt is actually a way for your inner self to steer you into the direction of action that needs to be taken.
2. Talk with other second time parents about how they manage time and navigate through these experiences. Listening to their experiences will help you relate and a feel a sense of belonging. We all need to share our learnings and challenges to be able to build a better understanding of what parenting actually looks like.
3. Ask for help. Understand that you cannot do it all. No-one does it. There are no special badges for going above and beyond yourself. Figure out what can be skipped and what’s important and then rework to make a schedule that best suits your family dynamic. More on mom burnout in this post.
4. Most importantly, be kind to yourself. At the end of the day those kids need a happy and a present mom. You don’t need to bake cookies from scratch or set up elaborate family activities all they need is you and the rest is optional.
5. Which brings me to social media. Many of us suffer from FOMO or feel inadequate with all the influencer shows we see on social media. Remember when you consume content online that most of it is curated and edited to show a version of someones life that they want to showcase to you, may not necesaarily be the complete reality. When you see something online and want to adapt that to your life ask yourself, is this useful for my children and me? Does it suit their temperament? Do I have sufficient financial backing as this creator? Do I have the same support system? or Is this just a trend? Do I really need to do X, Y and Z with my kids?

Most times the answer to these questions is to close the app and spend that time with those little loves of your life instead.

I hope this post provides you with a little motherhood encouragement during these rough early years with kids. It is not easy, but just knowing that it isn’t is also an important first step towards realizing a reality that you want to achieve for yourself. and most importantly know that an inner calm mom is the best gift you can give children.

More power to you dear Mama.